AFTER ALL

There was a time I knew

That no matter come what may.........

She was standing there on their pier, telling him it was over, that she didn't want him, that she didn't even *like* him and all the while, her eyes and her body were betraying her. From his sanguine expression and his strong words, Marlena realized there was no running away this time. John knew her too well, as he'd pointed out so boldly. Despite every effort she'd made, all the ignored phone calls, ridding the Penthouse of all his pictures, avoiding their mutual friends as much as possible, staying away from all their old haunts, she couldn't get him out of her heart or out of her soul. John Black was deeply rooted there, as was their love. Damaged or not, it was still there and she couldn't pretend any longer. 'Dammit!' she hissed inside her mind, scrambling for the words that would back him off again, but coming up short this time.

Love would prevail.......

"So... what's it gonna to be, Doc... you gonna try to deny it again?" he confronted, holding her hand so it was easily visible in the light.

She was angry to have her bluff called and snatched the hand from his firm grasp, and was about to admit the truth, which was that he was right, but that it didn't matter. At least that what's her head told her.

Then, inside the dream, I knew

Came the question lovers fear......

At just that moment, the new man in her life happened to come down the stairs and upon seeing John's grip on his new lady friend's hand, drew the wrong conclusion. "Get your hands off her... She doesn't want you anymore.... Haven't you gotten the message yet?" he said, racing to Marlena's defense, placing a protective arm around her before the other two could even speak.

She turned her attentions to him, saying pleasantly, "Oh.... Rick... hello there... listen it's all right.. we were just... talking," she said, enjoying his protective stance because of the way it would make John feel, perhaps giving him a dose of his own medicine, though she didn't need protecting, a fact she would dearly love to get through both their thick skulls. Roman's too for that matter; he'd been awfully attentive since the breakup. She sighed wearily with the realization that it would never happen; that's the way men were built, needing to slay dragons. Now, if they would only do it in some other country, everything would be just fine.

"Yea... so if you'll excuse us...we'd like to get back to our conversation... Rick!" John said snidely, moving toward the man in an openly hostile manner. He didn't like the other man's air of possessiveness. The guy had only known her for what, a month or two, and he thought he owned her? Who the hell did he think he was anyway?

For her part, Marlena didn't like fiery sense of possessiveness she saw in John's eyes either. Who was he to think he owned her? The whole situation reminded her of being torn between John and Roman and she wasn't about to have a repeat of that intense scenario. Placing her hands on the man's chest, she said nicely, but dismissively, "Rick... I'm fine.. thank you for being concerned about me... but it's alright.. John and I do need to talk."

"Marlena... he was upsetting you... he was holding you so tight and you looked... uncomfortable... Are you sure he didn't hurt you?" he said, eyeing Black carefully.

"Yes... I'm sure... Rick, he wouldn't hurt me." Verbally, she stopped there, but she flashed her anger flecked eyes at John and he could read what went unspoken... and winced as he completed the sentence in his head, '..at least not physically.'

Can true love fail........

Being an astute observer, Rick saw the look that passed between the other two and didn't envy John Black in the slightest. He hadn't been at the hospital for very long, but he knew Marlena well enough to know that when her ire was sparked, the recipient wouldn't come out unscathed. John was about to be lambasted yet again by the lady doctor, or so it seemed. "Well... if you're sure... but I want you to know something... I'll never treat you the way he has... and if you want to make a brand new start like you said... I'll be there for you... I really care for you, Marlena."

Glancing briefly in John's direction, she could see that he was fuming. She could practically see the steam rising off the top of his head, and it was almost funny, if it weren't for how it made her feel inside, like she was some prize to be won. Looking right at her date from only one night ago, she said sincerely with a sweet smile, "I.. care for you too, Rick... you've been wonderful with me and I've really enjoyed our.... times together." She had no apologies to make and if John couldn't handle her going on a couple of dates with a very nice gentleman; that was his problem.

"I'm glad... I've enjoyed your company very much and I was hoping we could spend more time together, Marlena... Please... give me a chance to show you how good a relationship can be... I promise you won't be disappointed..." he said angling for a shot at her heart, taking her hand and giving it a soft moist kiss. It was making John sick to see it and he wanted to avert his gaze, but he couldn't. He simply had to see the way she was looking at the other man, to glean a clue as to her true feelings for both of them.

Sensing John's scrutinizing gaze, she replied pleasantly, not shooting him down, yet not really encouraging him either, "We'll have a talk about that in a day or so... alright... but I really have enjoyed dating you, Rick. I've had fun and you've treated me wonderfully." As politely as she could, she asked him to leave, "Now, if you'll please excuse us... John and I have some... matters to discuss."

"Alright... but if you need me for anything.. you have my cell phone number.. right?" Rick asked, glaring a warning at John. his bright blue eyes telling the man that although he might not look like a worthy opponent, John shouldn't take anything for granted where a woman like Marlena was concerned.

Patting her purse, she smiled warmly and said, "Yes... I do... and thank you again for being concerned.. but I'm sure I'll be just fine."

"Don't mention it... Goodnight, Marlena.." he said sweetly, leaning in for a kiss on the cheek, then turning away, wishing he could eavesdrop on their conversation. In his heart of hearts, Rick knew she still loved John Black. It was written all over her face, and although she was angry and hurt by some of his choices, if he said and did the right things, she might just take him back. For the life of him, Rick didn't understand the man's appeal. From everything he'd seen and heard since arriving in Salem, John Black was a self absorbed, man obsessed, focused on events that had happened more than twelve years ago, and on everyone else but the people he purported to love with all his heart.

Then I would miss the childhood wish

And haven't I sung to you......

After her new beau was out of earshot. Marlena was silent, waiting to hear John's commentary. Much to her amusement, John was still seething when she turned around to face him, obviously jealous, but he was working very hard not to spout off about it. "Well, John... you were saying..." she started, purposely not leaving him an easy opening.

"Uh... well, I uh.... where were we?" he asked, flustered and wondering what she wanted from him. He'd been so certain of what to say and do before the other guy came along and disturbed the natural rhythm of their heated conversation, one that had just begun to go his way, for once.

"John... did you want to talk about something else first? " Marlena prompted, enjoying his discomfort about the interaction he'd just witnessed. She'd had to stand by so many times while he sweet talked some woman. Now it was his turn.

"No... " he said simply, denying his interest in how far things had progressed with the handsome young doctor who just left the pier.

"Are you sure, John?" she asked, making him squirm a little. "You know.. Rick is a wonderful man... he's so easy to talk to and he loves the children... he's terrific with them.. and they've already taken to him."

"Doc... why are you telling me all of this? " John finally said not even bothering to hide his displeasure, beginning to catch on to her methods.

"Because... you were about to ask anyway... you're dying of curiosity.... So far, he's been very kind, quite romantic I might add.... and I do like him a lot. There are definite.. possibilities."

Laboring to appear unaffected, he changed the subject, all the while knowing she could see he was upset to hear her say those things about another man, "Tell me something... you didn't answer my question... Are you going to deny that you still love me? Are you going to keep running away from your feelings for me and the love we've shared... and keep seeing him?"

Of a knight in armor bright, faithful and true to you......

Again, she sighed, wishing not to have to work so hard at love, but deciding that the truth was best. "No...John.. I won't deny it again. Allright... it's true... I do still love you. But for the life of me, I don't know where that leaves us."

So, there *was* a little glimmer of hope on which to build. After a sigh of relief, John said it for her, "It leaves us ahead of where we were five minutes ago. Doc, look.... I know that I hurt you...a lot... that I was neglecting you and the kids... It was a mistake to get so caught up in this search of mine that I lost sight of what was most important... a horrible mistake, and I deeply regret it."

He was speaking so passionately, his eyes full of remorse and she was compelled to listen to his plea, "But, I love you, Marlena Evans.. I never stopped... Please.. can't we try again... can't we at least.. talk about it?" When he finished, his voice was shaky, filled with a combination of fear and hope and the pain of missing her desperately.

"Oh... John... " she said as the tears she'd banished from her eyes suddenly began to form once again. No matter the pain he caused her, when he spoke this way, when he looked at her with such longing, he was nearly impossible to resist, "John... I've tried to understand what you need.. I really have.. I just don't want to go through it all over again... I want you to find those answers... but not at the expense of your family and friends. If you come back... things have to be different... I have to know that you'll be there for me... for Belle and Brady... without me having to come and tear you away from something else... or *someone* else. We have to come first, John. Can you make that commitment, because if you can't.... it'll never work.”

Darling

After all,

I will be the one to hold you, in my arms......

"Marlena.. I've told you... I'll do anything to win you back... I know that I messed up... and I'm very sorry."

"Tell me, John.... exactly what you think you've done and how it's going to change. I want to hear you say it all to me."

He started to get defensive, a part of him wanting to yell at her, to be angry with her for sending him away in the first place. What more did she want from him? Hadn't he just confessed? Didn't she bear some responsibility for their problems. He wanted to make her see that he too had been hurt, hurt by being pushed away time and time again.. hurt by her going out with somebody else, but he knew if he said anything like that now or ever. If he didn't do as requested, she was going to cut him out of her life forever. Besides, hadn't he been with a string of other women? Wasn't all of the pain he'd endured the past couple of months the end result of his own behavior? No matter what it meant to him personally in terms of his need to learn about the past, she and the children had to come first, or he would be alone. Still, to be so humble, so vulnerable and contrite was difficult.

He took a deep breath, then shut his eyes tightly for a moment and then after letting out the breath, he claimed it all, "Alright... I put my own needs before yours and the kids... before everybody's... Over and over, I let this search for answers consume me... I let it take over my life and I became.... obsessed with it. I spent all that time with Hope and then Greta when I should have been there to support you and Sami... when I should have been spending time with Belle and Brady. It was wrong and I won't let it happen again.. Nothing is worth losing you, Marlena.... or giving up our dream of sharing a life together with the kids. I promise you, I've learned my lesson well."

After all, I will be the one to hold you

I will be the one to hold you in my arms

In my arms.......

She wasn't saying a word and he couldn't read her face. Was that good or bad? "Doc... doesn't that mean anything to you?" he asked, suddenly more afraid of losing her than ever before.

"Oh, John... I used to think we had a love that could stand up to any challenge... that it was deep, and pure and that it would last forever, but now I... well, I just don't know," she said uncertainly, looking out over the familiar waters, surprisingly unmoved by what he'd just told her.

"Marlena... are you saying that you can't forgive me, that you don't believe in me anymore, or in us?" he asked, wondering how a full confession could possibly have put him in a worse position than when he'd started.

She was confused and said so, "John... I don't know *what* I'm saying... I guess I'm just... tired.... so tired of having to work so hard at this." Imagining what might have been, she shared a conclusion, "I thought that when we finally got together that it would get easier for all of us... that you and I would plan a beautiful wedding.. we'd get married in St. Lukes in front of all our friends and go off on a spectacular honeymoon... and then settle down with the kids. John, I thought we were going to have our happily ever after." When she looked at him again, he could tell that she wasn't sure it was ever going to happen, as if she was thinking their last chance was lost.

"Marlena... we can still have that... we can... if you'll just... hear me out and give me one more chance to prove to you how much I love you," he insisted, praying that this night wasn't going to end the way it began, with him alone and living in a cold, empty hotel room, instead of with the woman he loved in their bed at the Penthouse. Why he expected it to end happily after so much time had passed, he didn't know, but he also knew he would do whatever he had to, to get her back, including swallow what remaining pride he had left inside to kneel at her feet begging for one last chance if that were what it took. Anything, because John believed they'd both suffered enough and he was ready to surrender to her power over him, to the gnawing aching pain inside that came from being separated.

Crossing the distance between them, he placed his hands on her shoulders and slowly turned her around so she was looking at him. Desperately, he pleaded with her again, "I'll do anything you say, Doc... anything you want... Please, Marlena... say you'll take me back! Please," he repeated in a tear-choked whisper. "I can't live without you..."

I know in my heart and mind

That no matter come what may, love will survive..........

He was looking at her, searching her eyes, praying to find another bit of hope when she suddenly had the strangest expression on her face that he'd ever seen and then she said quietly, "John... I need you to explain something to me. What are we doing here... on this pier? Why are you standing here begging me for another chance? Shouldn't we be way past that... after everything we have been through in our lives. By this time there should be no doubt about whom we love, about how and with whom we're going to spend the rest of our lives and yet, here we are.... I don't understand it, John. Help me make sense of how we came to be in this same place again."

"Well, I drove the Jeep..how about... " he said in a lame attempt to coax a smile. He winced when she flashed him a warning look. Seeing that she wasn't in the mood for his particular brand of humor at the moment, he cleared his throat and spoke more seriously, "Marlena... I'm sorry.. I don't know what else to say.. I... I guess I just... took it all for granted... and I got caught up with helping Hope and then it was Vivian, then all that stuff started happening with Sami and Franco... Then Greta came along, and for the first time... I believed there was a chance I could get my past back. I'd been searching so long for the answers to all my questions about it... and there it was in right in front of me..... this connection that could hold the key to everything. So, I lost sight of what was most important in my life for awhile."

She was nodding her head, but she was still puzzled, telling him what she was thinking, "A part of me accepts that explanation, John... and another part of me says that the flame has finally burned out... that it's just... over now. I don't feel the same anymore, John.. and it's so strange to me because last Spring... we were so happy... so much in love and there was no doubt in my mind that we would marry and live out an exciting, happy life together, raising our children, marveling over our grandchildren. I thought our dreams were finally going to come true."

It was frightening to listen to her speak that way, to hear the sound of defeat in her voice as if she were going to let that candle go out, "Marlena... do you really believe it's over for us?" he asked, feeling overwhelmed. At least when she was angry with him, he thought there might be a chance for them to work things out, but this was different; here was no passion, only sadness.

A burst of sheer panic coursed through his veins and the silence of the night held them captive, as he asked the questions for which there were no immediate answers. 'Could the once unbreakable bond have been severed because of his foolish, misguided choices? How many chances did a man like him have to get it right? For the first time, John considered that maybe he'd used his up and it was time to let her go, so she could smile again, so she could be truly happy. He'd missed that dazzling sunlit smile. She deserved to have it back, and maybe the most loving thing to do would be to walk away.

And yet.... no, John knew in his soul that couldn't do it, not unless she sent him away. He had to try one last time. John waited patiently for her response, his heart trembling with fear.

Her sigh should have been enough to answer those anxious questions, but he was undaunted; his hope wouldn't die, not yet. "John... to tell you the truth... I don't even know anymore... I just know that I can't keep.. struggling with you.. I can't keep fighting to put you out of my heart and mind and I definitely won't plead with you to be there for the children and me. I'm so tired of it all, John... and I want to be happy... I just... want to be happy. Tell me.. is that too much for me to ask?"

Taking her in his arms, caressing her face and stroking her silky hair, as if to say, ‘I can still be the one to do that for you.. if you give me a chance.’ Then he replied convincingly, speaking so tenderly but at the same time with great passion, "No... no it's not.. God knows you deserve to be happy, Doc...and I want that for you. I've hurt you... I know that... Please believe that I never meant to... I didn't.. realize what was happening and it took you asking me to leave to make me see what I was doing to you... to us, and the kids... all of it. Marlena, I promise... I have learned from this. Being apart from you... watching you... with somebody else.. it's been killing me, Doc... and I understand how you felt when I wasn't there for you all those times. I'm SO sorry and I *swear* to you, I won't let it happen again!"

Love, the author of space and time........

She stood there staring directly into those brilliant blue eyes that had captivated her for so long and she knew she couldn't just let it die. Not like this, not without a fight. Marlena sighed with weary sign of surrender and said, "Alright... I'm willing to try... but John... I don't want to have this conversation ever again... I will try to be... civil to Greta... but I won't chase after you anymore. If you're going to be the kind of husband and father you always said you wanted to be, then you'll be there for us when we need you, without us having to ask."

Keeps the violins and each sparrow alive.........

Tears filled his eyes and he took a deep breath to savor the moment. John nodded his answer and then said softly, "I understand and I will be." But then it suddenly occurred to him that he needed to know exactly where they stood, and asked the final question, "So, are you saying that I can come home?" his voice quavering with emotion.

Even after everything he'd done to hurt her, it warmed her heart to see such humility emanating from inside his soul, and to look at him and see the boyish excitement in his face when she gave him the answer he was pleading for, "Yes... I'm saying you can come home."

His voice trembled as he let it sink into his heart, and tears filled his suddenly much brighter blue eyes while he spoke with obvious gratitude "Oh, Doc... thank you.. thank you so much... I love you more than anything in this world and I promise... I won't let you down again... I'm going to be there for you and Belle and Brady... and I'll keep my search for my missing years in perspective."

And the love that heals the wound after the war is through

Is the knight in armor bright, faithful and true to you.........

They stood there face to face and hand in hand, looking at each other through an intoxicating lover's gaze, tears brimming... speechless and awestruck. Then, John reached up as he had in so many powerful moments, and with the pads of his thumbs wiped away her tears. In another second, his arms were wrapped around her and his face was next to hers, the scent of their cologne and perfume floating in the air reminding them of what they'd missed, the sounds of their breathing quickening in time, the heavenly sensation of skin against skin, and the warmth and comfort of a tender embrace, all combining to make this moment one to remember for the rest of their lives. After everything else that had happened between them, there was a soul deep bond of love that wouldn't die, and it was never so strong, never so clear in their hearts and minds as when they were holding each other this way.

After all.........

I will be the one to hold you, in my arms

After all, I will be the one to hold you

I will be the one to hold you, in my arms, in my arms

In my arms........

After All (Next one after Insensitive)