BED OF ROSES
She'd been
waiting up for him, as long as she could but at last she succumbed to sleep and
curled up under the rose patterned comforter in their empty bed, a bed that
once seemed too small to contain all the love they shared and expressed so
intimately, so beautifully, so often. Now it seemed much too large for he, for
he wasn't there when she needed him, his search for answers stealing his
attention, changing him, making her wonder if they'd ever have their long
awaited 'happily ever after.'
And the
still air is sweet with summer flowers........
It was
summer... the warm sun shining down upon their backs, the air was sweet, her
golden hair was blowing in the gentle breezes. They were walking hand in hand,
then running, laughing, smiling, making love. It was a time when they had no
doubts, when the love was pure, when all they could see was each other. It was
so long ago... in another lifetime.
In the shade
by the stream I would lie awake and dream
And in
dreaming, I would while away the hours.........
Her childhood
dreams had come true at last. Visions of love so strong--they were there for
each other without question, without asking, facing the storms life brought
together, raising their children in tandem, their commitment steadfast. Their
wedding was an affair to remember. She wore a long flowing gown, her hair up,
soft strands around her face, a beaming smile upon her happy face, tears of joy
falling from her glistening hazel orbs. John, looking handsome as ever, a
boyish grin on his face, was gazing at her with adoration and there were tears
in his eyes for the love they shared, saying the vows of forever.
Long, long
gone yesterday...
Visions
change..... names weren't what they thought... lover's part, play the game,
walk away. Stay away, but not for long. Bodies cleave once again. Love returns
at last.
And the
castle and the prince and the God to whom I pray........
All alone in a
golden cage, in a castle dark, so afraid of the future without him. Her prince
was dead and she was left in the company of a madman obsessed. Then like a
fairy tale, it wasn't true; the good young prince had not been killed by the
evil king, after all. Instead, he came for her, saved the damsel in distress
from that lonely fate. Her hero, handsome, brave and strong--rushing to her
side in times of need, always there, always to love, grand and wondrous plans
to share a life and care.
In another
vision, he wore a hero's armor and rode in on his trusty white stallion, sitting
up so tall and proud. Covered in mist was he. When it cleared, she prepared to
join her man upon that steed, but there was no room on the horse. For there was
another damsel in need- dark haired girl.
He smiled, reached out his hand and said, "Come on along... there's
room enough for two.."
In her heart
she knew. The smile was false; this was another man obsessed, but not with her
or that other girl. It was all about some missing pieces of a past he'd left
behind, and he couldn't find a way to let it go. In her heart she knew the
dream of love was over.
Well I made,
and I'm going to lie in this Bed of Roses
I'm tired of
trying to be free.........
She was so very
tired and all alone--didn't want to go.. but didn't want to stay, so she
climbed aboard that horse. She hid the pain behind her eyes and smiled at them
as if to say,
Gonna lay
down with a sigh in my Bed of Roses
Bed of Roses
I believed my life would be........
This wasn't the
life she thought they'd have, him with a divided heart and mind. She believed
in the fantasy she made. A man to stand beside her, to love and guide her, to
share happy times and sad alike, always putting her and their children's needs
first. But dreams don't always turn out the way we plan and so, what was she to
do?
All the
wasted years
All the
useless bitter tears
If I'd known
I'd have stopped it at the start.........
This man she
loved with every fiber of her being had caused her such pain, her marriage and
family ruined for the love they made. Then the agony of letting go, the
anguished tears that fell as she watched him with a parade of other women,
waiting for him to come to his senses, for him to turn around and look at her
as he did before, for him to finally realize that what they had together was
the best of friendships and the one great love of a lifetime.
I knew life
was long
And I knew
life could go wrong...
There had been
some problems since they found each other again, but none she thought they
couldn't handle. Roman-she loved him once and John thought he was still a
threat and so was scared and insecure, but they made it past that tension too.
Finally, they
were together and engaged to be married. A surprise trip he planned to New
Orleans... It was so romantic--walks along a winding path, riverboat rides,
music to serenade them at sunset, beautiful sunrises, making magic together
every day, holding each other close all through the night. It was a glorious
time of renewal and their love was back on track at long last.
But I never
knew my life would break my heart...
Then *She* came
into their lives, filling his head with visions from the past, the past he'd
wanted to find for so long. Eager to learn those secrets, he trusted in what
she said and followed after her, believing she was the key, not realizing what
he was risking, never seeing how much it hurt his love, never noticing the
changes taking place within himself.
Dreams die
harder than pride...
Slowly... day
by day, her hopes for the future were disappearing from view and she didn't
know what to say or what to do. On the outside, they seemed the perfect pair.
In public, smiling and leaning in for a quick kiss, making promises to spend
more time together soon. But inside she knew, the dreams they shared were
fading fast and there was no more talk of weddings, only stories of the past to
tell.
I have
learned my lesson well
I will put
them both aside...
There was a
part of her deep inside that wanted to shake him, to break him, make him see
what this quest was doing to her, what it was doing to them, but she was so
tired. So very tired of fighting for love.
Cause I made
and I'm going to lie in this Bed of Roses...
She wanted...
she needed rest. Where would she find it? Where was the love that once seemed
so right, that filled her heart with joy and her eyes with happy tears? Where
were those arms so warm, so safe and so secure?
I'm tired
and I'm dying to be free
Gonna lay
down with a sigh in my Bed of Roses
Bed of Roses
I believed my life would be.........
She heard a
noise downstairs and waited. Shut the door, reset the alarm, something to
drink, turn off the lights, shut the blinds, and climb the stairs. As he
reached the door, she closed her eyes and pretended to be asleep.
John sat down
next to her and brushed a stray lock of hair off her face, then caressed her
cheeks with his fingertips, admiring her beauty. And, he spoke to her of his
night and how he'd make it right,
"I'm sorry, Marlena... I didn't mean to be gone so long.... I
promise... I'll make it up to you... we'll do something together tomorrow...
but you know I learned so much tonight... Greta was telling me about....."
Roses die,
and all the fairy tales are lies...
She stopped
listening after his first words and shut her eyes tight fighting back the tears
and wishing she could scream out the truth, that their love was dying, that
*he* was killing it. Day by day, moment by moment, through the unspoken abuse
of neglect, John was killing it. She wanted to tell the world that all the
fairy tales were lies. The handsome sweet prince wasn't what he appeared to be,
that the story should end with the damsel finding her own way out of the tower.
Because in
the end..... the prince would leave....
But, she didn't
have the strength or even the will. It had been too long and hard a battle to
win his heart. For this aging princess there was no turning back. In truth,
she'd been betrothed to the white knight since she was a little girl. Now came
the time to live out the life that had been chosen by the fates.
He noticed her
stirring, the sounds of her breathing. "Marlena... what's wrong.. are you
alright?" he asked, his concern evident.
She didn't turn
over to face him. "Yes... honey.. I'm fine.. I was just... dreaming.. it's
alright."
"Was it a
good dream... about us, I hope," he said cheerfully, hoping to coax a
smile and at least give her a kiss, even if it was late and she was tired.
"Yes... it
was about us..." she said in a tone devoid of feeling. “John...honey, I'm
really tired... and I just want to get some sleep... Goodnight." She tried
to say it pleasantly, pushing the sadness down to where it had to be, forcing
the tears back to the place from whence they came, a part of her heart she was
prepared to close off.
There was
something different; it was in her voice. She'd been crying. "Doc... I can
tell that something's wrong.. what is it? Is it me?" he asked, speaking so
tenderly, and that was all it took...hearing a hint of the love that once was
so strong as to be undeniable. That was all she needed to make her let loose
the floodgates.
She wept and
her body trembled with the powerful release of emotions she'd been holding back
for so long... telling him she understood, that she'd stand by his side as he
focused on everything but their shared dreams. When she recovered slightly,
Marlena lied,. "No... I'm allright.... I just finished watching an old
movie about.. love gone wrong and... I'm having a good cry.. you know I always
do that. "
"Well...
you know that's not going to happen with us... right, Doc? We're forever...
aren't we?" he said, stroking her hair, then rubbing her shoulders and
upper back in that way that used to bring such comfort in trying times. Now,
his touch upon her skin only brought out the reality of what was missing.
"Yes...
honey... we're forever... " she repeated in a soft whisper, her own words
sounding hollow as she uttered them.
He was so far
gone, he didn't even notice. He leaned
in to give her a kiss on the cheek and said a quick, "Alright then..
goodnight, Doc.. I'll let you get some rest." She nodded and he laid down
on his back, ready to doze off in a matter of seconds after his head hit the
pillow.
She waited
until he was asleep, and then she wept some more, grieving for the loss of
those childhood dreams, and for the loss of her belief in true love....
And I guess
that's too bad for poor old me
Gonna lay
down with a sigh in my Bed of Roses.......
Bed of Roses
I believed my life would be.......