THE BEST PART OF YOU

Author’s note: This is a beautiful song and it's been pleading with me for a montage since the first time I heard it. I immediately thought about John and Marlena, wondering how they might feel toward each other if they ever did break it off permanently. However, as I began to write it, the story went along its own path.

THE BEST PART OF YOU as performed by Karla Bonoff

She walked in silence along the shoreline of their private island, surprised to find some pleasure in the tickling of the waves rolling up over her feet, the squishy sensation of sand between her toes, the warmth of the early Summer sun on her back. She looked out to sea and saw a shimmering vision of the man she loved. He was smiling, playful, waving to her and teasing her about how warm the water was, just as he had done on so many days they spent here in paradise.

Written on the wind

The words go by

I see that time like a dream now.........

He'd been taken so suddenly and she was stunned and numb. It was a classic early reaction to loss. The more she thought about it, the more she allowed herself to realize that it hadn't been so sudden after all. On the contrary, it started long ago, with so many little things, but she didn't want to think of it now, not here in this most special of places.

Waves and water roll up around my feet

Living on the island with you.........

Those days were so carefree, their honeymoon and the two months that followed were so magical, blissful, so perfect. They frolicked in the surf and basked in the bright cheerful sunshine, the weather nearly ideal every single day of their extended vacation. The children, who had joined them after two weeks, were happier than they'd ever been during those months. John and Marlena felt safe and secure in each other's arms, believing without a doubt that their love was destined to last the rest of their lives. How ironic that it was true in some strange way.

And back behind the trees

We'd lay side by side.......

Alas, the past would not be silent and it had come back to haunt her love again, stealing something quite precious from him. As experienced as he was in the ways of the world, as schooled as he was in the dark side of humanity, there was some sense of innocence John preserved inside his mind, at least about those early years of his life. The idea that he had been a Priest serving God when Stefano took him prisoner was central to John's sense of self, the concept of having been a good man, a man of faith forced to give up his identity and become someone else was what allowed him to come to terms with what the man had done to him. To know that same goodness had served God again, when he helped to save Marlena's soul brought him great comfort when he most needed it. Somehow, learning the truth had plunged him into a dark maelstrom of paralyzing confusion and tortuous self doubt. Marlena shook her head to clear it of the negative. She didn't want to think about what followed, not yet. The other memories she had of him were so much more pleasing. In their time together on the island he was so much more like the man she knew and loved so deeply, the man she believed he was at the core of his being, behind the pain, underneath the lies and manipulation and the savage mind control to which Stefano Dimera had subjected him. She knew who John Black really was. If only he could have believed in himself the way she did.

I'd touch your face and you'd kiss my eyes

With our love suspended in time and space...

There were so many afternoons, when the children were down for a short nap at the house, times they would always treasure. They would lie on the beach, atop a soft blanket and soak up the rays, many times not a word was spoken. Touching each other, kissing and hugging and loving each other as only they could. She couldn't even count how many times they said their love was meant to last forever.

The hurt we never thought we'd face...

But it didn't. It wasn't able to sustain them through extremely troubled times. Shortly after they arrived on the island, John began having an entirely different set of flashbacks, ones that had nothing to do with Princess Gina, memories of times he spent running on a beach such as this, training for some mission. Then came the nightmares. Working out vigorously, becoming a fighting, killing machine, and what stood out was his ability to fire a gun with incredible precision from nearly any range. And that was only the beginning.

He didn't tell her at first, not wanting to frighten her about his past, the experience of learning how Hope had been transformed into Gina, who wanted him was bad enough. John later told Marlena that he'd been trying to spare her more worry for him, for both of them, so he kept the memory flashes and disturbing nightmares from her as long as possible. That secretive style of coping would eventually be his undoing. The memories became more and more intrusive, images of guns and shooting, of men dying, of women and children crying over their loved ones. At first they only haunted his nightly dreams.

I'll know they'll never fade

Those memories we made

The sad times slip away..........

And then, they plagued him in daylight too. He would have flashbacks of what he'd been trained to do, the visions so vivid he could hear the popping sound of the bullets firing, then the ear piercing screams, and when the killing was more direct, he could feel the blood on his hands; even the foul smell of death was there in his memories. Soon, he was consumed with horrified guilt and the nightmares and flashbacks began to control him, to take over for rational thought. Marlena feared she was losing him.

Day by day, he was slipping away to some dark place where she couldn't join him. Marlena tried to help him, especially after they returned to Salem, using hypnosis and other similar techniques to help him recover more whole memories so that he could move forward, but the problem grew worse with each new recollection, as his life of crime became more and more clear. John was set adrift in an endless sea of self rebuke for the pain he caused to others, in his eyes having committed sins for which there was no hope of redemption, regardless of what his friends, family, and even the Priests he knew well, said to him about God's perspective on the matter.

And I hold on to

The best part of you.......

Marlena chose not to see him that way, in such crippling despair. She chose to recall him as he was on this island, the overgrown boy with the million dollar smile, the one with those dancing, sparkling blues eyes in which she so often lost herself completely. She chose to remember him the way he was before, before the darkness descended and stole his peace of mind, obliterating his faith in his own basic goodness. Once that belief was overturned, his sense of self worth began to erode and she knew she was losing him, though she did her best to stop the downward spiral, telling herself it would be okay, that eventually he would learn to accept it and embrace what everyone tried to tell him. Which was, of course, that he was not responsible for the acts of terror he committed, that Stefano Dimera, pitiful example of a human being that he was, should ultimately be held accountable for what John had done while under his power. Somehow, she was never able to reach inside and he suffered intense distress until the moment he left the earth.

'Well, Marlena... at least he's at peace now,' she kept telling herself over and over again as she continued her walk of remembrance on the beach he loved so dearly. And, then she wept for the pain it caused him to learn the truth, and for the anguish she felt in the moment she learned of his demise. "Oh, John.... I pray you *are* at peace.... I'm so sorry for what he did to you... I just wish... Oh, how I wish you could have... that you could have... found a way to get past it... that you could have let me help you... I loved you so..."

Her heart not able to bear the permanence of their separation, her mind took her back to happier times, to a road trip they'd taken with the kids. Some bright idea he had that first summer. He came home one day with a huge Winnebago and said, "Come on Doc... we're hittin' the road.... we're gonna see the country baby, just you and me and the kids! What do you say?"

And when we hit the road of miles and stars

Just you and me and America........

Never in all her life had she seen eyes so bright and full of joy, a grin so gleeful, or a man so content as he'd been that day. There was no way she could have turned him down, crazy as it seemed. He was so excited that they were back together again, finally married. All he wanted to do was play after the whole ordeal with Hope and Gina. He wanted to get away from Salem as much as possible and so she agreed without hesitation. Within a few hours, they were indeed on the road and headed for unknown adventures.

Playing in the fields by the highway farms

We'd rest until the night came down.........

She recalled so many warm Summer days and nights, the air so sweet and the sky so clear, when they gazed up into the star filled heavens in all their glory. It was a wondrous time for their family of four.

And when you'd take the wheel I'd sleep awhile

And drift away from the world outside

Waking in the sun in another state

I'd never felt my love so great.........

Sometimes, after a fun packed day of exploring, when the kids were sleeping, they would stop and take out a blanket and then lie out under the dark night sky. John would teach her about the constellations, that is until he realized she knew more than she'd been letting on about the Milky Way and the stars, moons and planets contained therein. Those were glorious times and she knew she would never forget those simple moments, when the time for talk was through and they began to make sweet tender love, his touch so gentle, his loving like nothing else on earth, his deep wet kisses as heavenly as those twinkling lights above them...

I know they'll never fade

Those memories we made........

Their love was invincible then, their bond unbreakable, or so it seemed anyway. Never in her wildest imaginings could she have foreseen what actually happened, and she cursed the man responsible for the severing of those ties, as it were. In truth, the bond was never broken, more like forsaken because John could not break free from the oppressive albatross he wore around his neck, placed there by the man in his memories, by that vile tormentor of men, that evil destroyer of hopes and dreams.

The sad times slip away

And I hold on to

The best part of you............

In her own darkest hours, his tortured expression was all she could see, the agony she saw there, in great contrast to that boyish grin he sported in so many other moments. When he realized all that he had done while pretending to be a man of the cloth, he was utterly devastated, laid waste by the revelations. He fought a valiant struggle to put it all in perspective, to accept what everyone said to him about it was true, that it wasn't his fault. At first he was completely overwhelmed and then he hit a period where he was angry at the world in general, when he became explosive and wanted to kill Stefano in cold blood for what the monster had done to him, had made him do.

And then finally came the time when she thought he was almost ready to move on. In reality, it was the beginning of the end for John. There were some really special memories, times when he told her exactly how much he loved her, how without her his life wouldn't mean anything at all, how when he was with her, he could face all the pain, that he could learn to live with himself. Much of it was true because he did love her deeply and he did feel better when they were together. However, the guilt was still eating him up inside and hard as he tried to let it go, John just couldn't accomplish the task of putting it behind him.

On the outside, he seemed to be getting past it, while inside he was dying a little more each day, sometimes turning to alcohol to numb the pain, and sleeping pills at night so he could escape the disturbing dreams. Other times, he hid behind a busy schedule and his great concern for the needs of others, until one day when the emotional and spiritual crisis reached its apex.

I know they'll never fade

Those memories we made........

That day was forever etched in her mind, the memory so vivid. It started out as just an ordinary day, or so it seemed. He awakened early and went out on the terrace of their Penthouse, as he often did, looking out over the city, seeking solace for his troubled soul, peace he secretly believed he could find only in the heavens. Unfortunately, he didn't share his truest feelings with his love, not wanting to burden her any more than he already had to that point. Therefore, she didn't know what he was thinking in his most desperate moments. If she had, she might have made a different decision that day. Her friends kept telling her she couldn't blame herself for his misguided choice, but she wished with all her might that she could go back in time and relive the days and weeks leading up to that fateful night.

The sad times slip away.......

Off in the distance, she saw a man walking along the surf, his posture so much like the man she loved, it made her heart ache and she found herself talking to him again, demanding an explanation for the decision he'd made that day. "Oh... John.. why? How could you do it? Why didn't you tell me how much you were still hurting. WHY!!" She had cried out to her love at least a thousand times, asking that question over and over until she thought *she* would die for the pain it caused her to imagine what it must have been like for him to die all alone in their bed, feeling such agonizing guilt for his sins, believing that if he were to stay she and his children would ultimately be harmed by his presence in their lives. It was all spelled out in the note he'd written, but it only made things worse to read it and she yelled at him again, "I am SO ANGRY with you!! You said you were feeling better... you told me you were getting past it... I don't understand, John... How could you lie to me that way. How could you DO this to me.. to the children!! We NEED YOU!!! DAMN YOU!! Damn you..... I love you... I love you so... " she said in tear choked whispers as she fell to the surf, overcome by emotion.

Her grief engulfed her like the most powerful of waves washing over her body. It felt as though the feelings of angry grief would never end and the questions haunted her day and night, ceaseless, as the tears seemed to be. She was in bitter anguish without him, at a loss to explain to their two small children, his sudden and very permanent absence from their lives. After a long while, she managed to find the strength to stand up again, the flow of moisture stemmed for a bit. A part of her understood his need to end the pain he was experiencing, to remove himself from their lives, having come to believe that he was a burden and a detriment, rather than a positive influence on them. He'd chosen a day when she was out of town and the children were with their grandparents, picking a moment when he was all alone to have an "accident" with his medication. Later on, when the press died down and his death was indeed ruled accidental as he intended, Marlena found his letter. He arranged it that way so she and the children would be free to inherit all his wealth, including the tremendous sum that came from his life insurance policy. She didn't know whether to laugh or cry at that point, for even in taking his own life, John sought to protect her.

And I know I knew

The best part of you......