COMING IN AND OUT OF YOUR LIFE
The last
time I cried
I was
holding you and loving you...
Marlena
watched and waited for a moment, just long enough for the anguish to turn to
anger. It had been such a short time ago, when they were made love and
expressed their undying devotion, and now John was sitting with Greta and Hope,
sharing conversations over coffee and who knew what else. She wanted to hate
him, she wanted to despise him for what he was doing, for what SHE, the woman
from his flashbacks was doing to them. But as much as she tried, as much as she
practiced putting on that emotion, Marlena could never hate him. John was her
fatal flaw, her Achilles heel. She would always love him, no matter what
happened between them, no matter what he did to damage the relationship. Her
mind made excuses; he was confused, the memories were difficult to deal with
and Hope was manipulating him, playing on his desire to know and using her
knowledge of the past to draw him in. Then there were the migraines. There were
any number of reasons she might give to absolve her love of the full
responsibility for what was taking place. Some were valid, some most definitely
not.
Knowing it
would end
I never
felt so good
Yet felt
so bad
What made it
so painful was that she'd seen it coming months earlier when he first began to
delve into his undiscovered past through the use of hypnosis. Even as they were
loving each other, moving slowly closer to choosing a wedding date, in the back
of her mind someplace she knew that it would end somehow. She tried to deny it,
but it was there, lurking in the background.
You're the
one I love
And what
makes it sad
Is you don't
belong to me
Now, she knew
the truth John *had* loved before and the woman in his memories was the one.
The real Princess Gina. Only now it was Hope who was coming between them.
Marlena had known that something wasn't quite right about the woman for several
months now, but she couldn't put her finger on it without conducting a formal
evaluation. It seemed as though Hope had been transformed into Gina somehow.
Now it was obvious. The other woman wanted John for herself and she was trying
to take him away from all those he loved. Her efforts were paying off quite
handsomely, or so it seemed on the surface anyway. Their eyes connected and the
girl's smug expression was a little too much to take.
And I can
remember
The last
time I lied…
She
remembered another time when someone had come between them, another love, her
love… Roman Brady. When she and John had the affair, they had to end their
romantic relationship, saying they could remain good friends. Special friends,
but only friends nonetheless, no longer lovers. It had been a flat out lie they
tried to tell themselves. In their hearts, they knew it then just as they knew
it now. They could never be "just friends."
I was
holding you and telling you
We could
still be friends
John looked
up from his cup of coffee and tried to smile, tried to seem happy for her
benefit because it was what she said she wanted him to do, but he failed
miserably. He didn't want to be with Hope or Gina, or anyone else but Marlena.
Still, he had to try, it was what Marlena said she wanted and needed, for him
to spend some time figuring it out before they wed, hopefully later on in the
summer. In his mind, as confused as he was by the newly recaptured memories, it
was just another setback and he hated being apart.
Tried to
let you go...
However,
Marlena wanted him heart and soul, and therefore at her firm suggestion they
decided to separate for a period of one month, after which time they planned to
talk again. When he looked at her she didn't seem terribly unhappy about it and
she had been spending a substantial amount of time with Roman of late,
especially since Sami went on the run again. Maybe her feelings for him were
being rekindled. Maybe she was falling in love with her old love again. What if
it weren't only himself who needed to sort out his feelings; what if it were
her? And what if when the month was over, it was Marlena who had changed her
mind? He felt an overwhelming urge to go to her and say that it was all a big
mistake, that he didn't need any time, that his feelings would never change...
But I
can't you know
And even
though I'm not with you..
I need you
so...
John's heart
was breaking a little more each day, and he wondered how she was really
feeling. Most of all, he longed to go to her, to take her in the strength and
power of his embrace, to kiss her hungrily, and then make wild passionate love
to her. He wanted to make her forget all about their agreement to stay away
from each other for what seemed an eternity, but in reality had been only two
weeks so far. His body literally ached for the loss of intimacy, his skin
crying out for her gentle loving touch, his nights so lonely he thought he
would die.
But you
don't belong to me...
Suddenly, he
looked up at her and Roman was standing behind her, his arm lightly draped over
her shoulders. He looked so comfortable, and so did she for that matter. She
looked contented with the other man by her side; she smiled at Roman and John
went back in time again. He remembered some of his parting words from the last
time they tried to let go, "You know this isn't easy for me" he had
said, his voice thick with emotion and then the strong statement,
"..because what we have is so DAMN GOOD!"
Comin' in
and out of your life
Isn't
easy...
Their eyes
met and lingered again, as they so often did, imparting all that their words
couldn't quite say. It was best for both of them to have some time apart.
Marlena kept repeating that phrase to herself over and over until she began to
believe it. However, when she looked at his disheartened blue eyes all that
logic seemed to drift right out of her mind and her heart ached for what they were
both missing.
When
there's so many nights
I can't
hold you and I've told you
These
feelings are so hard to find...
His words on
bended knee, and the warm loving smile that graced his face, returned to her
each night as she tried to fall asleep. "Marlena, my best friend, my
soulmate, my doctor, will you marry me?" He'd asked in a half dozen
different ways since, but it was still the same to her. The man she loved with
all her heart and soul had asked her to become his wife, a dream she'd held onto
for so long. Through all the years they were apart, she believed somewhere in
the back of her mind that it would happen one day. They were so close when the
whole distressing ordeal with his past began.
Comin' in
and out of your life
Will never
free me..
No matter
whether there was a love before or after her, John knew in *his* heart that her
hold on him was forevermore. It was as if it were foreordained by the heavens.
Even if he had wanted to let go of his feelings for her, it would be impossible
and he sensed she knew it too, and that she felt the same way about him. But,
what would it take to convince her that what she'd seen wasn't about he and
Hope in the present, that it was some strange surreal experience from his past
come to life in the present in the moment his gaze fell upon that damn compact.
The psychiatrist in her understood it, but the woman, well, she was clearly
having a much tougher time dealing with what appeared to be an intimate moment
between he and Hope.
Cause I
don't need to touch you
To feel
you, it's so real with you...
The memories
of lovemaking were so vivid, it seemed as though they were happening in the
present and his breath quickened at the mere thought of her sometimes.
"Oh, John.. make love to me.. again." John heard her voice at night,
when he was all alone and the room was dark and so very quiet. She was there..
she was always there in his heart, and in his mind, and most importantly,
Marlena was in John's soul. It was the one and only inescapable, undeniable
fact of his existence on planet earth. No matter where he went, no matter what
he did, she would always be with him.
I just
can't get you out of my mind
But I can
just remember the last time we tried...
She was
thinking back again to the past, their past, to the time when she was
attempting to recommit to her marriage, when she was working so hard at letting
John go. That was when she lured him outside, when she attempted to seduce him
back into her life, while her verbal messages were that she wanted him to move
on and was glad he'd found someone to date. Those were lies of the mind, but
her body told the truth, and he responded predictably by joining her where she
waited not so very patiently.
Each
needing more than we could give
And
knowing all the time
They were in
the pond, holding each other, wanting each other so badly and fighting it with
every ounce of strength inside themselves. They almost made love that night,
but didn't, parting ways, even as they openly acknowledged that they would
always share an important connection, that they would always love each other.
It seemed like a lifetime ago sometimes and it was... And other times, it was
like yesterday.
A stronger
love
Just can't
be found...
So, if that
were the case, how did they come to a point of separation again? Was it
possible that their once great love affair had run its course, that it was
truly over? Had John crossed some imaginary line and created a distance that
could never be bridged?
Even
though at times this crazy world
Is turning
upside down
You'll
always belong to me...
John's eyes
sent a stronger message this time. He was through playing. Without a word, he
told her how he felt. He wanted her back; his days of thinking about what he
wanted, about who he wanted were over now. With a piercing expression on his
ruggedly handsome face, he stepped away from the table at which he was sitting
with Hope and Greta to approach Roman and Marlena. He blew out the breath that
he'd been holding and said very firmly, "Marlena.. we need to talk, don't
you think it's time we stop this charade we've been playing?"
"John, I
don't know what you're talking about," she said as casually as possible,
nestling up a little closer to Roman, whose eyes opened a little wider. He was
surprised but prepared to go along with her, wrapping his arms a tighter around
her slender shapely form, enjoying the closeness. She was going to make John
work at it and from the penetrating look in the man’s eyes, the show was going
to be worth watching. After all, there just might be a payoff for him if he
played it right.
After a quick
glance at his rival to read the situation, John was satisfied there was no real
cause for concern, and spoke directly to his fiance, "Marlena, I love you,
and you love me, so let's just quite pretending here. I *know* that you're
upset with me, about a lot of things and God knows you have every right to be,
but that doesn't change the facts."
"Oh, and
what facts might those be, John?" she challenged, staring him down, taking
a step away from Roman and crossing her arms in front of her body.
John decided
he had nothing to lose and everything to gain, so he went for broke, speaking
boldly as he stepped closer still, "The fact that we belong together, the
fact that our love is so strong and so deep that it can stand up to any
challenge!" John paused for effect and then made one last comment before
he made his move. "This fact!" he finished emphatically, as he
took her in his arms and then captured her mouth in a fiery kiss, the
flickering movements of his tongue inside her mouth taking her breath away and
leaving her flushed with desire. When it ended, there were people clapping, and
she was struck speechless.
John took
full advantage of the moment, still holding her at the shoulders.
"Marlena, it's no secret that I have made my mistakes where you're
concerned and pursuing my past the way I did was one of em. But, if there's one
thing I've learned through this whole ordeal, it's that I don't want to come in
and out of your life anymore. I want you *in* my life for all time. I *want*
you to MARRY me, Doc, and I *won't* take no for an answer!" he said with
conviction, bending down on his left knee in front of an extremely attentive
audience, holding the engagement ring poised to place it back on her finger,
permanently.
Comin' in
and out of your life
Isn't
easy....
She didn't
know what to say or do. It was a moment for truth if ever there were one, but
what should she do? What should she say to all of that? Everything he said was
the absolute truth. She did still love him, and their love was strong enough to
handle anything, but he had hurt her so many times, especially in recent
months.
When
there's so many nights
I can't
hold you and I've told you...
In reality,
the year of their engagement was about as far from what it should have been as
she could ever have imagined and here he was pleading with her to take him
back. It shouldn't even have been necessary. What if they returned to this same
crossroads yet another time because of something else from his past?
These
feelings are so hard to find...
For a second
or two she actually contemplated turning him down. What would happen if she
said no and walked away? Would she regret that choice for the rest of her life?
The answer was right there in her heart, and in her mind, and in her very soul.
Comin' in
and out of your life
Will never
free me...
Their
relationship was so complicated. Marlena was weary and she longed for peace and
simplicity. She smiled internally, for she knew she would never get that with
the enigma that was John Black. And yet, no matter the pain it caused, she was
well aware that her heart and indeed her life were inextricably linked with
his, and had been since the very first moment their eyes met.
I don't
need to touch you
To feel
you, it's so real with you...
Images
presented themselves as if to help her decide how to respond to his almost
demanding proposal. She remembered how he looked on their wedding day so long
ago, when he was literally a different person, when his blue eyes sparkled, and
his sweet boyish face beamed with pride and joy. She saw his cheeks flushed and
moist with love's tears, his voice thick with emotion, so much in love that he
was unconcerned with appearances.
I can't
get you out of my mind...
She opened
her eyes and looked at his face as it was in the present. There were lines
there now, and more than a few gray hairs on his head, but when she looked
intently into his deep blue eyes, she saw that same love and devotion. She saw
the same strength of conviction in knowing that the only thing that was right
and true in his life was the love he shared with the woman standing before him.
"God
help me, John Black, but I accept. Yes, I will marry you, but it better be very
*very* soon. Do you understand me?
But I can
remember...
His eyes
twinkled as he remembered the last time and he said with an endearing smile
that took her back as well, "How about a week from Friday?"
Her eyes
filled with tears and her sigh was one of so many emotions, but mostly the
overwhelming feeling of love she could never deny for any length of time.
"Oh, John, I just.. I love you so.." she said as joyful tears flowed
once more.
As a lone
tear sneaked its way out of his right eye, John smiled lightly, wrapped his
arms around her and said softly, "I was kinda countin' on that, Doc. I
love you, *only* you, Marlena.. for the rest of my life, and I promise, I won't
let you down, not ever again!" She gazed deeply into his baby blues and
lost herself in the mist. It was a wondrous sensation.
Yes, I
still can remember....
Inspired by
song of the same title as performed by Barbra Streisand