Eternity
I
was born on the banks of eternity
A
page from the history it teaches..........
John
was thinking about his life and the bits and pieces he'd learned since that
fateful night when the DNA results came back, sealing his fate. It was seven
years ago that he learned he wasn't Roman Brady and he still knew very little
about his own life, his childhood, his upbringing, who influenced him, how he
came to be a Priest. And now there was the picture he held in his hands, the
one that made him believe it was likely that even all those years ago Stefano
was controlling his mind, that he spent most of his life forced to do the evil
man's bidding. John was his "Pawn," treated as if he were some
plaything to be manipulated in any way the monster wanted to use him. Was I
ever my own person? Did I ever have a choice in what I did with my life? What
did he make me do? Who *am* I? The questions swirled around in his head until
he thought he might explode.
Leaving
everything along the way in pieces.....
Pieces
of a life... that's all it was; a bunch of puzzle pieces that didn't fit. The
Pawn... John Black... Roman Brady... Forrest Alamain... Father Black.. Mystery
man, fighter, lover, Father, son, brother, Priest. So many names, so many roles to play, so many
memories of an existence he couldn't recapture.
Some
may have cheered
Some
may have wondered
If
I am flesh, if I am stone........
Marlena
looked over at him worriedly. He had become so quiet again, and he kept staring
at the picture over and over, as if he were willing it to give up the secrets
of his past, secrets she knew he longed to recover. He hadn't said it but she
sensed that he was feeling lost and alone, even with her by his side. Her heart
was aching for him, wishing there were something she could do to help him. It
seemed that every time he got a little piece of his history back and had a
chance to feel secure with that knowledge, something came along to shake him up
again. The picture had done that, sparking a whole new round of anguished
self-doubt and helpless frustration. Stefano held the keys to his past. Stefano
was the gatekeeper and it was maddening for John to wonder just how long that
twisted version of a human being had been manipulating and controlling his
destiny.
Thoughts
of you tear through me like thunder
You
are the light that has led me back home.........
She
approached him without uttering a sound, sat down next to him and began to
massage the taut muscles of his neck and shoulders, a move which elicited a
contented moan, "Ah... Oh.. Doc... that feels so good.."
Marlena
smiled, satisfied with that result. "I'm glad... I was hoping it would.
You're so tense honey... and you've been awfully quiet. Do you want to let me
know what's going on inside that head of yours? They tell me I'm a pretty good
listener?"
Take
me to the river babe
Wash
away the lies
I've
got no reputation living in your eyes
Take
me to eternity
Let
me bury this disguise............
He
laughed lightly, something he hadn't done all day, "Yea... you are..
you're good at that.. and SO many other things too."
"Yes...
actually, I am... would you like a demonstration?" she asked with a
playfully sexy wink, as she scooted around to face him. Marlena touched his
cheek and he knew what she had in mind the second their eyes met.
He
wanted to let her love him, to lose himself in her arms, in her tender healing
touch, in the smell and feel of her body next to his, but somehow.. he
couldn't, and he didn't even know why.
You
were there when my dreams had all turned to dust
And
the man in the mirror was a stranger........
For
some unexplainable reason, he thought of some of the worst moments of his life,
times he could hardly go on. Like that night when the tests results came in and
he was devastated to learn that the life he'd lived for almost seven years was
never his to lead. He felt so empty inside, adrift on an endless dark and
stormy sea, but she was there. Marlena was always there. A true Godsend in his
darkest hours.
Look
at me now, a soulless survivor
No
mask can hide the man that I've made.........
Another
image came to mind; it was just after Isabella died. He was all alone at the
Loft, trying to force down the grief, denying the gutwrenching, soul
penetrating fear, the crippling loneliness and loss, and she came to see him-to
check on him. He tried to deny the pain, even to her, scurrying around the room
while she sat. She pushed him; she made him feel it. She was there again, when
he didn't have the strength or even the will to go on, to keep fighting.
Marlena was there, looking behind the false front.
You
ease my pain
You
make it silent..........
Marlena
could see him drawing inside himself, pulling away from her out of some
misguided idea that she would be hurt by what he learned. Her hands went to his
face. Gently, she tipped his head up so their eyes met, saying passionately,
"Honey... I'm here.. I'm always going to be here for you... I love you...
the man you are with me... I *know* you...
You are good and kind and loving, and I'm not worried about what we'll
find. We'll face it together and that is all that matters to me."
Slowly
I feel it beginning to fade.........
His
voice cracked as he tried to tell her what hearing her say that with such utter
conviction meant to him, how she touched him emotionally, "Do you know...
how much... I love you? Do you have any idea what you do for me?"
"I
make horrible coffee and fix you runny omelets?" she teased, wanting to
help him lighten up a little bit.
Smiling
as his thoughts returned to the past, to the day they spent in the Loft after
she was healed from her horrible ordeal, he said with a slight nod of his head,
"Yea.... that too..... I love you and I *need* you so much... I don't know
what I ever did without you, Marlena." Pausing to think about what his
life was like without her, wondering what he would find if he kept chasing off
after the fragments of a life, wondering what could make her let him go, he
reached out for her face this time. "Doc... what if....." he started
to say hesitantly, not even certain what he was going to ask.
Putting
her right forefinger over his lips she cut him off, saying softly, but with
conviction, "Hush.... we're soulmates... remember? There is nothing you
can find out that is going to make me stop loving you... and nothing that will
*ever* make me leave you.. NOTHING, John... "
Take
me to the river babe
Wash
away the lies............
"Oh...Marlena...
I want to believe that... more than anything.. but.. I'm.. scared that I'm
going to find out that I did some horrible things... things that hurt
people."
Marlena
understood why he was questioning himself, but she desperately wanted to reach
inside, to find a way to make him believe that no matter what they discovered,
it wouldn't change how she felt about him. "Well, if you did.. it was
because he forced you to do them... and no one is going to hold you responsible
for that... no one, John. Please... accept the fact that my love for you is
unconditional. I *love* you... and I always will."
I've
got no reputation living in your eyes
Take
me to eternity
Let
me bury this disguise..........
He
gazed deeply into her shining hazel eyes, which were moist with tears she cried
for the torment she saw in his. Amazed by the love he found there, John felt
tears forming as well. "Oh.. Doc... You are so... incredible to me.. the
love you've given me... your unfailing support and belief in me... your
forgiveness when I've messed up... It's all so amazing to me... "
I
want to feel it
Rushing
over me into the tide........
Finally,
he was relenting to her ministrations. She was kissing him now, her tongue
rolling around his, her stimulating touch impossible to resist. Next, she took
his shirt up over his head and began to kiss his chest, while her hands started
to rove all over his upper body. Soon, his breathing began to change, and he
was removing her clothing as well.
Drinking
in the sight of her, breathing deeply of the sweet, sensual aroma of her
cologne was enticing; he tilted his head back and shut his eyes for a moment,
allowing the love and desire to fill his aching heart and then he kissed her
feverishly, taking them to a place only they two could go.
I
want to taste it
Every
moment 'til the end of my life......
Within
a few more minutes, they were lost in heated passion, expressing physically,
the emotional and spiritual intimacy they shared. John began to love her with
his lips and his tongue, at the same time as his hands caressed the entire
surface of her body... She moaned with increasing pleasure... giving herself
over to the electrical sensations flowing through every nerve fiber..
"Oh.. John... it feels so good, honey... you please me so... Oh.."
she cried out, feeling overwhelming desire to join with him.
It
made him feel fulfilled, uplifted in ways he couldn't describe, to bring her
such pleasure, and he wanted to make it last, so he slowed it down slightly,
drawing out of the embrace to kiss her on the lips. Looking into her face, he
said softly.. "All I ever want to do is make you happy... and please you
this way... I love you..." John was weeping softly and he didn't quite
understand where the tears were coming from.. Maybe it was because he knew in
his heart that he didn't deserve her love, but she was giving it anyway.
"I just love you... so much!"
Wiping
away a lone wayward tear or two with her outstretched fingertips, even as she
found more moisture dropping from her own, she said the same, "And I love
you.. more than I can ever say to you. John... you deserve this... I wish I
could find a way to convince you... You are a good man.... and you deserve to
have this love; you have a right to be happy. Nothing is going to take this
away from us, John... because we won't let it happen!"
He
nodded, and then was carried away in the current of her love for him.. letting
her love him in a very special way... his desire rising higher and higher with
each swell of a wave. "Oh.. Doc...you make me believe.. you make me feel
so loved!" he was saying as she
brought him to the edge of sheer ecstasy.
John
let her take him up as long as he could possibly stand to wait before turning
it around, rolling them over so that he was on top. They stopped to look at
each other, delighted with the sight of their bodies flushed with heated
desire, and wanting what they could only get from each other, from sharing this
intensity. This blissful blending into one flesh. In one swift motion, John
entered her.
They
moved in perfect synchronization, like a dance number performed by lifelong
partners. The love they made was a thing of beauty."Oh.. Marlena.... oh..
it's incredible... I love you, I love you.." he said in a breathless
whisper.
"John...
oh.. honey.... it feels so good... oh... get closer... I can't get close
enough!" she cried, her arms wrapped tightly around him as they finally
reached the top of the highest wave and began to ride it in toward the shore.
Hoping
your faith would erase all the years........
They
lay next to each other on the wide leather seat of John's private jet, basking
in the afterglow of the love they made. It was a singularly marvelous
sensation, their hearts slowing in time, their breathing matching in pace, the
intimacy permeating their souls. "Marlena.... I...don't know how to tell you...
what you... bring into my life... there aren't words.. to describe the kind of
love you give to me.. the way my heart feels when you're with me. "
She
was touched by his sincerity, "Oh.. honey.. you don't have to say
anything... I know... because I feel the same way about being with you.."
He
was shaking his head slightly, as he traced the outline of her face with his
left forefinger, "No... no you don't.. you see... you know who you are...
you were raised by loving parents... you know where you come from... why you
think the way you do... Those are things I can't say about myself..." John
paused momentarily, formulating his thoughts so that he could express what was
in his heart, what he had come to realize while they were apart this last time.
His voice trembled with vulnerability as he gazed into her eyes and shared it
with her, "Marlena... the honest truth is.. the only time... that I
even... have a clue... who I am... is when I look into your eyes... You.. make
me feel valuable... you make me feel worthwhile... like there's a reason for me
to be alive.. it's you... only you, Doc...." he finished as the grateful
tears tried to return.
Sitting
up, she took both of his hands in hers and held them up to her mouth, planting
a soft moist kiss upon them, just before she spoke with passion. Still holding
one hand and reaching up to caress his cheek with the other, she shared her
perspective, "Oh... baby... I wish that you could see what *I* see when I
look at you... that you could understand what I feel when I'm in *your* arms.
John, whether you remember how it came to pass or not... you are a warm,
giving, compassionate, tender, loving man.. a terrific father to our
children... a trusted and loyal friend.... a devoted son and brother to the
Brady's. You have so many wonderful qualities, John... and that is who you are.
None of that is because of me. The goodness is inside of you... and nothing you
learn about your past will change that, but you have to find it in yourself to
believe it."
Maybe
some time, maybe some magic
Maybe
your love will make everything clear......
She
was doing it again. He wasn't fishing for compliments, but she gave them freely
because she loved him. She said what he needed to hear when he most needed to
hear it. When he was with her, he could see his destiny, his future seemed so
clear and yet he was afraid of what his love might do to her, of what
uncovering his past might do to their relationship. "Let me love you,
John... trust in my love for you, honey.. that's all I ask of you, " she
implored.
Take
me to the river babe
Wash
away the lies
I've
got no reputation living in your eyes
Take
me to eternity
Let
me bury this disguise......
With
her, there was no more reason to hide, no reason to pretend. He could be his
truest self, allow himself to feel all of his feelings, think all his thoughts,
however crazy they might seem and express them as they were without fear of
ridicule. She loved him exactly as he was, glaring faults and unknown truths
included. Marlena was his friend and his lover, his angel and his confessor,
his rock, his foundation. She was everything he ever wanted and needed, all he
could ever imagine or dream of being, he saw in her eyes. "Okay....
okay... I will..... I just.. don't want you to be hurt anymore... that's all...
and I want you to know something. I would die before I let anything else hurt
you... I love you so much!" he finished fervently.
She
sighed, glad to see that he was letting go, allowing himself to trust in her,
in himself, and in the strength of the love they shared. " I know that...
and I would do the same for you... Now, I don't want to hear any more talk
about your past and what you learn about it causing us problems.. Our love can
stand up to any test, any challenge.. We've already proven that beyond all
doubt, John... Nothing can come between us, unless we let it.. right?"
"Right...
You're the Doc... and you should know....." he said with a playful smile,
as he kissed her on the forehead and then drew her into his arms.
She
sighed contentedly and said with a chuckle, "Yes I should... and I do...
love you."
John
winked at her and leaned in closer, saying, "Cute... she's a poet and she
knows it... God, I love you!" he
added, staring into those amazing eyes of hers.
Another
kiss and they were on their way again....
Take
me to the river babe
Wash
away the lies
There
are no expectations hiding in your eyes
Take
me to eternity
Let
me bury this disguise.....