AFTER THE FALL
Chapter One
How long had it been? A month, or maybe
two? She glanced at her watch. 'Oh, stop
it Marlena... admit it to yourself, you know exactly how long it's been... One
month, sixteen days, nine hours... and
twenty seven minutes, so don't fool yourself... you know you care... ' It
made her mad, 'No I don't... I don't care... I just... have to see him.'
She dreaded seeing him in such a sorry state, but it had to be done. He
needed to know what she was planning.
John was lying down on his left side,
with his back turned away from the door of his prison cell. For a moment or two
she just stood there watching him breathe. She thought he might sense her
presence but he didn't move and he didn't make a sound. Yet another indication
of how far apart they'd grown in the past year. She sighed wistfully, wishing
it could have been different, 'Oh
John...' Finally, she cleared her throat to gain his attention.
Slowly, he turned over and looked up to
see what they wanted now. Why couldn't
they just leave him alone? Shock registered first, and then came the pain
mixed with anger. "What are *you* doing here? I thought you washed your
hands of me a long time ago."
"John... please..."
"Look, you as much as told me you
never wanted to see me again, Marlena.. so why the hell are you here now... you
want to rub it in? Tell me you can't believe I fell so far? What!"
"John... stop it... I'm here
because I... care about you."
A sarcastic smile appeared on his face
and his tone matched it, "Oh right... you care... tell me another story...
how about you feel sorry for me... I'll buy that one."
"Fine... you want to wallow in self
pity, you go right ahead.... I'll leave you to it." She turned to go and
he practically jumped off the bed.
Realizing he was blowing his opportunity
to make things right, John stood tall, swallowed his pride and apologized,
"No... wait, please I'm...sorry... tell me why you came to see me. I'll
listen this time."
She sighed. Maybe they could be civil
after all. "Thank you.... John, I won't waste any time on small talk. I'm
here because I've been asked to testify...."
"Against me?"
"Yes..."
"Oh... " The silence that
followed was excruciating. Finally he asked the question for which he had to
have an answer, " You're gonna do it... aren't you?"
She hated to tell him, but he had to
know ahead of time. It would crush him to have her appear as a surprise
witness... her mind taking her back in time to Aremid, and the horrified
wounded look on his face when Kristen blurted out that she thought he could
have killed Tony Dimera. "I was thinking about it, yes...."
Even though he'd anticipated this
moment, the pain was overwhelming. How could their love have gone so far wrong
that she would testify against him in a court of law? "Great... I'm sure
you'll be a star witness, Doc... maybe you'll even get another fifteen minutes
of fame out of it... Go for it, Doctor Marlena!" he spat at her, his anger
covering the sadness.
"John... I'm sorry... I know that
this... hurts you... but I'm doing it because I think you need help..."
His blue eyes slightly cloudy, he argued
the point, saying the opposite of what he'd intended when he thought of this
inevitable meeting, "No I don't. I needed... you, Marlena." Maybe he
had to hear her say it, to confirm his theory that any remnants of love she
felt for him had long since faded.
Shaking her head, she tried to avoid
going in that direction, "John.... don't do this...."
Now he knew.... and he blew off the pain
at her, wishing she could feel something different, yet at the same time
recognizing that it would make the rest of his plan easier to carry out.
"What... you mean you don't want me to tell you that I still love you,
Doc... that I *ache* for you every night when I go to bed alone? You don't want
to hear that my life really isn't worth living without you? Come on, everybody
needs a good ego boost now and then... tell me you don't love it!"
Regardless of the self talk she had
engaged in prior to this visit, he could push her buttons like no other, and her
own anger flared, "John stop this... it was YOU... who ruined it, not
me... you were the one who lied! Over and over again, you lied to me... so
don't you go trying to blame your problems on me!"
"I know that! Don't you think I
regret everything I did... don't you think I've punished myself for
it...."
"Yes I know that you have... you've
been torturing yourself for months... you even went back to Stefano... Why, why
did you do that, John?"
It was a long while before he answered,
as he debated whether or not to tell her the truth. When he did reply, his
voice was soft and low, "Because it was all I thought I was good for,
Marlena.... I failed as a father, I failed as a husband, and I failed as a
friend..... there was nothing left for me, Doc... and no place else to go...
Besides, I figured that if I went back to him... " He stopped, realizing
how it would sound to her and decided it was better if that part remained his
secret, "Oh, never mind.." he added, shaking his head forlornly and
moving away from her.
"No, John...tell me... I need to
understand it."
"Alright, the truth is... I guess a
part of me... thought that... sooner or later... I'd take a bullet.... and it
would put an end to your misery.... I knew that if I was out of the picture
permanently.... you would eventually move on... and find happiness again,
with... someone else, someone who deserves to have you."
She knew he was down on himself but this
revelation shocked her and she wanted him to repeat it point blank.
"You're saying that you wanted to die..... you went back to work for
Stefano because you thought you'd be killed?"
It seemed stupid and pathetic when he
heard it coming out of her mouth, but he answered honestly, purposely not
looking at her so as to avoid that expression mirroring pity, "Yes."
"Oh, John.... honey... don't you
see... you need help, baby..... you need therapy..."
He shook his head. "No, it's too
late for that, Doc... "
"No, no.. it's never too late for
healing, John... "
He stepped up to the bars and yelled at
her of his fate, "Don't you GET it, Marlena... my brain is like Swiss
cheese! He's messed with it one too many times.... I don't even have a CLUE who
I am anymore, Doc!"
It was agony to see the soul deep pain
in his sad blue eyes, "I know that... but maybe it's time to find out,
John.... let us help you.... let *me* help you... please..."
She seemed genuine... and for a moment
his emotions got the best of him. He looked into her suddenly moist hazel eyes,
searching for a motive.. "Why... after what I did to you and the family...
after what you said about ending the marriage... why would you want to help
me..."
"Because I...."
Realizing that he was letting himself
believe again, something he couldn't afford to do, John interrupted her and
went back toward his original course.. "Oh, forget it... go, just go,
Marlena! Please.... just let it go.... I did the crime, Doc... and now I have
to pay. Do me one last favor and please stay out of it...."
Something about the way he said it made
her suspicious and she decided to call him on it, staring straight into eyes
she could no longer read with ease. "Oh my Gosh.... John... you didn't do
it!" John glanced away in the second she confronted him, alarm bells going
off inside her head, "Did you.... you weren't driving the car! Someone
else was with you in the Jeep that night, and you took the blame for them,
didn't you?"
Still he wouldn't look her in the face,
his mind seemingly focused on some internal process as he shook his head.
"You can't save me, Doc... no one can... please just let this be. After
all the pain I caused you and the kids, the Brady's, you know it's for the
best."
"No, John... it's not for the
best... not for you, not for me... not for anybody! I don't care what you say,
I know the truth now, and I won't let you throw your life away!"
"You just said it yourself,
Marlena.. it's too late for us, I ruined it....now please, just leave it
alone!"
Ignoring him, she informed him of her
plans, "I'll be right back.... I'm going to talk to Abe."
Grabbing her wrist, he kept her from
leaving. "No... don't do that! Marlena... please listen to me... I'm
asking.... no, I'm...begging you. Leave this alone. Just send me the divorce
papers and I'll sign them this time. I won't fight you anymore."
Snatching her hand away, she tried to
get him to open up, "What are you doing, John.... this doesn't make any
sense to me?"
Now his voice was oddly devoid of
emotion, "I'm doing the best I can to make things right.... please, just
let me go.... cut me off, Doc... it's the best decision you can make for
yourself.... for everybody."
She shook her head, "No...just a
minute ago you were hurting.... you wanted me to say that I still cared...that
we had a chance.... No, I'm more convinced than ever that there's something
you're not telling me, John... what is it? Who are you protecting and what
secret are you hiding now?"
Hard as he tried, he knew he couldn't
keep the fear of being discovered from his voice or his eyes, "You have it
all wrong, Doc... I just want to give you and the kids a chance to start over
and I think the best way to do that is for you to cut all ties with me. A
divorce is the first step. You've wanted it for a long time, and I'm saying I
won't put up a fight."
She saw something in his face that
didn't jive and she wasn't about to leave it at that, "No....I don't get
this, John... there's something serious going on with you. I'm sorry but I'm
not willing to walk away and let it go..."
"Marlena.. whatever happens.... you
just promise me... you'll try...to work things out with Brady.. and give him
the kind of guidance I could never seem to give him. I uh... I've made sure
that you'll get a huge settlement, Doc.... you'll never go without anything you
want. If it's not enough, you just talk to Mickey... he'll do whatever you need
him to do."
His tone was so final that it terrified
her and she wondered if this were his way of telling her goodbye. "John,
you're scaring me... you're really scaring me. What are you saying here?"
"I'm saying... I'm going to jail...
and Brady is going to need someone to watch out for him. I know you'll be there
for Belle, but he needs you too."
"Brady.... it's always about...
Brady!" she hissed, taking a step toward the gates that would let her out
of the holding area. And then it hit her what he was not telling her. She
whirled around to face him and shared her surprised conclusion, "Oh,
John.... that's it, isn't it? He was the one.... it was *Brady* who was
driving, wasn't it? Oh my God, why didn't I see it before..."
Stricken, he did his level best not to
make any outward emotional reaction to her assertion. Other than a bead or two
of sweat appearing on his forehead and raising his voice as he pointed to
himself, John believed he was successful, "You've got it all wrong, Marlena. I was the one! I killed those
people, Marlena.... your husband is a *murderer* and you have to face it!"
There was no question... she could see
it in his slightly hidden eyes, his face, his body... John was lying. "No
you didn't.. but you sure did have me fooled... and Abe, Bo, Roman... the
prosecutor... everybody was more than willing to believe that you were
responsible. You were stone drunk, and you were in the driver's seat with a
nasty bump on your head. And because of our anger, we were prepared to let you
suffer the consequences without thinking twice about it, without even
considering that there could be someone else involved."
Again he shook his head and stepped
toward the lonely cot, hoping to convince her she was wrong, "Think what
you want, but the evidence proves it was me.... It's just like you said... I
was drunk. I was out of control and I wasn't listening to anybody that night.
Marlena, you can't stop this... just like you can't undo the damage Dimera did
to my head... ya can't fix what's... broken inside of me, Doc... nobody can.
So, why don't you stop questioning it and just... take this chance to walk
away?"
She was emphatic in her opposing
response to his fatalism, "Well, maybe that's true and maybe it's not...
but I won't let you give up... do you hear me, John Black.. I will NOT let you
do this!"
He sounded increasingly desperate and it
touched her to hear him beseech her to go along. "Marlena please... I
failed him....I wasn't.. the father he needed me to be... the father I promised
Isabella that I would be...to him... please, Marlena.. just let me do this one
thing....and then maybe... he won't spend the rest of his life.. hating
me."
"Oh, John... honey.... you know
this isn't the way... to make him believe that you care... "
A strange voice interrupted them,
"I'm sorry, Ma'am... but you're going to have to leave now.... I have to get the prisoners ready for bed
checks.... "
Breathing a sigh of relief, John tried
to end the conversation, "Goodbye, Doc.... you just send those papers
over.... I'll sign em."
Refusing to bend to his will, she
stepped up to the bars once more and expressed her true feelings, not bothering
to hide the tears that were welling up and trickling down her cheeks, "No,
John.... if you won't fight for yourself, I'm going to fight *for* you. God
only knows why but I still.... love you.. " As she continued, she found
herself shaking with fear and the power of the love she'd been denying,
"If you're willing to... sacrifice yourself... for Brady... for me and Belle...
then I know... that along with the mercenary... the man I... love....with all
my...heart... is still there. He's there inside of you.... and I'm going to
*fight* for that man... "
John kept shaking his head. Taking her
hands, he made one last attempt to make her understand the reality he had come
to accept. His voice wavered and his lips trembled as he gazed at her with the
most heroic and loving expression she had ever seen appear on his handsome
face. "Doc... oh, Doc.... I love
you too.... and I'm SO sorry.... for everything... but I'm telling you... I
can't.. control him! And when he comes back out... you'll only get hurt again.
Please, Marlena... think about it... if you just let this happen.. all that
pain...all that suffering I put you through.... it'll be in the past... and
then you and the kids can move on with your lives... Let me give you this one
last gift... your freedom!"
With his eyes awash in tears born of
guilt and sorrow, John was pleading with her to let him go, and it made her
ache for him, for *his* suffering. And she realized, perhaps for the first
time, what a tremendous struggle it must have been to maintain any kind of
sanity with the mercenary fighting for control. All those months he was afraid
to admit that the man from his past had come back to haunt him, and now he was
telling her honestly that he knew he couldn't stop that man from exerting his
influence. Marlena was shaking her head, her heart torn apart with the tension
that knowledge created. Suddenly, she turned away and rushed down the hall,
confused by the turn of events, no longer certain about any of the decisions
she thought she had made where John Black was concerned.
Sandra H. Bondelier
2001-2004