After the Fall

Chapter Three

Chaos of the Heart and Mind

John Black stood with his hands tightly wrapped around the bars of his cell, watching as the woman he loved rushed off in tears, and wishing things could be different. He loved her way deep in his soul, and sometimes letting someone go was the best way to demonstrate that kind of love. It certainly seemed so in this situation.

All he had done for well over a year now was cause her pain, lying to her, being almost totally insensitive to her feelings at times, knocking her down with harsh criticisms and biting remarks that wounded her to the core. John now realized that most of it had been the work of the mercenary, but somehow that didn't matter. The words came out of *his* mouth and he didn't think the two of them could ever get past the damage resulting from his behavior, regardless of the source. Therefore, no matter how much it hurt him to think of spending the rest of his life without her, John believed that it was time to cut the ties between them so that she could make a fresh start, maybe with Roman Brady.

He'd heard that the two of them were growing closer again over the past few months. A very recent conversation with his friend Abe came to mind, in which he had said, "Maybe that's the way it's supposed to be.... maybe he's what she needs...."

His own voice contradicted that idea, 'No...no, John....you know that's not right! She loves you.... she still loves you....or she wouldn't have run away in tears just now.... hang on to that.....'

'Why... even if it's true....it'll never work..... I just keep.... hurting her. It's time to end it.... she deserves better than to have to deal with a man who goes through such drastic personality changes. I won't keep putting her through that.'

When he heard the outer door clang shut, John dropped to his knees by the lonely bed. Engaging in silent prayer, he folded his hands together and bowed his head, reverently seeking God's divine healing for all the people he loved, hoping that his plans for atonement would be enough.

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As she raced down the seemingly endless staircase that led to the outdoors, Marlena couldn't stop the tears from falling. A myriad of turbulent emotions swirled around inside her, wreaking havoc like a hurricane dancing along a delicate coastline..... stirring up the pain as well as the feelings of love she thought she'd buried deep inside her heart. 'Oh, John... you confuse me so.... I thought that it was over months ago....even longer.. and now I find out... all that time.... you were fighting for your survival and I didn't even know it. It was the mercenary who hurt me, not you, John.'

She remembered the day he revealed what had happened between himself and Hope. "I know it hurts you to be reminded but sometimes.. I'm two different people," he had said. 'Two different people... If it were true, it certainly explained the Jekyll and Hyde personality changes and erratic behavior she'd seen over the past couple of years. And more recently, maybe it wasn't just the alcohol... or was the alcohol some way to mask it... an attempt to cope with the tremendous internal unrest?

'Oh John, how could I have missed it? How could I believe that you would intentionally hurt me the way you...' She stopped mid-sentence and corrected herself. "no.... the way *He* did...'

Looking back over the past few years, Marlena had to admit she had seen many changes in his personality, in his behavior, some subtle, some rather glaring. It started well before they were married, changes she wanted to ignore almost as much as he tried to avoid dealing with the meaning of each incident as it occurred. There were vivid flashbacks, some of them violent and other signs of his struggle with the mercenary persona, such as those periods of cold insensitivity, the episodes of blazing anger that erupted out of nowhere and the contrasting periods of brooding quiescence, and his growing inability to tolerate frustration. Why had she never pushed the issue with him...tried to get him to do something about it? Whatever attempts she did make to delve into his psyche, he casually deflected and she allowed him to distract her with gifts and romance. Instead of dealing with what was happening, they symbolically danced around the fire until they got burned. As a result, the marriage was in a shambles and John was facing a long prison sentence for a crime he probably didn't even commit.

A friendly caring voice interrupted her silent but anxious contemplation, "Marlena... hey wait up.... are you alright?"

Surprised to see her friend Maggie, she jumped at the sound, but she was too upset to comment, answering the question instead, "No... no, Maggie I'm not alright.... I'm...confused, I'm just so... confused right now!" she cried, swiping at the tears with her outstretched fingertips.

Making a guess about what, or rather who could create such intense distress, Maggie put a hand on one shoulder and said, "Why... I thought you had things all settled. I thought you asked Mickey to draw up divorce papers so you could dissolve the marriage and start over with Roman."

She was shaking her head and glancing back toward the precinct building, still not quite understanding exactly what had transpired a few minutes earlier, "So did I.... but now... I'm not so sure."

Her friend had seen the effects the man had on her heart, on her life and she hated to think he was going to draw her in and hurt her all over again. She tried to be the voice of reason as she asked about the encounter she surmised had just ended, "But Marlena... he hurt you...so much. John lied to you.... over and over again... and then when you said you needed some time.... and you asked him to.... change, he turned to alcohol. And things went from bad to worse between you. Marlena...you were so sure about this earlier. What happened just now... what did he say to you... to make you feel so mixed up?"

Her face bore an expression only a man could put there and then she let out an exasperated sigh, "It's more about what he didn't say, Maggie... "

That was perplexing and she said so, "Marlena... I want to support you here... but you're confusing *me* now. Why don't you tell me exactly what happened?"

Maggie guided them toward one of the benches in front of the courthouse next door, and Marlena started talking immediately. "I went to see him.... to tell him I'd been asked to testify."

"And?"

"And, at first he was angry... and tried to send me away.... and then he was hurt.... it seemed like he wanted me to tell me I still loved him... and then he started to act very strangely."

"That first part seems pretty typical... so what was it he did that was so strange?"

"He changed his tune.... said he wanted to let me go, that I should cut my ties to him and just leave the trial alone... to stay out of it."

"What did you think he meant by all that?"

"Well... I could see from looking at him that he wasn't telling me everything... that he was hiding something. Maggie, I think there was someone else with him the night of the accident... someone he's been protecting all this time."

"Who?"

"Brady.... I think Brady was driving the Jeep that night and John decided that what was best for everyone was for him to take the blame."

It was an 'Aha' experience if ever there were one. Maggie Horton nodded to indicate her enlightenment, "Of course.... that makes perfect sense.... John still wants to punish himself and he's found a foolproof way to do it, getting sent to prison."

"Yes, I think John believes that if he goes off to jail and just.... disappears from our lives, we'll all be better off. He's so down on himself Maggie... I asked him why he went back to Stefano. You'll never guess what he said."

"What?" she asked, afraid to know and yet dying of curiosity.

"He said he figured that eventually he would be killed; he thought that if he were out of our lives permanently, we would all be able to move on."

"Oh, Marlena.... that's terrible.... it's so sad."

"Yes it is... but there's more to it... Maggie, he as much as admitted that the 'Mercenary' has been fighting for control all this time and that he knows he's losing the battle. John said that he can't control "Him" and he wants to let me go. He says he'll sign the divorce papers now... because he wants to give me my freedom."

"Doesn't he want help?"

"No... he thinks he's beyond it. He thinks that the damage Stefano has done to his brain is irreversible and therefore it's best for everyone he loves if he's locked away in prison. Oh, Maggie... from the way he was talking.. I think he expects to die there."

Maggie took her friend's hands and empathized, "Oh, Marlena... no wonder you're so upset. You really want to help him, don't you? And you still..."

The tears started to fall again as she stood tall, having finally said it out loud to another person, "Yes.... I do and God help me... I still love him, Maggie... I love him so..... I've been denying it all these months.. holding on to the anger about his betrayal... but it's especially true now that I know it was probably the mercenary who caused most of the pain we all suffered, and that the mercenary was... hurting my John.... at the same time."

"But how can you help him when he's pushing you away? What are you going to do, Marlena?" Maggie asked, as she rose to join her friend.

After a moment's pause, she answered confidently, pleased to have a plan in mind. "I'm going to look up some of my colleagues; maybe bring in an independent psychiatric evaluator, someone who can help me prove that even if John was driving the Jeep, he wasn't completely responsible for what happened."

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It was very late at night when Roman Brady finally made it down to the holding cell at the Salem Precinct. What he found when he got there was alarming. John was curled up on the cot in a nearly fetal position, cradling his head between his hands, his body rocking slightly forward and back, forward and back. What's more, John was muttering to himself. Roman knew that he only got bits and pieces of it, but what he heard was enough to alert him to a possibility he'd never fully considered.

"Shut up... just shut up! Stop.... please somebody make it stop! Oh, why won't you leave me alone! You've won... you've stolen my life from me, you bastard....now just leave me alone!"

Stepping up close to the bars, Roman spoke softly so as not alarm the man, "John.... hey... John... it's Roman...are you okay?"

The man startled and tried to pass it off as meaningless, but his body was trembling as if from the internal tension of the battle. "Oh... Roman... you uh... surprised me. I was... just....dreaming....yea, I was.. having a... nightmare... "

"No you weren't. John... it's much more than that.... why don't you tell me about it...."

Sitting up, he just shook his head and looked down toward the floor, his head still in his hands as another killer headache took a stronghold. "John... it's the mercenary, isn't it? That's who you were talking to just now...."

"No.. really, it was just a bad dream... I.. uh... don't do so well with being locked up... that's all it is. I was...having a nightmare about Aremid... about the gas chamber.... Stefano was there....releasing the gas." He shut his eyes and summoned the emotions involved when he thought he was going to die. When he opened them and looked up, the pain behind the blue was genuine.

Roman looked closely and then shook him off, "Nice try.... I might have believed you if I hadn't heard what you were saying, John. There's a lot more going on inside that head of yours than you've told all of us, isn't there?"

Their eyes met and the gaze was steady, Roman reading John and John guessing about the other man's conclusions. He didn't bother with another lie, Roman knew, and it was only a matter of time before others did. This was his best shot at turning the situation in the direction it had to go. "So... what are you... going to do?" he asked nervously, knowing the answer before it was given. Roman would likely call the one person John didn't want involved in his mess.

"I'm going to call Marlena.... have her come to see you again..."

Knowing it was coming didn't help. Practically leaping off the cot, John was at the bars in seconds, speaking animatedly, hoping the man would listen and honor his plea, "NO!! Please don't tell her, Roman... this is the only way to keep her safe. You know it is..."

The man was in a state of sheer panic. She would try to help him... why wouldn't he want that? "The only way to keep her safe... John, are you saying... you're in here so you can... protect Marlena?"

He nodded and answered with a sense of quiet determination to stand alone, "Yes.. if I'm locked up, then I can't hurt her anymore. Please if you care about her as much as I think you do... you won't tell her what you saw here tonight... what you heard... "

"You mean.... if you're in jail, HE can't hurt her?"

John sighed mournfully, growing weary of the struggle to hide his internal strife, "Yea... I mean...no, I mean....I don't know... I just... don't want her to be hurt anymore than she already has been, Roman, not because of me."

The suffering was palpable, clearly visible in the prisoner's dim tortured eyes and for the first time in years, Roman felt true empathy for the man. "John.... listen to me.... Stefano created the mercenary. That... bastard brainwashed you, turned you into another person and forced you to do his bidding. John, if you're.... at war inside yourself.... there's nothing to be ashamed of... you're not to blame for his existence or his....acts of violence."

John fired back in self reproach, "Maybe... but I should have told her what was happening to me... a long time ago.. I should have told her!"

"Yes, you should have, John... but that doesn't make everything that's happened your fault....John, maybe she can help you.."

Shaking his head, John denied the possibility, "No...no one can help me now, Roman.... it's too late; he's just too strong... I can't....fight him off anymore." He was exhausted and a part of him wanted to let go.... to just... fall into the darkness, wherever it led.

Seeing an utterly demoralized broken spirit he'd never seen inside this man's blue eyes, Roman challenged him, "Yes you can, John.... yes you can, if you let people help you, you can win this war! Or don't you love her enough to even try?"

Near tears, John found it hard to speak, "You know I do..... but I'm so.... tired, Roman.... I'm so damn tired of fighting....every day...it's so hard." He didn't say the rest of what was running through his mind. No one could know all that, no one would understand it anyway. 'I tried to make the voices go away...and the headaches... that's why I was drinking.. to make him go away... and then it just got... out of control... and I couldn't stop... it just made things worse... he got stronger and stronger and I didn't know what to do.... "I was alone... Marlena wouldn't even talk to me... nobody would talk to me!"

"So you went back to Dimera? After everything that had happened between you and Marlena... Bo and Hope.. because of that monster... you went back to Stefano?"

"No... HE did that.. I tried to stop him, Roman...I swear I did... but I'd been drinking.... and I couldn't.... I couldn't stop him! And then Stefano... he just..... took over somehow."

"John what are you saying?"

"Never mind....it doesn't matter now anyway. You and I both know I'm going to jail for a long time. I... killed those people and I'm going to the state penitentiary."

The man was hurting, and he wanted to convince everyone that he was guilty of that crime, but it was looking doubtful to Roman. He felt remorse over what happened, that was for certain. "No, you didn't.... it wasn't you, John...isn't that what you've been telling me here?"

"No, Roman. I was the one responsible for what happened that night and I deserve to be punished for my crimes."

"Crimes.... what else are you guilty of John?"

"More than you'll ever know..... The fact is....I hurt everyone that I've ever loved, Roman... I'm dangerous..... and they're all going to be better off without me, isn't that what you and Bo think.... what you all think?"

"For awhile, yes.....I did, but I'm starting to see things more clearly now. You want us to feel that way about you. You've given up and you're trying to make everyone else throw in the towel too. John, listen to me.... if you're battling this... mercenary or... whatever he is... if it's because of what Stefano did to you.... it's not your fault.... you don't have to take the fall... you can get help.. John, and people will be there for you...the family will support you."

This wasn't going the way he planned it and he had to quell the urge to accept the concern, the compassion the man said the others would offer, but no... he had to see this through, no matter how painful. Shaking his head, he negated the idea, "No.... it's way too late for all of that, Roman. The damage has been done and I'm the one to blame. Roman... think about it... if you just... forget you ever came down here tonight....you have a clear shot at starting over with Marlena... I'm ancient history with her... she's filing for divorce and I told her I wouldn't fight her on it... And I uh.. I heard you two were... getting closer lately...."

Roman was shaking his head too, becoming increasingly confounded. "I know that....and yes we were.....but she... oh, never mind."

"What?"

"She's confused, John... after seeing you tonight... she's not sure anymore. I thought you were playing head games, but now I understand what's going on a lot better. She cares... and she wants to help you."

It touched him to know she still loved him but he couldn't let that deter him from making things right. With a light mist of tears in his eyes, he urged the other man to take advantage of the situation, "No... Roman, you have to go to her... and you have to convince her that what you thought was true...tell her that I'm... playing mind games... tell her I'm.... lying again."

He was befuddled. Why would the man want him to do that, "John... what are you doing here?"

His voice was quavering with a multitude of emotions, but his courage was clearly evident. "I'm finally letting her go, Roman... you know that it's what's best for her.... to be free of me... to make a fresh start. If I'm out of the picture, she'll begin to move on.... Roman, all I want... is for her to be happy again, and if I thought there was a chance in hell that it could be with me... I'd take it, but I really don't think that's possible anymore." He shut his eyes and whispered his request, as a few determined tears made their way down the length of his whisker-covered cheeks. "So, you go to her... and do whatever you have to do to make her believe that letting me go is what's right for her... and the children."

John was handing him the opportunity he'd waited so long to have, the one he'd dreamed of, wished, hoped and prayed about, for years. So why didn't he want to take it? All he had to do was turn and walk away, and then carry on as if this conversation had never taken place. Why didn't he take off at a sprint to see Marlena? And why in God's name did he have this instinctive reaction of wanting to help his rival beat that bastard Stefano Dimera? "I don't know, John... " he said shaking his head in uncertainty, hating the uneasiness this interaction was stimulating inside him. It was so much simpler to hate the man, to blindly condemn him for his actions. He'd half convinced himself he was the white knight saving the fair maiden from the treachery and the threat of danger posed by the black knight, who had only been pretending to care for her, and now....

Now he had compassion and empathy for the profound mental and emotional struggle the other man was enduring.

Cutting to the heart of the matter, John asked the man on the outside of the bars point blank, "You love her, don't you, Roman.... tell me the truth... you're still in love with Marlena, aren't you?"

Again their eyes met, exchanging volumes unspoken about a love that would never truly die. One could not fall in love with a woman so incredible as Marlena Evans and ever really get 'over' her. Loving her was a forever proposition. Finally, after nodding his head and letting go of a tremendous sigh of relief to be admitting it to this man who shared that kindred bond, Roman answered the question with only one word, "Yes."

Taking a deep breath, John steeled himself and did what had to be done, he pushed his rival to take advantage of the opening he'd been given, "Then go.... right now, don't stop to think about it, Roman... just go to her. Make her see things clearly. She'll listen to you...."

Roman Brady nodded and slowly moved away from the holding cell, his heart and mind in utter chaos. It was so tempting to do as John suggested, to leave and never reveal what had just taken place. He could go see Marlena, convince her that John was telling her more lies, and soon she would be back in his arms again, maybe for good. It was expedient and possibly even what was best for her in the long run. But was it right? Even if the man was pleading with him to go along, could he simply turn his back, look the other way and let John be sent to prison for something he wasn't ultimately responsible for doing?

On to Chapter Four

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Sandra H. Bondelier

200-2004