Confirmation
Chapter Five
The church was sparkling clean and
festively decorated for Christmas. Fresh flowers on every flat surface, creamy
white Orchids and bright red Poinsettias. Candles of red, green, gold, and
white everywhere the eye could see. Their flickering flames cast a soft glow
about the sanctuary as the occupants took great pleasure in seeing a happy
couple preparing to spend the rest of their lives together.
The groom was beaming as he took the
hands of his bride and spoke from his heart, "Marlena Evans, you are the
most beautiful woman I have ever known, in every sense of the word, inside and
out. And I love you, I never stopped loving you. That's no secret and somehow I
knew that one day we'd be standing here again, ready to exchange wedding vows.
You are the only woman I have ever loved with all of my heart and all of my
soul."
She smiled through her joyful tears, touched
by his sentiments, "Oh, Roman.... thank you....I love you too... and
you're right, we were meant to be together. I'm so sorry for all of the
mistakes I've made and the years we missed. You've forgiven me for hurting you
and you've been such a wonderful friend to me all these years. And now, we're
going to be husband and wife again. I'm so happy!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The banging sounds made by the metal
doors jarred the dreamer out of his troublesome slumber. "No...
no...." It took him a minute to realize where he was and what was
happening. His heart was pounding and his forehead beaded with sweat from the
rush of adrenaline fueled by his reaction to the content. Reality smacked him
in the face as his eyes settled on the concrete walls and the bars standing
between himself and the rest of the world. Laboring to sit up, his aching back
making it difficult, the prisoner performed a mental review of what he'd just
seen inside his mind, somehow not realizing he was saying it out loud,
"That was just a dream, but sooner or later, it's going to happen for
real, John. Might as well get used to the idea. It's over, you've lost her, and
eventually she's going to become Mrs. Roman Brady again."
"One would think *She* might have
something to say about that."
John jumped at the sound of her voice,
nearly falling off the poor excuse for a bed. He was positively shocked to see
her standing outside his cell first thing in the morning and his flustered
reaction was completely natural, "Woah, Marlena...what are you...doing
here?"
She wasted no time in getting to the
point of her early visit, "How could you do it, John?"
"Do what, kill that family?"
he said, being purposely evasive, not looking at her.
"You know perfectly well what I
meant John, now why don't you stop playing games and answer my question?"
He sat up, still not meeting her gaze,
even though it felt as if she were looking right through him, "I don't
know what you're talking about, Marlena.... "
"Stop it, just stop it, John! Roman
came to see me last night. He told me everything."
Trying to sound like the jilted lover,
he looked up and said, "He did.... well, then I suppose you came here to
tell me that it's over, just like I was saying. The two of you are getting back
together."
"No... I mean he told me
*everything,* John... what he saw when he came down here last night, what he
heard you saying, what he thought it meant."
"Oh...." He closed his eyes
and then looked away. 'Got to give the
guy points for honesty. Damn, should have known he'd take the honorable path
this time around.'
"Why didn't you tell me?"
His response was barely audible,
"I've been.. trying.... nobody was
listening."
She nodded. "I'm sorry... I was so
hurt, so angry with you, that I... pushed you away and turned a blind eye, and
a deaf ear. "
"I know.... I'm sorry too, for all
the pain I've caused you...." He stopped talking for a second, thinking
again that he should force her to let go. It was harder now that she knew, but
it was what had to be done. Only problem was, it would be even tougher to
convince her; he recognized the look in her eye and the expression on her
beautiful face. The woman he loved was swiftly becoming the determined and
compassionate psychiatrist ready to help a patient face his demons. "You can
still walk away, Doc.. just turn your back, right here, right now.. and you'll
be free of me."
Shaking her head, she negated that
suggestion, "No, I am *not* going to turn my back and walk away from you,
John. Because I love you."
He stood up and met her gaze squarely
and then gave it his best shot, passionately telling the truth as he saw it,
"Loving me has cost you *far* too much, Doc...You've let your heart rule
where I'm concerned and it's caused you nothing but pain and suffering. For
once, Marlena, do what your head is telling you to do. Leave me here, let
justice run its course and I'll be gone. Then you and the kids can start a new
life."
Grasping the bars tightly between her
hands she denied him, again shaking her head as she spoke vehemently,
"No... no, NO, I will not do that! You can not make me leave.... I know
that you're confused and...frightened... and you think that your being locked
away is what's best for me... but I'm here to tell you that you're wrong,
John..."
Sighing wearily, he continued to fight
what he knew would be a losing battle to get her to give up on him, "It IS
what's best, whether you see that or not! It's the only way I can be sure that
you'll be safe. I can't let him hurt you anymore."
"Talk to me, please, John... talk
to me."
He stared at her, longing to turn back
time, to make their lives take different curves so that they wouldn't ever come
to this breaking point. That gorgeous face, and those captivating hazel eyes
were filled with loving concern he knew he couldn't accept, because in the end,
he would only break her heart. "What do you want me to say, Doc?"
"I want you to tell me what's going
on inside *your* head, John. Tell me about the voices."
She was watching him closely to monitor
his reaction. He shut his eyes tight and almost fell backward onto the cot that
had been his bed for two nights running. Bail had been denied and today was the
day he would be transferred to the county facility while awaiting trial. He
didn't reply and he was sitting so still that it worried her. Marlena could
almost hear the wheels of his mind turning. John believed that if he could make
her leave now, she probably wouldn't visit him there. "John... don't you
even try to lie to me... and don't think that you can send me away with some....
angry outburst. I'm telling you right now that it won't work. I *love* you and
I am *not* leaving you to face this alone."
Suddenly, he was trembling and she could
hear his breathing change. It sounded like he was crying. "Honey... look
at me." His head was down, held in his hands, and he continued to quietly
weep, but said nothing.
Marlena rushed out to get one of the
guards, pleading with him to let her into the cell. Abe came along at just the
right moment and seeing how distraught she was, allowed her and his friend this
one special favor. It was the least he could do.
Barely able to control her own emotions
as she waited for the guard to open the door, she raced to him, kneeling down
in front of him. Waiting for a moment or two before saying anything, she placed
her hands on his shoulders, then slowly moved them to cover his hands, gently
nudging him to take them away from his face. "John.... baby, please look
at me. I want to see you."
At last, he did as she requested, his
blue eyes flooded with tears, his face displaying a myriad of emotions she
wasn't sure she could read. "John, why are you crying?"
His lips quivered and his voice was soft
and low, thick with the confusion and conflict he was experiencing,
"Because I don't....deserve you, Marlena. I've hurt you *so* badly... and
I don't understand... why you would... want to... help me.... how you can
still.... love me."
Gently taking his hands in hers, she
began to weep right along with him, for his pain as well as her own,
understanding all of it better than she had thought possible before this
moment. "Oh, John.... yes you do, honey... you are so good, so loving, so
kind and caring. I should have realized that it wasn't you.... I should have
known all along that the mercenary was influencing you to a much greater extent
than we all thought. I should have believed in *you,* the man I know as well as
I know myself, the man I love with all my heart."
He swiped at the tears with the backs of
his hands, wanting to explain it, grateful that she even cared. "I tried,
Doc... I tried to fight him... I swear I did... and I wanted to...tell you... a
long time ago, but I was just so.... afraid that I would lose you."
Shaking his head, he made a confession, as a truth came to him, "And... I
was too damn stubborn to admit it myself... to admit it to you. And then all of
a sudden... I didn't have control anymore, Doc."
"I know, I know you did, honey....
Looking back.. I realize there were many times that you were trying so hard to
face it and talk to me about it. Like at the restaurant when you said you
didn't know why you kept arguing with me when you didn't want to... and then
when you were at the jail, fighting with Roman... I saw you come out of some
sort of a trance like state... My God, I should have made you face it....
should have let myself face what was happening. But, instead of helping you, I
let my anger and my irrational fear for Belle overshadow my concern for
you."
"It's okay.... "
"No, honey, it's not okay. It's
what I do for a living. The truth is I've realized for quite some time that
something was horribly wrong, even since the trip to Paris, and that you needed
help, but I did nothing. I tried to convince myself that it was something you
could work through on your own...that it was temporary and fleeting....and it
would be okay. But I knew better, John... I *knew* better."
It was just like her to blame herself...
With the pads of his thumbs, he wiped away some of her escaping tears and took
it on himself, "No... it's not your fault, Marlena... none of this is your
fault. Not even what happened with Brady. I was the one to blame for all of it.
God, I was so... cruel to you. "
They'd been down this rough road before
and it led to nothing but more damage to the foundations of their relationship.
"You know what, John... I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to
assign blame and figure out exactly who did what to whom and when.... that's
not important right now. What's important is you, and what's happening inside
of you. I love you, and I want to help."
"I love you too, Doc... so
much."
"I know you do, baby....."
There was a long period of silence,
neither one knowing what else to say. She cupped his rugged, stubble covered
cheeks between her hands and gazed into moist blue pools of blue. "Please,
honey.. it's nothing to be ashamed of.... needing help."
He nodded but still said nothing. This
wasn't how it should be going down. He was supposed to send her away, but he
had no strength left. The tears started to fall again, dropping one by one on
his flushed red cheeks, as he faced the fact that he needed her too much to do
what he believed was right for her.
"Honey, what is it now...."
"I had this all planned, Doc. I
thought that if you... came back here, I could....make you....hate me, that I
would... say something horrible to get you to leave.... because I really
believed that letting me go was what was best for you. But I can't.... do it...
I....need you, Doc... I need you so much!"
Leaning over, she took him in her arms and
held on tight, realizing that she needed him as much as he needed her. Her tear
choked breath catching in her throat she told him as much, "I know..... I
know you do and I feel the same way, John. I've missed you so....."
He was shaking his head, filled with
remorse for all his mistakes, "I'm sorry for that too.... Oh, I should
have...."
"Honey... stop... it's alright, I
understand now."
He drew back, holding her at arm's
length, "Do you? Because I sure as hell don't! I don't understand *any* of
this, Marlena.... The words that came out of my mouth.... God, and the things I
did..." He was shaking his head again, lost in thought. And then he looked
at her as if his very survival depended on her believing what he was about to
tell her. "I would be... standing
there... talking to you... and it was like.. I was.. outside of my body... just
watching myself... hurting you... hurting *so* many people... but I couldn't DO
anything to stop him! How is that even possible, Doc?"
"I don't know, John... I don't
know.. but we'll never find out if you hide yourself away... if you keep drinking.
You'll kill yourself."
His eyes filled with tears as the images
forced themselves to the surface... the screeching of tires, the smell of
blood, and terrified cries for help he couldn't give echoing inside his
tortured mind. "Or someone else....it's too late, Doc... I already
did...."
"No, no you didn't, John... and you
*know* that, don't you? You weren't responsible for what happened, were
you?"
"I don't even know.... I
can't....separate it all out in my mind anymore. My head is such a mess, Doc...
my *life* is such a mess!" Talking
about it reminded him of just how desperate his situation was.
The change in his demeanor was abrupt.
He pulled away from her and stood up, leaning his back against the interior
wall of his jail cell, his arms crossed in front of him. "Look, I'm really
tired.. and I want to catch a little more sleep. They'll be coming to get me
pretty soon...to uh... take me over to the county jail. Because of everything
that's happened, they have to put me in... shackles and chains, and I don't...
want you here to see that, so... you should go. "
It made her cry to think of him being
restrained that way... and she didn't want to see it, but she had to let him
know, to make him accept the fact that she was not going to abandon him.
"No... I'm not going anywhere. No matter what you do or say to me now, I
know the truth. I know that all those things you said and did this past year,
all those things that hurt people and confused them... it wasn't you, John. It
was the mercenary Stefano created...he took over and *He* hurt all of us,
including you."
Suddenly, he was angry, his frustration
flaring as he thought about what was ahead for him, and for her if she stayed.
Moving back and forth across the length of the cell, he spelled it out for her,
his increasing agitation clearly discernible, "Don't you GET it, Marlena?
It doesn't matter! I'm going to prison for killing that family. I was
angry...out of control... I got drunk, I lost control of the Jeep, and I killed
two children and their parents, Doc! And there's no jury in the world that
would believe this crazy story we're laying out. Stefano's been pardoned of all
his crimes, he didn't hold me hostage to make me do those things. Face the facts, Marlena, no matter what we
believe *might* have happened, there's no evidence to back it up. Dimera made
sure of that! I'm going down, Doc... and there's nothing you, or anyone else
can do to save me! Dammit, just cut your losses and walk away!"
"You're wrong, John! It *does*
matter. I know you weren't responsible for what happened, and I'm going to
prove it!"
"How, Doc... how can you help
me?" he asked, cognizant that in the act of asking the question, he was
allowing himself a tiny glimmer of hope. And he had learned long many years ago
from the Master of his fate, that hope was his enemy; it was the very thing
which would destroy him.
"You'll see, it's better if you
don't know what I have planned. Guard... I'm ready to leave now."
Seconds later he was watching as the
metal door clanged shut behind her, leaving them separated again. With tears in
their eyes, they held hands and said goodbye. "John, you listen to me....
please don't lose faith.... I *will* find a way to help you, I promise you that
much."
He sighed with a strange sense of relief.
John was resigned to her involvement and it pleased him to gaze into the eyes
of the woman he loved and see the fierce look of commitment to his cause.
"You don't ever give up, do you, Doc?"
Shaking her head, she squeezed his right
hand and said, "Don't you know me well enough by now, to realize that once
I have my mind set on something, there's just no changing it?"
" I guess I should...."
"Yes, you should... now, I will
come to see you very soon... I love you, very much."
"And I love you... I suppose this
means the divorce is off ?"
"Yes.... I believe it does at
that.... "
John flashed her a trademark playful
grin, coupled with a wink, and said while running the back of his hand across
his forehead, "Whew, I didn't want to have to give up the tennis courts
and the riding stables... that'd be a real bummer."
She laughed and said while shaking her
head in wonder at his ability to joke in the face of such difficult
circumstances, "You... are incorrigible, John Black.... but then again, I
think we both knew that already."
"Yep... can't say I didn't warn
you."
"Gee, now where have I heard *that*
before?" She smiled at him but didn't give him time to answer. It seemed
as though it was several lifetimes ago. Incredibly, those days were relatively
simple by comparison.
He watched her go until she was out of
his line of sight, then went back over to lie down to get a little extra rest. 'Well, John Black... you are one lucky man,
you know that?' Thankfully, it was his own voice talking to him, telling him
that everything was going to be alright eventually. When Marlena was there with
him, she made him feel like anything was possible. It was going to take a lot
of hard work, facing his demons, sifting through the pain his alter ego's
actions had caused. She would help him do all that and somehow some way, they
would be together and happy again.
Marlena believed it, why shouldn't he?
The change was rapid.
She was gone and he was lost and alone
in a desolate wilderness. It was dark and cold, and the comforting light of
hope faded away. He was left to face those demons that lurked inside him, the
fear and the doubt that crept up from somewhere deep within, enveloping his
wounded heart.
The voice of darkness returned as two
uniformed policemen came to get him. He heard it as the clinking of chains
reverberated inside his tormented mind, taking him back through his tortured
past..... 'John, John, John.. when will you ever learn? You were right to
try and make her leave, because you will never be free of me. You are my Pawn,
now and forevermore. You must face the fact that it is your destiny to be under
my control. She cannot help you, no one can.'
They were holding two pairs of iron
shackles and chains to be placed around his wrists and ankles.
The prisoner shuddered as they opened
the door and stepped inside the cell. His eyes were shut tight, his head tilted
slightly back, his trembling hands balled into fists at his sides, his
breathing uneven. The two young men assigned to prepare him for transport, approached
him warily as they glanced at each other, both of them wondering what came
next.
Sandra H. Bondelier
2000-2004