The Head And The Heart

I was trying so hard to make her believe again, to restore her faith and trust in me, but that first night, I think I only succeeded in making her tired. "Marlena, I know that I've hurt you, but....."

It was late into the night and all she said at first was, "John," at the same time as she was pointing toward the bed and the broad expanse of windows that separated us from the great outdoors.

Let us talk no more, let us go to sleep,

Let the rain fall on the window pane,

And fill the castle keep,

I am weary now, weary to my bones,

"I know... and I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, and I guess I have to admit that I am too..."

Weary from the traveling,

And the endless country roads,

That brought us here tonight, for this weekend,

I couldn't believe it but she almost smiled at me then. Almost, but the sadness never quite left her eyes, as she replied ruefully,

And a chance to work it out,

For we cannot live together, and we cannot live apart,

I nodded and basically agreed with her, "Yes,

It's the classical dilemma between the head and the heart;

Marlena said nothing more, because the phrase described exactly where we stood, lost in that age old dilemma, wondering if we'd ever find a way to resolve it, singly or collectively. She went to wash her face and brush her teeth before climbing into the master bed, making it clear with her body language that I was not to join her. Not tonight, perhaps not ever. I understood it, but I wore the pain of it on my face, wanting her to see it, if only so she'd know how deeply I cared. To erase any doubt about how much I still loved her, in spite of all the angry words that had been spoken in the heated fury of a betrayed lover's rage.

I watched her until she finally succumbed to slumber, admiring the slow and steady rise and fall of her shapely chest, and thanking the Lord above me for allowing her life to be spared. I'd come much too close to losing her in a permanent sense, as usual, all because of Dimera and his insane desire to control everyone around him.

She is sleeping now, softly in the night

And in my heart of darkness she has been the only light......

I couldn't sleep so I decided to keep watch over her as I had in the past, and my mind reviewed the chaos and insanity that has been my life. There had been so many dark times, so much pain and sadness, so much anger and confusion. I caused my fair share of it, I know that now, especially now. I realized much too late that if I had only left the past alone, left it a mystery, than maybe we wouldn't be here now, in this place of anguished uncertainty about where our lives are headed, whether the future will be spent together or apart.

If only I had stopped long enough to appreciate the one essential truth of my life. She is my light, my lifeline, my sanctuary. She has been the only light shed on a heart of darkness. Were it not for her, I would be his mercenary still today, killing for profit, perhaps even for some sick perversion of pleasure in holding the power over life and death.

I sat there, five feet away, just staring into the beauty that lay before me on the majestic Victorian era spindle bed. A bed fit for a princess in the prime of her youth. She is that and so much more, and after all these years, I still can't take my eyes off of her when we're together. My heart skips a beat when she walks into a room. I tried to hide it when we were fighting all the time, but I still get weak in the knees and I'm left bated and breathless just to look at her. She puts on an evening gown and I'm spellbound.

I am lost in love, looking at her face,

Unbidden, a host of other images suddenly assaulted my mind. Images of being with another woman and struggling in vain to fight off the effects of whatever it was the woman had done to make me feel such an unnatural physical desire. I remembered screaming in protest inside my mind, and calling out her name, 'No, no... you can't make me betray, Marlena, I won't!' Crying out to the only one I love, 'Doc...help me, Doc! I love you, I LOVE you!'

But just like every other time, in the dream as in reality, that obsessive dark haired woman I supposedly loved in another life, won out. Whatever she did to me, I lost the battle, and I....gave myself to her. No, I gave my body to her, my seed, but not my mind, nor my heart. No, that wasn't mine to give away and I held it inside, even as we lay together.

Even now, with the fact that she has borne my child, it's so unreal to me that it actually happened.

And still I hear the voice of reason,

Telling me to chase these dreams away,

I keep wishing it away, praying for it not to be true, and then I see that woman, wearing another face, a warmer gentler face--the face of a young woman I loved like a little sister, a pal, a confidante. I see her growing with child and I know that this reality is so unlike the dream, because it's never going to be over. I'll never wake up to the dawn of a fresh new day where all is right with my world. Those days are gone, left in the long distant past, and a love untarnished seems an eternity from here.

Oh here we go again, we're divided from the start,

For we cannot live together, and we cannot live apart,

On the second night, it was better in some strange way. She'd ranted and raved at my invitation. I took everything she threw at me, accepted the blame without defense, listened to every angry hurtful word she could think to say to me. When I pushed her, she hit me. Hard. She felt horrible afterward and she kept crying and apologizing for hurting me. But it wasn't even close to what I knew I deserved for the wounds I'd inflicted upon her gentle loving spirit. I just wanted her to get it all off her chest, to unburden herself, a small part of me believing that if she did, maybe she could find it in her heart to forgive me.

It was late when we were done talking. She finished off the night by offering the same sentiment that I'd expressed earlier.

It's the classical dilemma between the head and the heart,

The head and the heart;

Again, I really had nothing to offer and she must have seen something in my eye I didn't know I was broadcasting. Perhaps fear. I'm not sure what it was, but she took my hand, looked me straight in the eyes, and said, "John, I want you to understand something. I love you, that will never change, but no matter what happens from here on out, our life together will never be the same. "

I nodded and sighed with emotional exhaustion, my eyes misting over, but still had nothing much to say in response. It was true and I was to blame. I was. Not Stefano, not Hope, or Gina. Fact was, I was the one who failed to trust, who failed to believe in the strength of our love. I let her down and I let myself down. Ironically, I knew that if our marriage failed, it would be the end result of my misguided attempts to hold on to what I had.

My head was bowed, but she must have seen that too, because she touched my chin and tipped it up so I was almost looking at her. "But the heart is very powerful John, don't forget that. And a true heart knows how to forgive."

"Yes, I suppose you're right about that. So what does that mean, exactly, Marlena?" I asked her, telling myself not to hope for too much.

"It means that I've been terribly hurt, John, but so have you. It means that I love you and I don't want to turn and walk away from the life we've shared. Not without a fight."

Now the dawn begins, and still I cannot sleep,

Even on that second night, I couldn't really sleep. She invited me to share the bed with her, for sleeping purposes only, of course. Hard as I tried I couldn't handle it. Lying there next to her, as always, I had this overwhelming urge to hold her in my arms, to kiss her with fiery passion, to make love to her like it was the first time, and the last time, and the best time all rolled into one incredible package.

My head is spinning round but now the way is clear to me,

Nearing sunrise on the last day I was wide awake and watching her still, she was looking like an angel at rest. Her radiant silky hair serving as her halo, with flecks of golden light shining in the dull gray darkness of the night.

There is nothing left, nothing left to show,

I watch her as she rests in quiet solitude, seemingly peaceful and serene. There is no pain in her face, no tears in her hazel eyes. But I know that when she awakens, the sadness will return, the feelings of betrayal, the hurt, and the anger. All of that will return with the dawning of the day. And I realize.....

The jury and the judge will see, it's time to let her go,

I wasn't aware that I'd been saying anything out loud, not until I heard the sweet sounds of her voice,

Now hear the heart,

Oh, I believe that time will show,

I blinked a half dozen times, hoping to discern what was real and what was the product of my hopeful imagination. Was she truly awake and talking to me, or was I hearing in my mind what I wanted to hear, dreaming of how I wished it could be?

She will always be a part of my world,

I don't want to see her go,

So I plead my case to hear the heart,

And stay...

I cannot but hear all the voices of reason,

I hear that of a man I have loved like a father. Shawn Brady's, " John, listen to me. I know you're hurting something fierce and you want to hold onto what you had, but it's time, son....

It's time to let her go--I don't wanna let her go...

And that of my best friend, Abe Carver, "John....you've done everything you can to work things out but it's over now."

It's time to let her go - I don't wanna let her go...

And lastly, even my own, "You know you'll only hurt her again if you stay...

It's time to let her go -

I stood up as if to go, then sat back down again, somehow unable to send the messages from my brain to my body that would have me turn and walk away. The messages that would have me step out the door of this fine castle without another word and not ever come back to her.

I don't wanna let her go...

A part of me knew it was what I had to do, for her. To give her a chance at true happiness again, happiness and a kind of peace and serenity she would never know with me. I ached inside my very soul to admit that, but it was true.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sleeping Beauty watched through slits in her eyes as John stood again, apparently strengthening his resolve, believing somehow that it was best if he left her to start a new life on her own. She knew better.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Taking two steps toward the door, I whispered once again the words that had become like a mantra to me in recent weeks,

It's time to let her go...

My hand was on the doorknob, when I heard a soft sigh in the night and the calling of my name. Turning to face her, I watched her breathe and then noticed that her eyelids began to flicker again. In a few more seconds, they opened all the way to reveal hazel orbs shining with the love that endures all things. She sat up in bed looking like she sensed my turmoil, and she gazed at me in a way that told me she had made her decision.

And in that instant when hazel met blue, I finally *knew* beyond a shadow of doubt what I was to do as well, what she needed me to do for both of us.

"John, you're still here... does this mean that?" she asked, hopefully.

I smiled and felt the sparkle return to my eyes. "Yes, yes....it does. Marlena, I know it makes no sense.... or it doesn't to me anyway...

But in this classical dilemma,

I find for - the heart.

Tears sprang to her eyes. "Oh, I knew you would, John..... I knew it in *my* heart. We belong together, come what may."

I rushed to close the distance between us, silently vowing to never again let any kind of distance--physical, emotional, or spiritual--separate us from each other. Holding her tight to my chest, inhaling her sensuous aroma, and stroking her velvet soft golden hair, I repeated the phrase, "Come what may."

So, the moral to the story is......

When it comes down to a battle between the head and the heart, you'll find that if you truly love another person, and I mean love them way down deep in your soul, the heart rules.

And love wins.