Ice Melts Slowly In Winter
A
John and Marlena Alternate Reality Montage
Written by Sandra H. Bondelier
CIRCLE as written and performed by Sarah
McLachlan
Ever since that fateful New Year's
Eve, all their lives were thrown in turmoil and walls of ice erected around
their many wounded hearts. Each member of the Brady and Black families trapped
in the pain of untimely grief, lost in frustrated helpless anger, each with
their own questions that went unanswered, each with the need to talk it out,
yet unable to find the strength within. And none more than John and Marlena,
who had been round and round about so many things that were ostensibly
irrelevant. They were avoiding the inevitable, but on this cold mid-January
night it was about to come to an explosive confrontation.
There are two of us
talking in circles
And one of us who wants to leave……
There was something going on
with John… he was nervous, on edge much of the time, as if he were hiding
something, as if he were feeling guilty. Her astutely observant mind knew what
it must be, even as her heart denied the brutal truth of his infidelity.
Marlena felt trapped in her professional ethics, bound by duty, protected by
nothing, loved by a terrible liar. She was imprisoned by her pain, and the
undeniable love she still felt for that man; essentially feeling the same as if
she were under lock and key. And, she believed John was as well. 'Well, at
least he's suffering too…' she said to herself as she rose from the couch. He
was standing by the doors to the terrace, staring out into the darkness with a
dazed expression on his face, apparently lost in silent contemplation yet
again.
With a heavy sigh, she stood a
few feet away and made an announcement of sorts, "John… I don't want to do
this anymore. Something is obviously bothering you… and if you won't talk about
it, I'm just going to leave you to it… Goodnight…"
In a world created for
only us
An empty cage that has no key…
"Doc.. don’t do that… don't
walk away…" he said, turning to face her, grasping her forearm, his eyes
slightly hidden as he spoke to her in pleading tones. He couldn't bear to look
at her like he used to…the guilt was eating him alive and if he gazed deeply
into those amazing hazel eyes he so adored, she was sure to see the truth of
what he'd done.
"I'm sorry, John… but I'm
tired…I'm so tired of all of this… now, please… let go of my arm," she
demanded, staring down at the hand that could bring her such pleasure when he
touched her in tender intimacy. Now, she could barely stand to look at that
hand.. knowing, yet not knowing…he had touched another, during a time when she
thought he had perished in the sea, when she cried and began to mourn for him.
She didn't say it, but he
heard the unspoken words…as she tugged her arm away from him. 'I'm so tired of
you, John…' There was no more doubt about it… Marlena had to know… something..
maybe not the gory details, but she definitely suspected what had happened
between he and Hope… Watching her climb the stairs he heard that nagging voice
inside his head…'So, why don't you go tell her, John… you're going to lose her
if you don't, you know…'
It had to be bad if you
started answering yourself, didn't it?' he was thinking as he did just that. 'Yea…
I know… she's upset..and I could lose her… but if I tell her… it's going to
hurt her so much… I don't know….if I have the strength to look her in the eye
and tell her I betrayed her with Hope..'
Don't you know we're
working with flesh and blood
Carving out of jealousy……
Marlena was lying in bed,
pulling her robe around her chilled body.. the nights had grown colder of late,
the chill in the air symbolic of what was happening between she and her husband
of only six months. Unbelievably she found herself almost praying that he
didn't come upstairs and want to be with her sexually. The thought of it almost
made her ill… How could it have all gone so terribly wrong? Last summer they
were in heavenly bliss, craving each other, stealing away every chance they got
to make torrid love… But now, she was avoiding him and he was clinging to her
desperately, almost smothering her with his desperate passion… But, it wasn't
based on a foundation of their abiding love, John's heart and soul were ruled
by guilt and fear, and she could feel it every time he touched her.
Crawling into each other
It's smothering every little part of me…….
That little voice was becoming
more insistent, harder to ignore… 'She won't say it, but she doesn’t even
*want* you anymore, John. She goes to bed early, she gets up and goes to work
early every morning, and stays late. Face it, Marlena makes every excuse she
can *not* to be around you lately.. ' he was saying to himself, as he sighed
wearily and stared out at the starry sky above, wishing it all away… trying to
convince himself it was just a bad dream and that it never really happened. It
was a fool's game he was playing, a game he was bound to lose, if he didn't
come clean sooner or later.
As he considered his dismal
options, he heard the words of his best friend echoing inside his mind…
"Can't you see it… you're losing her already, and if you don't do
something soon, she's going to leave you alone with your guilt. Will that keep
you warm at night, John… or did you just want to take the easy way out?"
"What are you talking
about Abe?" John remembered saying in response to the only one with whom
he'd been completely honest.
"You're afraid to tell
her because you think she's going to reject you outright, and this way… you
don't have to face it … you can just let the marriage disintegrate… and wallow
in your misery."
What kind of love is
this
That keeps me hanging on
Despite everything it's doing to me
What is this love that keeps me coming back for more……
Thinking back over the years,
Marlena had to admit to herself that at times it seemed the pain he brought
into her life far outweighed the joy she felt in loving him, in giving herself
to him, body and soul. There had been a parade of women… then Roman's return…
and finally, when she thought they would have their happily ever after, that
dream had been shattered another time, by yet another aspect of John's
unremembered past. 'Oh, John… I don't know if we can make it through this… I
wish you could come to me and tell me… what's upsetting you so… I wish you
could trust in what we have… I'm afraid that if you don't, there won't be
anything left of our love to salvage when this is over….'
When it will only end in
misery….
I know too many people
Unhappy in a life from which they'd love to flee….
"Marlena… are you going
to leave him… or are you going to confront him with what you suspect… If what
you say happened, he's probably… scared and pretty confused.. You said you
believed him when he said he didn't remember anything after he was found. Maybe
it was some strange personality change like what happened to Hope. Maybe he's
not completely to blame for what happened. You have to admit… he was *so* in
love with you… I can't really believe that he would willingly betray you two
days after you were married.. and then lie about it and just go on with the
marriage as if nothing had ever happened."
Watching others get
everything offered
They're wanton for discovery…….
Thank God for the voice of
reason… Maggie Horton, a long time friend, who had seen her through some very
rough times. With her insides trembling, Marlena admitted that much, "Oh,
I know you're right… I know he wouldn't.. but he's lying to me now. I know he
is.. and I wouldn't have believed that either, Maggie… it's not like John to
keep something so important from me… Why won't he come to me? If our love is as
strong as we both say it is… we should be able to work through this..
together.. Why can't he trust in that?"
Oh my sister, my
brother, my mother
You’re losing your identity……
Next it was the voice of the
Priest… he hadn't confessed the sin, but he'd spoken of his dilemma about a
terribly burdensome secret… "John… this isn't like you… you know better
than to lie, to cover up the truth…You're running scared, afraid to face the
pain that often comes with life. Didn't you learn anything from what happened
with Kristen.. from how she died? John.. you're headed down that same path,
unless you change it, and soon. Go to your wife, tell her the truth, and take
your chances!"
Can't you see that it's
you in the window
Shining with intensity……
It was so painful to confront
it in all its bitter detail… His reflection staring back him, guilt ridden and
heartsick… He'd shared his body with another woman while on his honeymoon. It
was unthinkable… unbelievable and yet, it wasn't really him… He didn't have sex
with Hope or Gina, whoever the hell she was at the time, knowingly or
willingly. He had no idea of what he was doing and only remembered it months
later. Maybe, Abe and the Priest were right.. maybe Marlena *could* forgive
him… maybe there was some hope, if he told her the truth… before she found out
some other way, from someone else.
What kind of love is
this that keeps me hanging on
Despite everything it's doing to me
What is this love that keeps me coming back for more…..
There was a knock at the door
and John slowly padded toward the alarm, glad for a brief respite from the
excruciating self-analysis. He opened the door to see the concerned face of his
best friend, who wasted no time on trivial pleasantries, saying somewhat
animatedly, as he stepped across the threshold, "John… hey, I'm sorry to
come over here so late like this, but I thought you should know. It's about
Hope…it's just like we thought.. she's alive.. and she's on her way home to
He fell backward, totally
stunned, landing on his rear end at the base of the staircase. "Oh, God!
No…no, that can't be, Abe!" he finally managed to eek out, his voice thick
with horrified emotion.
Abe hated to be the one to
play this role… the pain his best friend was feeling tantamount to being told
by God that he had to report to hell immediately. "I'm sorry buddy, but it
is… Hope is.. several months pregnant… "
When it will only end in
misery…..
John was shaking his head in
utter disbelief, his mind spinning wildly out of control. "No… oh, God
no.." he cried out in a ragged whisper. He turned at the sound of another,
somewhat louder anguished cry, one that pierced him to the very core of his
being…
It was clear from the agony in
her face that Marlena had overheard Abe… Tears sprang to her eyes and began to
make a cascading waterfall as she realized that all her suspicions had been
true, that John did have sex with Hope during that awful time when she thought
he was dead…. She was shaking her head, her trembling hands covering her mouth,
not saying a word, as John struggled valiantly for something to say, anything
to make it not so gut wrenchingly painful to endure, but there were no words
for a time like this, for the agony she was feeling. He whispered only her
name, knowing there would be no reply, "Doc.."
What kind of love is
this that keeps me hanging on
Despite everything it's doing to me
What is this love that keeps me coming back for more…
And the lyrics he'd heard so
recently came back to haunt him… her crying eyes saying all she couldn't
express verbally. She shook her head once more and slowly turned away from the
two men, then raced up the remaining stairs, slamming the door behind her as
she reached the safe haven of her bedroom. Flinging herself on the bed, she
fell apart, sobbing uncontrollably. She said nothing out loud, but the words
echoed inside her mind.. 'It's over... it's over… it's over now…'
When it will only end in
misery…..
John slumped involuntarily
against the wall, his knees buckled and his body slid down the length of it as
if in slow motion, and when it stopped, he buried his sorry aching head in his
hands and wept. Lamenting every foolish choice he'd made since the moment he
started having memory flashes again, he let out a cry of self- reproach.
"Oh, God… what have I done?"
