A John and Marlena Montage

Written by Sandra H. Bondelier

She was sleeping in relative peace, at last. As he watched the slow and steady rhythm of her night breathing, he reached out his hand, first to smooth a stray lock of hair from her forehead, and then to feel her heartbeat, thanking his Lord that she would even let him near her. She had gone out to the cabin on Smith Island for some quiet time, and of course he went against the recommendation of everyone he respected and followed her, hoping that this would be the time he could convince her to take him back. A part of him believed it was his last chance, and that if he lost her, he would be forever lost himself.

His fingers threaded her golden silky tresses, his heart, wounded as it was, ached more for her suffering than his own. The pain he had caused her was inconceivable... but he could never lie or hide the truth from her, at least not for long. He agonized over it for two days before he told her, but he knew that he had no choice. After everything they had been through to find their way back together in love and marriage, John owed it to her to share all that he remembered, even if he did think she was holding something back herself, that didn't matter now. What mattered was that by some bizarre set of circumstances, he had betrayed their wedding vows on his honeymoon, with Hope Williams... who was dominated by the Gina persona at the time. 'Oh, Doc... I'm so sorry... I love you... only you... God, how I wish I could take it back... but I can't.. I had sex with her... '

It hurt like hell to admit it, even to himself... and telling Marlena was sheer torture... seeing the agony of betrayal cross the fine delicate features of her beautiful face, the river of tears welling up behind those incredible hazel eyes. And, hearing her cries of soul piercing anguish when he couldn't be there to comfort her was another kind of hellish nightmare in reality... his mind somehow acknowledging that if he forced the issue, his touch would only cause her more suffering. Standing out in the hallway with a door between them... a door she closed... saying she needed time... time to make sense of the insanity...time to grieve, time to cry...

There was no lock on that door, but it might as well have been a wall of concrete that separated them...for the agony it caused. And he wept for what had been stolen from her as the end result of a madman's schemes.... "I'm so sorry... and I want... Oh, I want to find some way to...work this out... I love you so much, Marlena..." His laments went unanswered... Though it wounded him deeply, John knew that he had no choice but to accept that she couldn't talk about it yet. She wasn't ready.... Would she ever be? 'Oh, Doc... will you ever be able to look at me again... Will you ever find it in your heart to forgive me for what I've done?' he asked the air around him, cognizant that there would be no answers and no comforting replies that first night...

He remembered that night so vividly... how he'd slipped into the bedroom in the middle of the night, just to see her... to know that she was alright. After watching her awhile, John rose from her bedside to stand out on the terrace, feeling the chill all the way to his bones... He shook his head trying to banish what was beyond incomprehensible to him. But there was no escaping the shocking images of wild sex that assaulted him, causing his head to throb with sharp pain, each visual making him shudder.. feeling sick to his stomach as the sense of violation washed over him. 'No... No... I didn't want her... I didn't want that life back... I only want you Doc... that's all I ever wanted... is to be with you... How could this have happened? And why did I have to remember it... Did I do the right thing in telling her... is that what she would have wanted me to do.. Desperate for hope, he turned to the heavens, looking skyward as he stood peering out at the bitter cold winter rain.. . thinking how fitting it was... No crisp clean white snow to cover the darkness that lay deep beneath the surface... "Oh, God... please don't let this be the end of us... I can't live without her... you've always known that... Show me the way, God... guide me back into her heart again... "

As his mind reviewed their convoluted history.. it took him back in time to the beginning. Those images were there in his mind too.... The man he was then had no identity... it had been stripped away, by whom and for what purpose he did not know at the time. She was the one who tried to help, who reached out in the midst of her own grief and loss to touch the hand of a fellow sufferer, intuitively sensing that he was in great emotional turmoil and therefore in need of friendship and support. After all she had done to help him find out the answers to a multitude of questions.. he hurt her and lived to regret it very much, dragged her into the godforsaken wilderness of West Virginia... even slapped her in anger. She cowered away from him in fear... and that was the last thing he ever would have wanted before that fateful moment when she'd seen that damn tattoo of the Phoenix on his right shoulder and called Bo Brady for help. That was the unforeseen turning point when friends turned into strangers, even enemies, the moment when the affable amnesiac suddenly became the hated and feared Stefano Dimera, the evil monster who had killed her beloved husband.

One night in particular was forever etched in his memory... They were in a cave and it was so dark and cold. It was in some ways similar to their current reality....Sitting down in the chair next to the bed, he closed his eyes and it all came back to him....They were only inches apart but it felt like an unbridgeable distance that existed between them.... separated by a fortress of ice.... John recalled with amazing detail, what he was thinking, what he was feeling.....as he laid there in the silent chill of the long lonely night, wishing some miracle would happen and make everything alright. Wishing that with the morning light there would come an uncommon warmth to thaw the ice barrier that hideous symbol of evil had created. 'God, how beautiful she was... even with her face dirty, cut and bruised as it was...Her hair was like spun gold, her eyes like a precious gemstones, her voice soft and seductive or strong and commanding when the need arose. He had known both her compassion and her fierce commitment to things she believed in, and even her fiery anger upon occasion. They'd become good friends... and she had helped him when he was so lost and all alone, living with such uncertainty and fear.

But now, they were mortal enemies, or she thought they should be. It was the last thing he wanted... but he knew in his soul that he could never have with her what he most wanted. He didn't deserve her... John Black, considering that he actually might be Stefano Dimera... a man who caused her so much pain.... gazed at her lying there sleeping, wishing with all his might that he could tell her how he really felt, his soul crying out to some sought after higher power, wishing against all logic that by some act of a benevolent god she would one day feel the same way about him. Threading her hair with his fingers and then tracing the outline of her jaw with his right forefinger, he spoke in whispers the words he could never say, 'Oh, pretty lady....

As Marlena laid there in the quiet of the night, feeling the chill of winter, though she was safe and warm and dry on this Eve of the New Millenium, she too remembered some of the twists and turns of their long journey.... There was a time when their passions ruled them, mind, body, heart and soul. A time when all they could see was each other, their bodies merging in sheer ecstasy, bringing pleasure such as they had never known before...

There was a car ride that followed soon after a stormy night of lovemaking... She was in serious denial, but he was brutally honest about his feelings, his intensity frightening in its power over her. "But I will tell you this much. Not a day will go by in my life that I won't spend thinking about you... or wanting you."

I want you to need me, need me
Like I need you....

"John..." she said in protest, hiding the effect of his passionate words, and the smoldering atmosphere of heated desire that pervaded the Jeep that night.

John was so bold, so brazen... and he wanted her badly... "The memory of making love to you is just burned into my brain... I won't forget it. And I'll never stop wanting to make love to you." The intensity of his gaze was too much to bear, his desire for her so palpable she found herself breathless...

Marlena pleaded with him, "Please don't do this to me." She was desperate too... knowing in her heart that she could only fight her impulses for so long, could only lie to herself for short periods... He was tearing down her thin veil of pretense...his determined blue eyes peering into the very depths of her soul. She shuddered internally and knew that if he so much as touched her on the sleeve of her dress she would be lost in the aching sensation of needing him, of wanting him so...

Another encounter shortly after that epitomized what they felt for each other. Standing next to each other in Carrie's apartment... she was trying to back him off and he was being completely vulnerable, exposing his overwhelming need for her, admitting that it was bordering on obsession. "You know I've cleaned everything out of the loft that reminds me of you.. everything... but you're still there.. " he whispered painfully.

How she hated being the cause of such suffering, she apologized, her hand covering her mouth as if it could hold back the choking sobs that beckoned. "I'm sorry..."

John was on a roll, continuing.. wanting her to reciprocate... to tell him what he knew must be in her heart... "And not only do I see your face, but I can hear you talking to me... I can feel your arms around me, I can feel your body close to me... "

"No.. " she said, shaking her head to deny it at the same time as she was feeling his pain as if it were her own.. and in truth, it was her pain too, but she couldn't tell him that. If she told him it was the same way for her, that when she closed her eyes at night, she saw his face, not the man in bed with her, the man she was supposed to love. If she told John she dreamed of making love to him too, he would touch her and she would give in to the desires of her heart. And then she would lose that other man, destroying her entire family in the process.

"Yes... and I can't forget making love to you any more than I can forget loving you ... And by God it takes every ounce of strength I have to keep from holding you in my arms whenever I *see* you!"

Her eyes flooded with tears in the instant she gazed into his distressed blue ones... wishing she could give him what he needed, wishing she had another heart to give him, but knowing she couldn't... She just couldn't betray her husband and her children again... Marlena did what she had to do and she ran away from her feelings and from his overpowering need for her.. Was that what she was doing now, by going out to the island... was she running from her feelings for him ?

They had soon parted ways for the benefit of others, out of the belief that what they shared was tainted, that their love itself was wrong somehow. It was a time when they did what seemed right, even though it cost what they most wanted and needed. She remembered the pain in those gorgeous blue eyes that seemed to have lost all their sparkle, the tears that fought for recognition, his face lined as with age, as if the anticipated loss of her had taken several years off his life. "You know this isn't easy for me... This is just the way it's gotta be... " he said while sitting on the edge of her desk... and she didn't know who he was trying harder to convince, her or himself.

"I'm sorry..." She hated saying the words, hated agreeing with him, hated everything about their situation. "I'm sorry, Doc... cause what you and I have is so damn GOOD!"

She recalled the unbearable aching sensation that permeated her very soul when he walked out the door of her office... and the final parting words she said to him as they stood in the hallway later that day. "I have to deal with the pain of losing you and I've got to find a way to reconnect with my husband ..." as if any of it were really possible. They were only lying to themselves. It was inevitable that one day they would find their way back into each other's arms, their most fervent wishes coming true after so many years.

So soon afterward they were compelled to be together under moonlit skies... drawn together by the undeniable, unstoppable force of their love... They moved effortlessly through the water, their moist skin touching, their hearts melding into one as their mouths collided in an explosion of passion. Their bodies longed for the physical intimacy they believed they could never share again, their eyes saying all they could not find a way to express with words......

By some twist of fate, they succeeded in their attempts to live separate lives for a time, even convinced themselves that they could be relatively happy without each other, all the while remaining close friends. Then along came Kristen. Her particular variety of lies and deception kept them apart for years, years they lost to her evil manipulations, lost years they could have shared. Marlena told John that she had moved on, believing it was what he needed to hear so that he could do the same... And he had held back for fear of hurting her as he had once before in telling her how much he wanted her, needed her, ached for her touch...

And still there were those moments... when they almost spoke the words, moments when their eyes surely told the truth... moments observed by friends who later said it was painfully obvious that their love had never died and they belonged together for all eternity. John remembered one such instance... just after the baby that was never his, was born. He was lying on a hospital bed and dreaming... dreaming of his true love... He was holding her in his arms... loving her, needing her so... and much to his surprise he woke up kissing her... She was real and she was with him... it was magical.. and then the other one had came along and ruined it... but Marlena knew... There were to be no more doubts... John loved her and he wanted her as much as he ever had before...

"Uh.. I was just.. unfaithful to you, honey.. " he'd said so awkwardly to Kristen...making light of the situation. Marlena giggled triumphantly... her delighted eyes gloating in an exchange that told the true story. John was blessedly unaware of the animosity between the two women, but Marlena knew that his love for her was forever and that it was only a matter of time before the truth of their abiding love won out over Kristen's cruel lies. She smiled and left the other two alone... wishing she could just tell him the whole sordid tale, yet realizing that his kiss gave her all the answers for which she'd searching. His dream and the kiss that followed expressed all that she'd been thinking and feeling, symbolizing everything that was in his heart for her but couldn't yet be said out loud...

I want you to feel me in everything
I want you to see me in your every dream......

The way that I taste you, feel you, breathe you, need you.......

Later on.. when at last the lies were exposed and they were on the threshold of sharing all their hopes and dreams... Roman came back and yet another obstacle stood between them. John was fearful, uncertain whether those dreams would one day become reality as she appeared to waver in her commitment, torn between the past and the future. He remembered one night on the pier when tensions were running high and she walked away at a time when he wondered if she were beginning to fall in love with the man who first laid claim on her heart. She was talking about some changes in Roman's behavior of late.. "Maybe he senses that you're not in love with him..." John said, starting off a challenge.

"I've gotta go, " she said frustrated by his increasingly obvious insecurity in the relationship. "Or are you..." he added, to elicit the response he needed, but not getting it. He wanted her to say it wasn't true and make him believe it this time. He wanted her to stay with him, just once.

"John!" she said, turning around to face him, clearly irritated with him for pushing again.

He raised his hands in silent surrender... then spoke a frustrated apology, "I'm sorry.. I promise I won't keep doing this to you.. But Dammit! I just don't like these doubts that I'm feeling and these insecurities... I just...I just love you so much!" he cried pulling her close, his hands clenching the collar of her coat, and kissing her powerfully, his anxiety about losing her clearly evident in his emotion laden voice and in the fervent motions of his tongue inside her mouth.

She was under so much stress... she wanted to reassure him, but she had a commitment to ensure Roman's well being... "I love you too..." she said, brushing her cheek up against his, kissing him just above his lips as she prepared to leave him alone again, "I have to go... he'll wonder where I am.. " she said, feeling the sting of tears, perched around the edges of her eyes. No matter what she did, she was always hurting someone and she hated the way it felt, so she had to leave him.

As he watched her go, on her way to spend the night at the Penthouse with the other man, his heart gripped by the fear of losing her, John recalled leaning against the stairway railing and praying that God wouldn't allow the fates to take her from him. "Oh, Dear God... don't let her slip away from me."

He remembered what he wanted to say but didn't get the chance...

Then he prayed that same prayer again, wondering when his luck would run out where she was concerned, praying that when she awakened she wouldn't be livid because he had disregarded her request that he leave her alone to contemplate their future.

And now, when they were finally together in marriage, at a time when there were no more obstacles to their lifelong union, his past had come back around to haunt them when they least expected it. He'd been with another woman, wounding Marlena so profoundly, and robbing him of something precious too. The aftermath of his unfortunate encounter with Gina in Hope had all but torn them apart, testing their love beyond the capacity to sustain them. They had separated for awhile and under the stress of being apart from her, he had partially reverted to his former persona. It took some months of hard work, but he was becoming more like the man she had fallen so deeply in love with all those years earlier.

Still, it was not easy to forgive or forget what he said and did as that other man… the one who bore little resemblance to the man she loved so desperately. John remembered only some of what had happened during seemingly endless months apart, his harsher self having turned to alcohol at first, as a way of calming the unrest in his soul, as he tried to come to terms with the swirling confusing maelstrom that was his life.

And now… when he was well on his way to healing, he was compelled to try to win her back, despite what people were telling him, despite what she sometimes wouldn't say but broadcast with her eyes, which was that it just might be too late.

So, here they were on Smith Island…. and it was time to decide whether their paths were going to converge again or continue along their separate ways. Were they going to stay married and live out the balance of their lives together or had this last incredibly difficult period put an end to their relationship, severing the bond they once thought was unbreakable. Marlena was awake now… it was the middle of the night… and they were having a rather intense discussion. "John.. I told you not to follow me… I thought you understood that I needed some time to think before we talked again," she said angrily. "John, you *said* you would respect my wishes…" she added, casting her gaze askance and pulling her faded terrycloth robe more tightly around her suddenly chilled body. It was Springtime now, but the night air was still quite cool.

His voice was shaky with the fear of losing her permanently if he said or did the wrong thing again, and he wasn't entirely certain what that was at this point… Careful not to stand too close to her, he kept his current place near the door and started with an apology, "Marlena… I'm sorry… but I didn't know what else to do… I've tried everything I could think of to make the whole thing up to you… to assure you that I'm the same man you fell in love with … I've done everything you asked of me… I even went through therapy… Please, Doc… tell me what I can do to get you back… I'll go down on my knees and beg for your forgiveness, if that's what it takes…."

She met his worried gaze for a moment and then rose from the bed and was silent, heading toward the back window… contemplative.. pondering his desperation… Was it a good thing or a bad thing… her heart and mind doing battle to answer that unspoken question…And then he made one last entreaty, "Please, Marlena… I can't live like this anymore… tell me….what do you want from me?" He was pleading with her… secretly praying she would say something that would give him even a glimmer of hope for a brighter future, a future spent as her loving husband and father to her children.

"Don't you know that by now, John Black…" Even as she said it, she was staring out the window of the cabin at the moonless night. She shivered briefly as another chill crept over her, wondering if they would ever again feel the warm healing rays of the Summer sun. With a weary sigh, Marlena turned around to face him and shared what was in her heart… remembering the glory that was the beginning of their honeymoon in paradise,

John nodded and closed the distance between them, then gently took her in his arms, not saying a single word… She was tense and he was hesitant and nervous… caressing the tender skin of her beautiful face and looking into liquid pools of amber, as if it were the first time…and in some ways it was the first time. John Black was finally a whole person, he was complete, the bulk of his memories intact. He had rediscovered that long buried past for a time, and faced it in all its violent intensity.

At a time when he was so desperate to leave it all behind and never think of it again, he stared boldly into the cold empty darkness that wanted to lay claim to his weary soul, briefly embracing it so as to understand from whence he had come. Then he turned away from his lonely past as Stefano's victim. For in his heart of hearts, even in the midst of the bleak existence that was his separation from Marlena, John Black knew that *this* was the life he was always meant to live out, and he vowed he would do anything he had to do to get her back. To be by her side forevermore was his one true destiny….

She held her ground, not allowing herself even the possibility of giving in to his considerable charms until she was confident that he would never hurt her again, that he was a better man for all the turmoil and the time to reflect and make the necessary changes. "The question is John… what do you want? There was a time when I thought I knew what that was… but now…" Not knowing how to articulate her uncertainties, her voice trailed off, hoping he would be able to quell them.

His eyes spoke volumes… and then he tried to convey what he had learned, his voice filled with passionate sorrow, his hands on her shoulders, "Marlena… I'm so sorry for hurting you the way that I have… I'm sorry that I forgot for even one *second* the man I was meant to be… and I'm *so* sorry for all the pain that loving me has cost you… but I'm *not* sorry for coming into your life or for loving you.. because Marlena Evans Black… you are without a doubt, the best thing that has EVER happened to me in this screwed up life of mine! And I promise you something… From this moment on, there is *nothing* more important to me than giving you what you need and so rightly deserve. And now… I'm going to answer that question for you." John went down on one knee before her, bowing his head, as a young King honoring his lovely Queen. Taking her slender hands in both of his, he planted a soft kiss on each one before he spoke to her with great sincerity. "Marlena… my life, my love, my soul mate…

She nodded lightly and sighed as if with relief and joy at the same time, a light stream of tears beginning to trickle out… "Well, I hoped so… but I just had to be sure…." She gazed at him lovingly and tugged at his hands, saying softly, "Rise up, my love, my fair one and come away. For lo, the winter has passed, the rain is over and gone. The flowers appear on the earth, the time of the singing birds has come. My beloved is mine and I am his, until dawn breaks and the shadows fade. Turn now my beloved and be thou ever mine."

John let out the breath he'd been holding, and closed his misty eyes briefly, almost certain that when he opened them it would be just another dream from which he would awaken, aching for her all the more. Blinking twice, he looked up and realized that he was wrong. The love of his life had just repeated her wedding vows to him, inviting him back into her heart, into her life. "Oh, Doc… I love you…" he exclaimed as his heart swelled with peace and gratitude and joy.

As a tear slid down the length of his unshaven cheek, he stood up and recited the poem he had chosen for her, taking her left hand and kissing her wedding ring, thankful she wore it still…."I was never struck before that hour with love so sudden and so sweet. Her face, it blossomed like a flower and stole my heart away complete. She always seemed to hear my silent voice, not love's appeal to know. I never saw so sweet a face as though before me stood. My heart has left its dwelling place, can return no more."

She gasped just to look at him… It was incredible… after all they'd been through… after all that suffering, their lives were still made complete in each other. Marlena felt at peace for the first time in months as she gazed deeply into his bright blue eyes, seeing the sorrow for her pain, and more importantly the strength of the love he held in his heart for her. "Oh, John… I love you so…." The tears streamed down her cheeks, and he used the pads of his thumbs to gently wipe them away as he had done so many times before…

"And I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach, I love thee with the passion put to use.…" he said in a sweet whisper as he moved to embrace her more completely. In the next moment, he nuzzled her neck then kissed her with infinite tenderness, his mouth moving slowly closer, his lips hovering over hers, savoring the moment of contact. His tongue slipped inside the sweet moist confines of her mouth, intertwined with hers, swirled around it in enticing movements that left her breathless…

Enraptured, she caught her breath for a moment and spoke of her desire, smiling seductively, "Speaking of passions put to use… would you please take me to bed, my beloved one?"

The time for seriousness had passed. Grinning from ear to ear, he replied excitedly, "Anything you want baby, you've got it!" and then he wasted no time in capturing her mouth without another sound, lifting her off the ground and carrying her to the bed. They moaned with pleasure as the flames of untamed desire flared. At last they were together. The truth was out, all the mysteries of his past revealed. It was over and they could put it behind them, once and for all time. Again, there was no more need for words, only the sweet taste of long awaited kisses, the sound of their breath quickening… and of broken hearts mending, the sight of loving eyes filled with joyful tears, and the wondrous sensation of spirits soaring as they found their way back home….

Four hours later they were lying in their bed, having twice shared every part of themselves in complete physical, emotional and spiritual intimacy…. John leaned over her, sated but drinking in the glorious vision of her flushed naked body lying beneath his, as she let his arms slip comfortably around her neck. Gazing down into her moist delighted eyes, he smiled and said, "Tell me something, Doc… did you ever doubt it.. I mean… really doubt that we would make it all the way back?"

She shook her head, smiling elatedly, and he sighed with contentment to see that truth in her entire person. "No…. I've always known that you and I were simply meant to be… At first, I was just.. so hurt by what happened.. but later, I was only pushing you away to force the issue for you….to make you confront your demons, so to speak… After you... changed, I believed that I had to reach inside to the man I knew you were… to go beyond the defenses created by the pain from your tortured past…"

He nodded and admitted the truth of his own perspective. There were never to be any more secrets between them. "Well, I've got a confession to make… I'm sorry, but… I did… I doubted it, Doc.. but just for a minute there…"

There was a distant sadness in his blue eyes, and something in his tremulous tone told her it somehow impacted the present. She touched his whiskered cheek to make him look at her as she asked a simple question, "Why, John… "

He smiled weakly and cocked his head slightly, demonstrating the endearing vulnerability that had drawn her in from the very first moment their eyes met in a hospital examining room nearly fifteen years ago. His voice quavered and his eyes were moist again, "Because.. I always thought that… well, to be perfectly honest… I always knew that I… needed you… more than you ever needed me. I guess I was… afraid that you'd figure it out one day and.. let me go."

She was shaking her head… "Well, Mr. Black, I have a news flash for you… you're so very, very wrong about that…" Her hand underneath his chin, she gently tipped it up so that their eyes met, "And if you haven't figured it out by now, I'll just have to set the record straight…. once and for all," she finished, her eyes smoldering with renewed desire, and then she kissed him, capturing his mouth with fervent passion… her hands moving to find private pleasure zones, making him groan with the familiar all consuming aching need to join with her…