MISSING YOU

Missing you... missing you... missing you... missing you....missing you... missing you..... missing you... missing you......

The words were whispered in the wind, floating across the miles that separated them, echoing in the silent arctic darkness. Though they were only a short ways across town from each other, the distance between them was increasing with each passing hour.

Every time I think of you, I always catch my breath......

He wanted to be angry with her, he wanted to put the blame on her, he wanted to say it was her loss. But he never could. For the God's honest truth was, no matter what happened between them, he still loved her and he knew in his heart, if not his mind that he had always been the lucky one and that was one truth which would never change. He also knew she was right about everything.

And I'm still standing here, and you're miles away.....

The look of bitter disappointment on her face was forever etched in his memory and her parting words echoed repeatedly inside his tortured mind... " No, John.. it's over... it's just over... now please go."

"Please, Doc... don't do this.. I'll change... I'll do whatever you ask... please, baby... just.. give me another chance!" he'd pleaded in desperation, with moisture behind his blue eyes, his male pride forgotten.

And I'm wonderin' why you left......

She shook her head... and said it plain and simple, "We're way past second chances, John... We've known each other much too long for that. This should come as no surprise.. you've made your choices... time and time again, you've chosen what *you* needed... what YOU wanted... over me and the children, over Sami."

"No.. that's not how it was.. I just...." He stopped pleading with her and heaved a heavy sigh. John realized that it was futile; there could be no explaining, no cajoling, no persuading her otherwise. She had already made up her mind. With an overwhelming sense of loss in his heart that he somehow kept from his voice, John sighed with resignment and said softly, "I'll send for my things....."

"Good... I've had Mickey draw up papers... " She had to tell him, even if it sparked further heated discussion.. he had a right to know that much before the papers arrived unannounced at his hotel room.

"Papers... for what, Doc?" he asked staring right through to her soul, incredulous that she would even consider some formal arrangement.

"A custody agreement...what did you think? When you read it you'll see that the terms are fair, John." She said it all with such clinical detachment, as if there were no pain or grief for her about their parting.

His jaw nearly dropped to the floor... How could they possibly be having this conversation... after everything they'd been through to be together... "No!... No, I don't want that... something so formal... can't we just... talk about this?" he asked, wondering how it all could have gone so wrong. It was inconceivable and all he could do was shake his head and fight back the tears.

"No, John... I'm through talking with you.. asking you to be there for us... there was a time when I didn't even have to think about it."

"Doc... I'm still standing here.. you're the one that's.." he began to say in his defense, but she was having no part of it.

"Yes... technically, I'm the one who has the courage to end it... but our love is already dead John... and it has been for a long time. I've known this was coming ever since you began this... obsession," she said in slightly hushed tones, not wanting to go over it again.

Shaking his head in disbelief, he argued with her, "No... no, that's not true... I still love you, Marlena... and I always will... I don't think you can just let me go that easily... you still love me too..." he said, placing his hands upon her shoulders. She tensed and he knew, there was no going back.

She replied flatly... stating facts with only a hint of emotion, "Yes... "

"Well... then..." he started hopefully, but was cut off cold.

"I used to think that was enough... but I was wrong, John... it's not enough any more... I needed more from you... the kids need more...so, I want a formal arrangement for custody... I'm sorry if that hurts you.. but I won't change my mind... Please don't fight it, John... it will only make things worse... "

There was dead silence in the room... and they were helpless in its power over them... Finally, John replied.. resigned to it. "Allright... if it's what you want... I.. trust you to be fair..." After a long pause in which he dug down deep and summoned some measure of courage... he looked into her eyes one last time and said the words he would have begged at her feet not to have to say ever again... "Goodbye, Doc..." Then, as the tears began to slip out around the corners of his eyes he spoke barely above a whisper with agony in his voice, his lips quivering, "I'll always love you..."

She didn't return those last few words... not to his face... and she wasn't even crying... She only nodded slightly and whispered through nearly blind eyes, "Goodbye...." What he didn't know was that in the second after the door was closed she collapsed in a heap, and spent the night with a cascade of ceaseless bitter tears...

And there's a storm that's raging through my frozen heart tonight......

The snow kept falling and the wind howled all around him as he stared out into the stormy darkness, making the windows screech out a haunting sound that pierced his wounded heart, reminding him of the bitter cold he felt inside. It was a soul deep emptiness and he wept with profound regret for what he'd given up to try to fill the void he now knew beyond all doubt, was a void that only she could fill.

I hear your name in certain circles, and it always makes me smile......

The Annual Charity Ball.

An event they'd planned on attending... and now he was there alone... she wasn't in attendance. And yet, she was all around him, people talking about her relationship with the newest doctor in town-some Neurologist-she was seeing him; they looked good together, or so he heard. They had planned on making an appearance, but the babysitter cancelled and the guy stayed with her. "What a great guy," they were all saying. 'Why am I even here... to prove to everybody that I don't need her? That I don't miss her... that I can smile when she's not around... Right, John... you're not fooling anybody... so why don't you just go home?' he said to himself, glancing around the room, looking for a friendly face, not that there were alot of them. Most of their friends had sided with her.

I spend my time thinkin' about you, and it's almost driving me wild...

It didn't matter whether he went home or stayed. His heart was aching, the pain was worse than he could have imagined those first few weeks. She was on his mind constantly; he couldn't eat, he couldn't sleep. He missed her terribly, though he tried to deny it everywhere he went. Somehow, he knew no one believed him.

And there's a heart that's breaking down this long distance line tonight..

John kept wanting to call her, to find some way to reach her and break through the barriers she had put up. Actually, it was more like she had built a fortress around her heart, one he couldn't penetrate. She had shut him out of her life completely and in some moments, John felt like he would rather die than live his life without her love and friendship 'Oh.. Doc.. I need you.. I'm sorry.. I'm so sorry!' he cried out in the privacy of his own mind... remembering that amazing dance they'd shared on this very dancefloor. 'Please forgive me!'

I ain't missing you at all since you've been gone away......

Still, there were other times he acted as hard as stone, carrying on as if he didn't need her, behaving as though he didn't miss her at all. When she walked into a room, he would meet her eyes for less than a second before turning away. He told all his friends he was doing fine, that he could handle it, that it was better in some ways since his past was still such a mystery.

I ain't missing you, no matter what I might say.....

She was sitting there on the couch sharing a cup of coffee with the new man in her life. He was tall, blond and handsome, an excellent conversationalist, up on current events, knowledgeable about the stock market, but he never wore a leather jacket. His style and the scent of his cologne weren't nearly so masculine, so rugged as John was, and he didn't make her laugh the way John could. But then again, he didn't make her cry.

There's a message in the wire, and I'm sending you this signal tonight

You don't know how desperate I've become.....

He was so tempted. Sometimes it was all he could do to keep from running over there and trying to convince her to change her mind. To use his charms, get her to make love, anything. Maybe he could even kidnap her and take her to some island paradise, get her to confess her undying love. John was becoming desperate to have her back and not seeing her was nearly as painful as seeing her on the arm of the other man. His mind couldn't help but imagine the other couple being together, after the kids were asleep. What was to stop them? She'd given him back the ring. ‘No... Doc still loves me... I *know* she does..... she couldn't want him.... could she?'

And it looks like I'm losing this fight........

She never called him, not even about the kids, communicating through Mickey or the Brady's. How he hated that. He missed her friendship, something that had often been his lifeline. Even when they weren't together, they always had that. He used to tell her everything and anything; they shared all the details of their lives. For so long and the loss of her left him so lonely John felt like he was dying without her, and he simply couldn't bear it. But she didn't seem to need him at all. Her practice was flourishing. She'd even begun to write her first book and the advance press on it was quite promising.

In your world I have no meaning

Though I'm trying hard to understand....

The fact was... Doctor Marlena Evans was flying solo and doing fine.

And it's my heart that's breaking down this long distance line tonight...

With a tired sigh, John headed over to get some food. At least it would give him something to do for a few minutes, though he didn't have much of an appetite these days. Food didn't even taste good to him, but he wasn't about to admit to any of that. By all outward appearances, John Black was the picture of good health and he was getting over Marlena without too much difficulty. He wasn't dating, but he had his hands full with his research into the past and the time he was spending with Greta.

I ain't missing you at all since you've been gone away

I ain't missing you, no matter what my friends say......

"Hey buddy... how are you doing... " asked the caring voice of his very best friend. Abe had been there for him and he'd seen him through the worst of it.

"I'm fine, Abe... you don't have to watch over me... I'm alright... and I think maybe it's better... you know.... I'm free to pursue my past. I can jump on a plane whenever I want... I don't have to explain anything to anybody..." Maybe if he kept saying it over and over again he'd start to believe it.

Abe knew better. "John... this is me... your best friend... you don't have to pretend with me... I know you're still hurting..."

"No.. really.. the worst of it is over... really," he said with a weak smile, suddenly fighting back the tears, as he looked over to see her stepping off the elevator with her new beau. Obviously, they'd found another sitter.

And there's a message that I'm sending out

Like a telegraph to your soul.........

Their eyes met from across the room and for a split second he saw regret in hers and in the next she tightened her grip on the other man's arm. She smiled at her escort as he looked at her admiringly, making it painfully clear to John that she was moving on, only a month or so after their breakup. The smile she gave the new man in her life; it was so much like the one that used to be reserved for John Black and it pierced him to his soul to see it intended for another's eyes. 'Oh... Doc.. how could this have happened to us? I don't understand!'

And if I can't bridge this distance, stop this heartbreak overload....

The pain was unbearable. A love they said would never die was all but gone forever. How could it be? John still couldn't comprehend how she could just walk away from what they had, still not accepting that it was he who had for all intents and purposes forsaken that love in favor of his near obsession to learn about his past.

I ain't missing you at all since you've been gone away

I ain't missing you no matter what my friends say

I ain't missing you, I ain't missing you, I can lie to myself........

He was trying so hard, to make himself believe it, but they all knew. John was just lying to himself to protect his injured heart. He missed her beyond words and it was tearing him apart to see her dance to that special song with the other man. She was laughing, smiling, enjoying the dance, snuggling up closer as the song continued to fill the air with its enchanting romantic melody.

And there's a storm that's raging through my frozen heart tonight........

Despite his most intensive efforts to date, the pain rushed to the surface and he found a lump in his throat and moisture forming in his sad eyes. 'Oh, Doc... God, how I miss you! and I want you back... I want you BACK!' he screamed inside his mind.

I ain't missing you at all since you been gone

I ain't missing you no matter what my friends say...

She felt his heartbreak and was compelled to look over at him. John was alone and hurting so much. How could she do it?

Ain't missing you, I ain't missing you, I ain't missing you

I can lie to myself........

Marlena turned and looked away, telling herself she could get past her concern for him, that she was healing, that she was truly enjoying the company of this new man, that she could even fall in love again-with someone else.

I ain't missing you, I ain't missing you, ain't missing you.. Oh, no....

Her mind professed success in her quest to let him go, but her heart knew the truth.......

Ain't missing you, I ain't missing you

I ain't missing you, I ain't missing you

No matter what my friends might say, I ain't missing you...

Lyrics appearing in body of piece borrowed from song of same title, as performed by John Waite (Waite, Leonard, and Sandford)