After the Rain
Chapter
One
Oh, my love.. I will always
be there for you
After the rain and through all the pain
In the warm comfort of my arms I will enfold you
In the sunlight, in the cold dark night, and after the rain...
For Better For Worse
He was starting to come
around again... there was so much noise.. shoes shuffling on the tile floor,
bustling movement all around him, loud commanding voices barking out orders
like a drill sergeant, a woman crying in the background.. Who was it? He was so
disoriented, but he listened intently and then he knew.. Was she crying for him? It was all so
confusing and he needed her desperately. 'Doc!' he screamed in his mind.. but
the sound still wouldn't come out of his mouth. No, there was something in his
mouth, and his throat was raw, so he gave up. He tried instead to open his eyes
again, and this time he found some success, but as he squinted and tried to
look out of those exhausted matted eyes.. he saw only blurry images, nothing
substantive and it terrified him, so much that he recovered his voice and tried
to scream. It came out all garbled because of the tube in his throat.
"Doc... where are you? I can't see! I can't see, Doc.. MARLENA!!" he
screamed. And why *was* there a tube in his throat.. or was it a mask over his
face.. he wasn't sure.. everything was so.. strange, all his bodily sensations
mixed up, his mind cloudy. What is wrong with me anyway? I just had a bad
bump on the head a couple of flesh wounds, didn't I?'
Just the sound of his voice
frightened her. She didn't think he could speak with the ventilator and she
didn't understand the words, but to hear the terror in it was nearly
overwhelming and she raced to his side in shock at what she thought he had
said. "I'm here, John.. I'm right here honey," she said taking his
hand, thinking it would reassure him.
He heard her, but he needed
to feel her being close to him and said anxiously, "Touch me.. please
touch me, Doc.. Hold my hand, please!" She could barely understand him,
but seemed to get the gist of it.
Marlena looked up at Mike
and they shared a confused and worried glance. Marlena asked quickly,
"Mike, he's breathing on his own.. can we take the ventilator off.. at
least for a little while?"
"All right.. we'll see
how he does, for a few minutes." Mike proceeded to remove the mask,
watching John very closely as he did so. The breaths were quite shallow, but
they were under his own power. "I'll run the blood gases again, and we'll
see what happens. We'll need to follow the pulseoximeter reading very closely
as well," he said with authority. Marlena nodded grimly as Mike then stepped back so that she could
move in closer. It was very clear from the rapid blinking and the way his eyes
darted back and forth that John was very confused and frightened, completely
overwhelmed by what was happening to him.
Marlena then attended to the
other situation, fighting off the fear herself. "Honey.. I'm holding your
hand.. Can't you feel it?" she asked tentatively.
A look of absolute horror
filled his eyes and he shook his head very slightly; that was all he could do,
attempting to cry out fearfully, his voice ragged, "No.. No, I can't feel
it! Oh, no.. Marlena? " Terrified, John put every ounce of energy into
moving a hand, a finger, a toe.. anything and wasn't able to accomplish that
simple task. He tried to speak again, but it was so difficult, the emotions
were so powerful and they took over for all logical thought processes for the
moment. His quivering lips moved, but no sound would come out, the words just
wouldn't travel from his mind to his mouth.
Watching him struggle,
Marlena said, "Honey.. your voice is raw from the ventilator.. don't try
to talk.. just be still, it's going to be all right. I'm here with you."
Still, he tried to speak,
crying out in a raspy whisper, "Oh God.. Doc, I can't feel anything, I
can't move, I can't move anything at all! Oh My God, Doc! I can't see anything
and I'm paralyzed!!" He couldn't ever remember feeling such intense and
all encompassing fear in his entire life; this was infinitely worse than what
he felt when he thought Roman was going to shoot him to death. The idea of
spending the rest of his life in darkness, unable to move or do anything for
himself was simply impossible to deal with and John suddenly became hysterical,
screaming at them as the adrenaline flowed through every part of his body as
the flight or fight syndrome kicked itself in high gear, "Oh.. God! You
have to take me off all the machines.. right now! Turn em off.... everything,
Mike.. just let me die! Please if you love me, Doc.. you'll pull the
plugs!"
Marlena moved in even closer
to hold him, stroking his hair and his cheeks as he reacted to the incredibly
shocking circumstances in which he found himself upon awakening. She looked
worriedly up at Mike, who immediately began writing orders on John's chart for
various testing procedures. "Oh.. honey.. I know you're scared, but we
don't know anything yet. These problems might only be temporary. I know you
don't really want to die, sweety."
His eyes couldn't deny her
the truth she sought, but his mind could, "But, what if they aren't? What
if it's permanent?" he asked, the terror increasing with the simple act of
asking the question.
She couldn't even allow that
possibility to enter her mind and therefore, attempted to reassure him,
"We'll deal with whatever happens.. together honey.. We're married now,
remember?"
For some reason he had
forgotten that fact, everything had happened so fast. "Oh, Doc.. I can't
put you through this... No, take me off the machines; if I make it on my own
then it's meant to be.. If I don't, then you won't be saddled with an invalid
for a husband. Please Doc.. I'm begging you, tell them to turn off the
machines, take out all the tubes.. now, please!"
She knew they wouldn't even
consider doing it; John was a young, generally healthy male, and he could very
well go on to lead a productive satisfying life, disabled or not. This was
simply an acute emotional trauma reaction, but he was so distraught that
something had to be done quickly to calm and reassure him, "Honey...I'll
go talk to Mike about it and we'll be right back, okay?"
He couldn't bear that, not
even briefly, "No.. don't leave me, please don't leave me here alone!
I'm....scared, Doc!" he said, his lips quivering slightly, his voice soft
and shaky.
"Okay.. we'll talk
right here, I'm just going to step away from the bed for a second, but I'll be
right here in the room, all right?"
John only nodded in
response, a very slight movement at that; he could move his head and neck, but
nothing else. He didn't want her to move even that far away, but he knew he had
to let it happen.
When they thought
they were out of earshot, Mike whispered, "Marlena.. I was afraid of
this.. that head wound is.. bad and the swelling is significant there and in the
area where his neck hit the table. The paralysis and blindness could only be
temporary, but we won't know anything until we get him down for the MRI."
"Mike.. what are we
going to do? He's saying he wants us to take him off the life support and the
medications. He's competent, so we can't deny him his rights.. but if we do
what he says.. Oh, Mike!"
We'll put it before the
Ethics Committee if it comes to that. I'm going to try to buy us some time
first, though." Leaving her with a puzzled expression, Mike approached the
bed saying, "John.. we want to meet your request, but before we can, I
really have to run some tests. If I do what you're asking and it turns out it
wasn't a permanent or life-threatening problem in the long run, I'm going to be
in serious trouble with the medical board. I could lose my license to practice.
Do you think you could wait a little while before you make your final
decision?"
Just as Mike was counting
on, John was so upset that he wasn't thinking clearly and it didn't register
what Mike was doing. Feeling bad about the possibility of the young doctor
losing his license because of him made him change his mind. After a long sigh,
he acquiesced, "Okay.. go ahead, Mike.. I don't want you to get in any
trouble because of me."
"Thank you so much,
John.. you're really doing me a huge favor, I won't forget that. The orderlies
will be here soon to take you down for an MRI and I'm going to go arrange the
other tests."
John sighed again, with
anxious exhaustion, but managed to respond, "You're welcome, Mike."
Marlena stood back in silent
amazement at what Mike had accomplished. She stepped closer and whispered,
"Have you ever considered practicing psychiatry? You're a natural Michael
Horton."
He smiled and said,
"Oh, no I just like to dabble a little.. I'll be back soon." More
seriously, he informed her of the actions he planned to take on her husband's
behalf. "Marlena, I'm going to put in a stat order on all the results and
have the GM-1 and high dose methylprednisolone ready the second we know for
certain that it's a spinal cord injury...to minimize cell damage and ward off
excessive inflammation." She nodded grimly and Mike squeezed her hand
slightly as a sign of encouragement before exiting.
"Doc.. Doc! Are you
still here?" came an anxious query. He heard the door open and close and
hoped she hadn't left him alone. He was so completely helpless; just the
thought of being left all alone in the darkness for even a few minutes was
overwhelming.
"Yes honey.. I'm right
here. I won't leave you, John. I'm going to stay right here by your side
through everything ...okay?"
"Okay... thank you,
Doc, I love you." That assurance seemed to calm him and he closed his eyes
and allowed sleep to take him. Sleeping was much easier to handle than being
awake and powerless, so he let the immense fatigue that settled throughout his
battered body take over for the moment, knowing Marlena would be there to watch
over him. "Oh, John... sweety, I love you too... and no matter what
happens next, baby.. I'll be here."
She was sitting in the
waiting area with the rest of the family, immersed in dream like memories of
the beautiful wedding night that had become more like a nightmare, when she
heard her name being called. "Marlena.. Marlena.. Didn't you hear me?"
It took several moments, but finally Marlena realized that Mike Horton was
speaking to her. "What.. oh, Mike.. I'm sorry."
With understanding, he said,
"It's okay. What I said was.. John is in a regular room now and he's very
anxious to see you, I mean.. have you with him." Waiting until she seemed
to be paying close attention, Mike continued, "The MRI has been completed,
his other wounds have been cleaned and stitched and we're waiting on the
results."
"Well, what does it
look like so far, Mike.. Is there a clear reason why he's not moving, why he
can't see?"
" Marlena.. The x-rays
were inconclusive. I've consulted with Dr. Jacobs in neurology, and the best we
can come up with without the MRI and other test results is that the blows to
the head and neck caused trauma to the optic nerve and possibly to the spinal
cord, either due to the swelling in the area or an actual injury to the cord.
From all indications it is the former. We're hoping that once the swelling goes
down in both areas, we'll see a return of the eyesight as well as to the nerve
and muscle function in the rest of his body."
That sounded a little
better... "Oh.. I pray you're right, Mike...I can't even believe this is
happening. Less than 12 hours ago John and I were as happy as we've ever been.
I can't believe that Roman could do such a thing... If I hadn't seen him there,
I would never have believed it."
"I know... it's.. mind
boggling. I guess he really went off the deep end."
"Did he... go off the
deep end? Or was he in his right mind Mike? I have to know. If he did lose all
control, if he was... insane when it happened, I want him to get help. But if
he knew what he was doing the whole time.. I want him to be punished to the
fullest extent of the law, Mike. And, so help me God.. if John is permanently...
disabled because of him..." She stopped mid-sentence and shook those
thoughts right out of her head, "Oh, no I can't even think like that... I
just can't.... not yet!" Marlena forced the nearly crippling fear from her
mind.. it was too soon.
"Yes.. it's much too
soon for that, Marlena." Mike Horton left her to check on some other
patients. Within two hours after the injury occurred, Mike had reviewed the
films with the radiologist, and he consulted with the neurologist for a few
minutes before guiding him toward John's room. As they knocked lightly then
stepped inside the room, the other physician spoke. "Well, the results are
in, are you ready to hear what we've found?" asked Dr. Jacobs, watching
the couple closely for their reaction. It was to be expected; they were
obviously terrified of hearing bad news.
Marlena was holding John's
hand and she looked to him for the signal. When he nodded almost imperceptibly,
she answered, "Yes... go ahead," Doctor.
Pulling out a detailed
diagram of the spinal cord, the doctor started in, "John.. I'm going to
explain this with a diagram for Marlena and then I'm going to help you
understand better by showing you some of what I'm talking about with a hands on
demonstration afterward, is that all right?"
Feeling thoroughly
overwhelmed by the whole ordeal, John's face was tight with fear he didn't
verbalize in front of the doctors, and again, he only nodded his agreement.
Marlena stroked his hair and spoke softly... "We'll get through this
together, John. I'm right here by your side and I'm not going anywhere. I'll be
with you through everything, John."
There were tears in her eyes
as she looked to see that his were brimming with them as well. It was all so
frightening and he didn't want the bad news he knew was coming. He couldn't
quite squelch the whimper that begged to come out, and managed to say,
"Mmm... Okay, Doc.. thanks." Marlena's heart was aching for him as
she wiped away a lone escaping tear with her right forefinger. The fact that he
couldn't do it himself made him hurt even more, but at least he could feel her
touch; that was something.
"Are you ready?"
asked the neurologist after giving the couple a moment to recover and prepare
themselves to absorb the difficult information he was about to convey.
Marlena kissed her husband
of less than 24 hours on the forehead, then turned back and answered for them
both again, "Yes.. please.. tell us everything and don't sugar coat
it. We need to know exactly what we're
facing."
Sandra
H. Bondelier
1998-2004