After the
Rain
Chapter
Thirteen
A Ray of Light in the Midst of Darkness
It had been almost a week now and
sensation was returning at a much more rapid pace, a very good sign, they all
said, but it didn't feel like it to John because it meant he was in significant
pain much of the time. His gunshot wounds were slowly beginning to heal and
they wanted him to start physical and occupational therapy. It was to begin
with very basic tasks, gentle range of motion and stretching for his neck,
shoulders, trunk and lower extremities. His head and neck ached almost
constantly, but they didn't want him on too much pain medication because the,
"discomfort," as the medical people seemed to want to call it, was a
warning signal, telling the rehabilitation team if the therapy was too much for
him.
The wound in his right leg was having an
even tougher time healing because of the old injury, and it throbbed
unmercifully between pain pills. Believing he had no other choice but to endure
it, John didn't complain. In addition, since he hadn't been eating much to
speak of, his energy level was quite low; he was anemic and he wasn't
recovering as quickly as the doctors believed he should. Because he wasn't
healing properly and ready to do more, he was depressed and had become more withdrawn,
and so on and so on. It was definitely a vicious cycle, but John wasn't able
break out of it on his own. He felt stuck in his recovery just as he felt
trapped in the lump of still mostly useless flesh he called his body. The whole
situation made it extremely difficult to relax or sleep and he was quickly
moving well beyond irritable, the pain his only constant companion.
Nevertheless, there were a few good things
to come out of his tragic circumstances. One night, when Marlena couldn't be
there and he'd been in a lot of pain and finally asked for some extra
medication so he could get some much needed sleep, two very unexpected visitors
arrived to see him. They approached the bed so quietly he could barely hear
them.
"John... are you awake" Sami
asked timidly, almost afraid to hear him say yes, not quite knowing what she
would say to him after being so bitterly cruel to him for so many years. She
had rehearsed the words, but they left her in the moment they stepped inside
his room and saw the man to whom she'd spoken so harshly just one week ago,
telling him he should step aside for her father's sake that he was nearly
responsible for Roman's death. Instead, it was John who was Roman's victim,
lying helpless in a hospital bed with all manner of sophisticated equipment
needed to sustain him. It brought tears to her eyes, just to see John in that
condition, knowing who was to blame for his suffering.
His eyelids fluttered and he took a moment
to come to a relatively alert state, the medication making him groggy.
"Yes... I'm awake.... Sami, Eric? What are you two doing here?" he
asked with a bewildered expression, worried they were going to blame him for
their father's predicament. That was all he needed.
"Well, we came to... apologize to
you... for all the cruel things we've said and done to try to break you and Mom
up. We've realized that we were wrong, John, and we'd like to ask for your
forgiveness."
It came out of nowhere and John was in
shock over the words he thought he'd heard her say. After several long seconds,
he asked, in disbelief, for the reason, "Why now... because of this?
Because I'm... paralyzed? If you're here because you feel sorry for me.. I want
you to leave. I don't need your pity... Sami, that's the last thing I want,"
he said, searching their blue eyes for a motive and seeing something he never
thought he'd see, true compassion for his suffering.
Understanding by the wary look in his eyes
and the wounded sound of his voice, just how badly he was hurting, Sami
reassured him that it was just the opposite, "No, John... we don't pity
you. We feel horrible about what... our father did to you, but we don't pity
you. We're just coming to realize how wrong we were to treat you the way we
have and we want it to change. John... will you let us.. be there for you? Will
you let us help you?"
Jhn felt the moisture forming again behind
his eyes, as he peered uncertainly at them. As far as he could tell, they
seemed sincere, as if they were really beginning to accept responsibility for
their behavior. Still, it was extremely difficult to trust in what they said
after their harsh condemning attitude toward him, "I don't know...
Sami..."
Moving a little closer, Sami spoke with
love and understanding, hoping to convince the man of the validity of the
changes that were taking place in their hearts since this father figure had
been so badly injured by their natural parent, "John... listen, you have
every right to reject us. We know that, but we're prepared to show you how much
we care about you and Mom. I'm so sorry for what happened to you and I want to
be here to help... We both do.. we want
to feed you, learn to change and turn you, and help you with all the other
things that you sometimes have to wait for."
He was shaking his head slightly, the
tears poised to fall. That would be too much to take; he couldn't allow himself
to be so vulnerable after they'd hurt him so terribly. A quiet, tearful,
"No..." was all he could say in response. He fought the lump in his
throat, forcing back the powerful feelings it represented.
Eric jumped in this time, saying with
great sincerity as he too found moisture welling up behind his eyes,
"John, listen... I know that you're really scared and that it's hard to
let people in right now, but I mean this with all my heart. You were there for
us when we were babies... When Mom was gone, you were the only parent we had
and you loved us very much, you took good care of us." Eric's voice began
to quaver as he recounted all that John had done for him and his sister, hoping
it would convince the man they meant what they were saying, "You.. changed
our diapers and you.. fed us and stayed up with us when we were sick... and you
held us all night long when we were.. afraid of the thunder and lightning.
John, we're SO sorry... we just... forgot about all of that for a little while.
We were angry and we took it out on you.. please.... let us help you now."
It was so unreal to hear them speak this
way, and his mind told him it couldn't be true, that it was all a dream, or some
wishful imagining caused by the strong meds he was on. Then they moved still
closer, each taking a hand, willing him to see the sincerity of their words and
their renewed sense of love and commitment to being in a real relationship with
the man who had once been their whole world. "Oh.. Sami... Eric... it
would mean so much to me... to have you back in my life again. I... love you
both, I never stopped, no matter how bad things got between us... I still loved
you. But I need to know... do you... really.. mean this or is it.. because you
feel sorry for me? I have to know because...I couldn't take it.... if it
wasn't.. true." He was finding it hard to contain the swell of emotion
that was building behind his eyes, for this was a moment he'd prayed about for
years, never really believing it would take place.
"John... I can understand why you
don't trust us... but we mean every word. We won't let you down. We love you and we really want to be there
for you, so will you let us help you... Daddy?" asked Sami sweetly and
convincingly, pausing before uttering that term of endearment she knew he'd
needed to hear for a very long time.
His voice cracked, and his lips quivered
slightly as he absorbed the meaning of her use of that special word, "Oh,
Daddy…you.. really.. think of me that way... after all this.. time?" he
said, on the verge of tears, his voice thick with a combination of joy and
disbelief.
Sami answered for them again, seeing as
how she was the worst offender of the two, her eyes filling with tears of
regret, "Yes, we both do... John.. we made a *horrible* mistake. No.. lots
of them," she corrected quickly, "And, we said and did some terrible
things to you.. I wouldn't blame you if you couldn't forgive us. We know we
were wrong, John... completely wrong and I guess.. it took this tragedy to make
us realize it. Please... accept our apology and let us be there for you
now."
Sami was weeping openly at this point,
with shame and so many other emotions, including sorrow for all the time she'd
missed with him when he was whole and healthy and wanting to spend time with
them, when he would have played ball and done so many other fun activities with
them. Instead they'd rejected him over and over and over again. Now... they
couldn't go back and he might never get to do those things with his own little
children. "I'm so sorry for what happened to you, John... and I'm so sorry
that we... were so.. mean to you.. I know that all you did... was love us...
and Mom... so much that you had a hard time letting go. You can't know how much
I regret the way I've treated you... and how much I... wish.. that I could...
make it up to you somehow. I'm SO sorry, Daddy!"
Eric held his weeping sister, saying at
the same time, his own eyes moist in response to her words that moved him too.
"John.. we mean this... we've talked about it every day since this tragedy
happened. It shocked us into realizing how unfair we've been, how we blamed you
and Mom for everything when Dad was a part of it too. He was so hard on Mom...
and he expected everyone to just forget about you when you were such an
important part of our lives. That wasn't fair of him... and what we did to you
wasn't right either. Please, John... let us try to make it up to you... to be
there for you now... the way you always were for us."
All he could do was stare out of misty
eyes, trying to decide how to respond, as the salty liquid managed to sneak out
around the edges of his eyes. It was such an emotional moment for all of them.
Finally, he nodded slightly in response and his Twinners leaned down to hug
him, wanting him to absorb their love and sincerity. "Oh, Eric.. Sami...
I... love you both so much! Okay... I'd really like that."
Marlena, who had found a way to break free
to come see him, stood in the doorway in total shock. Her wayward twins were
making up with John, expressing the love she always believed was buried deep
inside their hearts. It sometimes took a horrible tragedy like this one to
bring such hidden feelings to the surface. It was a miracle to see the two of
them leaning down to hold John in their loving arms, a sight she never thought
she'd witness for the rest of her life on earth. They had been so alienated
from him, of their own doing, and she could hardly believe her eyes. Not
wanting to interrupt, she stood there transfixed and began to weep with joy and
thanksgiving, memorizing that heavenly vision, enjoying one bright and shining
beacon of hope, which had suddenly and unexpectedly appeared in the midst of
near total devastation.
Sandra H. Bondelier
1998