My love.. I am always with you
The storms they may be raging
But our love is never failing....
Dr. Jacobs paused momentarily,
thinking it would help if his colleague Michael Horton were in the room. He did
know the couple and this was a frightening, often overwhelming situation, at
best. In the moment he was ready to explain the test results, Mike stepped back
inside, having completed his phone calls, "All right, then... it's just as
Dr. Horton and I suspected. The blow to the head from the gun butt caused a
brain concussion and there is significant swelling, which we believe is
responsible for the blindness. We think it's only temporary, but we won't know
for certain until the swelling recedes. As far as the spinal cord, again...
it's just as we conjectured. When you fell against the coffee table your neck
and spinal cord were traumatized. “
The doctor paused for a moment
before continuing. Not seeing or hearing anything to indicate the couple wasn’t
ready for more, he proceeded with his explanation of his patient’s condition. “John..
there are 33 vertebrae protecting the spinal column and they extend from the
very highest point at the top of your neck and travel all the way down to the
base of the spine at the sacrum. It appears that there is what we call a mild
incomplete injury, and possibly what is called a spinal cord concussion, which
is quite similar to the brain concussion, at about the cervical vertebrae seven
level. We'll have to wait and see which it is as the immediate injury heals. An
incomplete injury means that there was some damage, but it will most likely not
all be permanent. A concussion would be an even less permanent injury. Within
24-48 hours we should have a clearer picture. In either case, you will probably
see some return of functioning and sensation, but there's no way of determining
right now exactly how much, or how long it will take for you to regain the
maximum capability."
Again, the doctor paused for them
to absorb some of that information before continuing. Marlena's slight nod
indicated that at least she was ready, though it was obvious she was battling
for emotional control. John was clearly struggling just to listen at all. He
was understandably frightened and overcome by the enormity of his current
predicament. Knowing the information needed to be imparted and that the man's
fiancé was a physician and would want details, the neurologist continued.
"John....regardless of the long-term outlook... for the time being, you will
be considered a C7-8 quadriplegic, meaning that for now.. you will need total
assistance with the tasks of daily living: things like dressing, bathing,
grooming, toileting. Pretty much everything you've been doing for yourself on a
daily basis, you now need to have done for you. The nurses will begin a bowel
and bladder training program as soon as possible and they will educate you
about the details of your injury and its resulting effects on your body and
physical capabilities, as well as teach you and Marlena the signs and symptoms
of common complications and ways to prevent secondary conditions from
developing."
Marlena looked at John and she
could see that every word the Doctor spoke was sending him farther away from
her, deeper inside himself. The fear was taking a stronghold inside his mind,
building a fortress around him and his heart, a fortress she was afraid she
might not be able to penetrate. She wanted to stop the physician in his tracks,
so that she could talk to the man she loved and keep him with her mentally, but
she had to hear what the man was saying. She knew that John needed to as well, though she sensed he was
beginning to tune out all external stimuli and withdrawing from the world.
The voice continued talking, but
John hardly heard it now; he was fixated on that one phrase,
"...everything you have done for yourself will have to be done for
you..." It played over and over inside his mind until he thought he would
explode with helpless rage. 'OH GOD! No... please.. just let
this be a nightmare.. let me wake up. Oh God... I want it to be a bad dream..
that's gonna end, please God! You said you were with me.. you made me believe
it was going to be all right, but it's not all right!' he was screaming in
silence
"Once you are medically
stabilized we'll send you over to our Rehabilitation Center. Physical and
Occupational Therapy will begin here on the acute side of the hospital, as soon
as your injuries heal enough that the pain is tolerable. John, we will do
everything we can to help you recover to the maximum of your potential, but a
lot of what happens depends on you. I know that this is a lot to deal with
right now... but do you have any questions about what I've told you so
far?"
Seeing that it was simply too much
for John to take in all at once, Marlena asked the questions, "How long
will it be before we have any real indication of what kind of return he'll
get?"
"The first week is absolutely
critical.. if we see some return of sensation and motor function within the
first 24 to 48 hours that will be a very good sign... If there isn't any
movement within the first week, then that will tell us the opposite. It's a day
by day situation at this point. The best we can do for John now, is administer
the high dose steroids and the GM-1 to minimize the swelling and resulting
nerve cell damage. Then we watch and wait and maximize whatever return we see
as the swelling recedes. Now.. John, would you like me to do the hands on
demonstration?"
He simply shook his head slightly and
closed his eyes, fighting back more tears. He didn't want to cry in front of
the doctors, but it was too much to deal with it at the moment. Tears started
to flow lightly as he realized he couldn't even turn his head away from them to
hide his eyes. There was some sort of strange brace around his head and neck
now, and it was fastened down around his chest too, firmly controlling any
movement. All John could do was lie flat on the bed and stare out of mostly
blind eyes. It was absolutely terrifying for him, and as hard as he tried, he
couldn't completely hold back the flood of tears.
Again, Marlena looked up at the
physicians, and said on his behalf, "Maybe later, thank you doctor, you've
been honest and very informative, and that's what we need right now."
Mike squeezed her hand before
leaving and said, "Call me if you need anything. Hang in there."
John was silent, Marlena nodded
tearfully and turned back to her husband. She could see the signs--he was
pulling inward, withdrawing from her, from everything. "John.. don't you
give up.. there is reason for hope.."
For the longest time he didn't say
anything at all and she was desperate to make a connection, to keep him focused
on external reality, on something positive. "Honey.. please.. don't close
yourself off. Talk to me.. tell me what you're thinking, what you're
feeling."
"Hope," he said
sarcastically through moist eyes, "yea.. right.. hope. That was a lot of I
don't know, maybe and we'll wait and see. They don't know anything! I could be
like this for the rest of my life, Doc! I told you to have them pull the plug
and you didn't! I am so ANGRY with you!" he shouted as loud as his limited
lung capacity would allow. His expression was searing, and the undercurrent of
helpless all encompassing fear was heartbreaking to witness.
Marlena was weeping with terror
about what the future held in store too, but she argued her point firmly,
"No you're not.. you're scared, John! You're scared to death.. but you
know what.. so am I! I'm scared enough for both of us, but we took wedding vows
tonight, John, remember? For better for worse, in sickness and in health. Well,
I meant them, did you?"
His voice trembled and his lips
quivered as he spoke to her about it, "Oh, of course I did.. Marlena.. but
I never thought... Oh, God Doc.. I can't go to the bathroom, I can't... even
turn my head now, Doc! I can't see you and I can't move anything! I'm so
afraid, Marlena.. Oh, God I'm so scared!" he cried out in agony about what
lay ahead for him, for both of them. "Doc.. what if.. What if I'm always
like this?" he asked her in desperation.
After wiping the moisture from her
eyes, she started gently stroking his hair, and shared her feelings with him,
"Oh, honey... me too. I'm frightened out of my mind, but I'm here,
baby.... I'll always be here, John. I am your wife and I will NOT leave you, no
matter how bad it gets.. because I love you, and you have to believe in me, and
in us, and accept that fact."
"Oh.. Doc, I do... I love you
so much.. I just don't want to be a burden to you.. You deserve so much
better.. I wanted.. Oh, Marlena.. we didn't even get to have a honeymoon.. I'm
so sorry!" He was fighting back the choking sobs that beckoned, wishing it
all away, going over the incident in his mind, "I never should have tried
to sneak off and get married.. it's all my fault. If I just would have been
more patient.. this wouldn't have happened. Please forgive me, Doc!"
Touching his face again, she
admonished him, speaking passionately of her joy about their time together
earlier in the day, "John... you stop it right there! You made me feel so
happy today.. so cherished.. so.. loved, and being with you at the bed and
breakfast in the woods was so amazing. I got to dance with you as your wife,
and the love we made.. it was wonderful, John. It was magical.. like a dream
come true and I don't regret it at all. You did nothing wrong and this is not
your fault. It's Roman's." She felt the rage burning inside her as the
images of John's bloody body lying helpless on the couch at the Penthouse came
to mind. "He did this to you and
he will pay for it, John. I promise you that."
"Marlena... I tried to calm
him down, to get him to face the truth, Doc.. but he was wild, out of control.
He was so drunk.. and so angry and bitterly jealous. I guess I shouldn't have
been so confrontational.. I didn't think he would really.. shoot me. I should
have..."
"No..John.. don't do this,
don't second guess yourself. You did the best you could with a horrible
situation. And you survived honey.. you're alive and I thank God for that. I
thank God, John.. because.. I couldn't bear the thought of losing you honey..
and you...saved my life, John.. You are such a hero to me!" Marlena was
sobbing, crying harder than he was at that point, but it was a tossup. She
leaned down over him, wishing she could actually hold him to show him how much
she loved him and how much she appreciated what he sacrificed for her.
John returned that passion as he
told her what he was thinking at the time, "You know I'd do anything for
you, Marlena. All I could think of was getting you to safety; whatever happened
to me didn't matter at all. You are more important to me than anything else on
the planet and I'd do it again in a heartbeat, Doc."
Still crying, amazed by the
unselfish nature of his love, she expressed hers for him, "Yes, I do know
that, and I love you for it. And I would do anything for you too, including
whatever it takes to get you out of this bed and walking again. You can be
angry with me, you can scream and yell at me, you can curse at me.... anything,
John.. if it helps you get well. I'll take it all because you are worth it,
honey. I love you so much!"
John was moved by the depths of her
love also and he found it motivating. "Oh, Marlena.. you amaze me, lady..
I love you so much.. I won't give up, Doc. I promise you…once I... get.. past
the.. shock of it, I'm gonna fight with everything I've got and then one day..
we're going to have a real wedding with all our friends and family, and I'm
going to walk into that church and stand up front waiting for a vision of loveliness
called Marlena Evans to glide gracefully down the aisle to me," he
finished proudly.
"That's Marlena Evans-Black,
my dear and don't you ever forget it."
He actually smiled at that thought.
"Yea.. that's right.. you're my wife now. Mrs, John Black.. I kinda like
the sound of that. So, Doc... how do you like the honeymoon suite? I picked it
myself," he said, trying to make himself laugh through the tears.
Marlena smiled, thinking how
incredible he really was to even be able to joke at all. She scooted the chair
over and snuggled up closer to his face, saying encouragingly, "Oh,
honey... it's alright, baby.. somehow it's going to be alright." They fell
into an exhausted sleep and rested for a few hours that way, Marlena's head
lying as lightly on his chest as possible.
As the sun's rays began to filter
in through the mini-blinds, the occupants of the room began to stir. John's
eyelids fluttered and he blinked rapidly several times, trying to make sense of
what was happening. Then he figured it out, there was hair in front of his
eyes.. it was Marlena's hair and he couldn't just feel it, he was seeing it.
"Doc.. wake up.. honey.. I think.. I think I can see, Doc!" he said
excitedly.
She popped to attention at those
words, "What.. oh... John.. what did you just say?" she asked,
willing what she thought she heard to be true. Please God, let it be true..
give us anything positive to build on, she thought.. just something!'
For her benefit as well as his own,
he said, "I think I can.. see your hair.. I can... see the shape of your
face." It was becoming a little clearer as time passed.
Marlena started weeping with joy,
as she came to realize that it wasn't just wishful thinking, he might actually
be regaining his sight, "Oh, John... I'm so glad.. honey. What else.. tell
me what else," she said anxiously.
"Uh... the sun.. the
sunlight.. it's coming through the window.. it's morning now... right?"
"Yes.. oh, yes.. John...
YES!" she cried, weeping tears of joy. At least there was some hope now.
"I'm going to get the specialist, I'll be right back." She started to
leave and then stopped, realizing she'd forgotten to kiss him. Leaning down
over him, she kissed his forehead and then his lips. She wanted him to feel
good and she made the kiss long and lingering and didn't stop until she heard
him moan slightly.
He didn't want her to go, but
somehow it was all right this time, "Oh.. Doc.. I love you.. It's okay..
go on.. you know I'm not going anywhere."
Marlena raced out the door, and was
surprised to see Mike and the Opthamologist at the nurses's station already. It
was very early on New Year's Day now. She wasn't about to question it, however,
and she cried with excitement, "Mike.. John's getting his sight back, he
could see my hair and he knows the sun is coming up; he saw the rays coming
through the window, and he could see the shape of my face!"
Mike was so pleased to see her
smile and speak with such enthusiasm. It was a relief to him that there was
some good news early on. It would give John some hope to build on. "Oh,
Marlena.. that's great news!" he said. Then he and Dr. Bill Carrigan, who
had been called in to address that specific problem, smiled at each other,
having just talked about this hoped for this turn of events. Then, the two men
rose and followed her quickly back to the room.
Sandra H. Bondelier
1998-2004