SOMETHING IN THE
WAY SHE MOVES
Marlena watched him
standing out on the terrace, leaning on the rail, looking out over the city of
Salem, as if admiring the Christmas lights. That was only an excuse to step
outside into the frosty night air. She
was worried about him; he'd been so quiet since the session earlier that day,
the second one with Greta. John still hadn't remembered anything of substance
on his own and it was clearly upsetting him to be dependent on someone else's
recollections. She empathized with him, finally acknowledging despite her fears
how frustrating it must be.
At the same time,
Marlena was cognizant of the reality that no one could truly understand what it
felt like not to know one's own history, to not remember the love of parents or
siblings, to have no memories of a childhood. Things like learning to ride a
bike, or hitting a home run, Birthday parties, pancake breakfasts on Saturday
mornings, and Christmas trees surrounded by gifts and the love of family and
friends gathering round to share the festivities. Marlena treasured those
memorable moments in her life, but all John's memories of those kinds of
experiences belonged to another man. The more she thought about it, the more
Marlena began to understand how important it must be for him. He couldn't even
answer Brady's simple question about how he celebrated Thanksgiving and
Christmas when he was growing up, because he didn't know. John Black had no
stories to tell his children and it caused him anguish he didn't often share
with anyone, not even Marlena Evans, his best friend, soulmate, lover, and
hopefully...soon to be wife. But that didn't mean he wasn't hurting all those
years.
She realized it
now... though outwardly he exhibited anger; that was just the typical male way
of covering up the pain. Marlena knew that from years of experience as a
therapist and as a woman who knew this man better than he knew himself. When it
came to the pain life so often brought him, John was such a private man, but
this wound went deep, all the way to his soul, she surmised. Marlena stood
there wondering what she could do or say to help him with it, without causing
more tension between them and without losing him in the ultimate sense. Their
love was strong and true, but she believed that if he learned of some hideous
misdeed, whether forced by Stefano or not, he might feel compelled to leave her
to protect her from himself or from some presumed threat of danger to her
and/or the children. Of course, John steadfastly denied it, refusing to
acknowledge even the remote possibility that it could be the end result of his
quest.
So, as much as she
wanted him to feel complete and fulfilled within himself, Marlena admitted that
she didn't want him to uncover his long buried past. Is that selfish of me? Am
I being unfair to him? He's been without these memories for so long; it must be
so unsettling to know that all this time they've been there, locked up
somewhere deep inside his mind. How frustrating it must be, to accept the fact
that Stefano and perhaps Greta knew more about his life than he ever would. 'Oh..
John.. I'm trying to understand,' she said to herself quietly with a weary
fearful sigh, wishing they could both get what they wanted, without any further
emotional turmoil.
However, she knew
that it simply wasn't possible. No matter which way they turned along the path
they were traveling, there would be some difficult times ahead. Taking a deep
breath and letting it out, she stepped out onto the terrace and paused, giving
him time to adjust to her presence there. When she heard his soft sigh, she
approached him without a word, wrapping her loving arms around him from behind,
resting her head on his right shoulder. "John... honey.. you've been so quiet tonight, how are you
doing?" she asked after a minute had passed.
There's
something in the way she moves
Or looks my way
or calls my name
That seems to
leave this troubled world behind.......
He shrugged
uncertainly and tried to pass it off with a one word answer,
"Fine..."
"John... this
is me... I know you're not fine... talk to me.." she said, inviting him to
share his feelings with her.
Still not looking
at her, he sighed frustratedly, and then replied, "Doc... what is there to
say? You don't want me to pursue it... what good's it gonna do to talk with you
about it. You don't understand this... maybe you never did." He sounded
angry, almost bitter and she hated to see that destructive emotion developing.
John was not one to harbor resentment, except in regard to Stefano Dimera, the
man who had stolen away the life he was so desperately trying to recapture, in
the process hurting him beyond most people's ability to comprehend.
Careful not to
upset the situation further, she agreed with him, thinking honesty was best,
"No, John... I don't.. I wish I could, but I've been realizing today,
maybe for the first time, that no one can really understand what you're going
through right now or what you've been through all these years.. how much it
must hurt you not to know about your life. But, honey... I've decided I want to
try... because I love you."
Or troubled by
some foolish game
She always seems
to make me change my mind......
Just hearing her
say those words touched him in indescribable ways.. her love was an amazing and
unstoppable force, and it had seen him through the worst times of his life.
John turned toward her, wanting to explain. His lips quivered slightly and his
voice trembled as he tried to share how it felt to be assured of her support, "Oh,
Doc... you can't.. know how much it means... to have you in my life... to have
you by my side through this thing. I'm sorry that I've been.. so preoccupied
with it.. but it's been so long, Doc... and it feels like I'm this
close.." he said, holding his right thumb and forefinger a quarter inch
apart. "Closer than I've ever been to getting it back... I just... need to
know..." His eyes were glistening with mixed emotions, and she knew in
that instant that she could do nothing other than love and support him in his
quest for answers, no matter where it led them.
Reaching out to
touch his face, she spoke with tears of concern in her eyes, "Oh...
baby... I know you do. I'm just so scared, John... so afraid of losing you...
and I'm starting to think that part of the reason you haven't remembered your
past is that there is something horrible there.. something your mind has
protected you from all these years. And, when you.. remember it.... I'll lose
you.."
I feel fine any
time that she's around me
She's around me now
almost all the time...
Taking her by the
upper arms, he stared directly into her worried eyes which were moist with
tears, beseeching her to have faith in their love, "No.. Doc... I don't
care what I learn about my past... it's not going to change anything for me...
at least not anything about our love.. I can... No, *we* can handle whatever's
there, Doc.. I know that for a fact. Our love has already been tested by fire
and it's come out stronger for it... Nothing can keep us apart now, Marlena...
you need to believe in that."
And if I'm well
you can tell that she's been with me now
She's been with
me now... quite a long long time
And I feel
fine...
"Oh.. I want
to, John... you can't know how much I want to believe that... but I'm
worried... After what Stefano said."
"Forget what
Dimera said... you're wasting your time with him. He wouldn't know the truth if
it smacked him right in the face. Forget about him, he's just trying to stop me
from revealing some secret about his dirty dealings..or ruining some master
plan of his..."
"But honey...
that's exactly the point... he has a master plan and that includes hurting you.
He hasn't stopped hating you... you know that. It frightens me, John.... and
the closer you get to uncovering those secrets, the more dangerous it's going
to be for you.. please.. at least consider what I'm saying," she pleaded,
trying not to sound the part of the weak woman.
He understood her
perspective, having already worked that part of it through in his mind. "I
have, Doc... but I decided that knowing about my past is important enough to
take the risk and that I can handle whatever comes with it. He won't hurt you
or the kids... he knows he's lost you for good now. So, don't worry so
much," he said taking her hands in his, and flashing her a reassuring
smile, hoping he'd convinced her but sensing he hadn't.
It didn't work, not
in the slightest and she felt the tears welling up behind her eyes again,
saying as she turned away from him, "That's easy for you to say... John..
but when I think about all of this... I think of Maison Blanche... I think of
Paris... and even Aremid... Honey.. he's tortured you.. he brainwashed you..
and he tried to kill you.. more than once... As long as that... *monster* is
alive I will never stop worrying about you.. don't you know that?" She was
crying out of her fear for his safety, her body trembling, worried that if John
got too close, Stefano would hold him hostage again, or worse.
Taking her gently
into the warmth and comfort of his arms, John brushed the tears from her face
and spoke tenderly, "Hey... hey... Shh...come on... that's over now. He'll
never take me again... I won't let him.. It's okay... I can handle the Old
Man..." John said, working at sounding completely confidant in his assertion,
for her benefit. Yet, her words had taken him back to a dark place in his mind,
a place of overwhelming emotion he had never shared with anyone. God was the
only one who knew it was there. Hidden well below the surface of his masculine
pride and virility was a vulnerable core filled with gutwrenching fear and
horror about what that other man had done to him, about what might happen
again, at any given point in time if the bastard were threatened by something
John discovered about his past.
Every now and
then the things I lean on lose their meaning
And I find
myself careening
Into places
where I should not let me go........
An hour later when
she came down after having taken a shower, he was in that same spot, still
immersed in troubled thought. 'Oh, John... I didn't mean to remind you....
How can I reach you? Suddenly, it dawned on her what to do. She made a
couple of phone calls and in a matter of minutes, everything was all set, a way
to get his mind off what he'd lost and couldn't seem to recapture, focused
instead on their many blessings.
She has the
power to go where no one else can find me
Yes, and to
silently remind me of the happiness
and good times
that I know.....
Before he realized
it, another hour had passed in which all he did was mull over the events of the
past few weeks since Greta had come to Salem. Suddenly, there was a commotion
behind him, the sound of children
giggling and cheerful voices. Jarred from his quiet contemplation, he turned
around to see the most of the Brady clan gathered at the doorstep, Shawn and
Caroline, Bo and Hope and Shawn D, Carrie, Austin, even Sami, who was holding
Will, and Eric, all with bright smiling faces. And, of course, his own two
little cherubs piped up to answer his unspoken questions, "Daddy... we're
going to see the Lights at the Zoo... Mommy says it's time to do something
really fun to remember all the good things. Isn't that a great idea?"
He sighed happily
and smiled warmly in response as his children rushed forward to embrace him, at
the same time as he looked up at his lady love, mouthing a quick, 'Thank
you,' before answering his son's question. "Yes, Slugger... that's a
terrific idea and your Mother is absolutely right." Looking about the
room, he sighed contentedly, happy to see that his *family* had all come out to
help bring him out of his funk. With the results of a simple phone call from
the woman he loved, his mood was transformed, and he was changing gears, his
focus squarely on the positive." This is the time of year when we should
be very thankful for all the blessings in our lives."
Knowing what was
up, having seen the same expression in Hope's eyes, Bo was anxious to follow
that trend, "So, what are we waiting for... let's go see the lights...
"
Hope jumped right
in, understanding from what Marlena had said as well as her own experiences,
exactly what was going on with John. "Yes, I hear they've changed the
display this year... it's supposed to be spectacular."
Sami was next,
saying enthusiastically as she snuggled up to her little boy, "I'm so
excited... Will has never seen it before and he's been talking about the
"kwistmas wights" for at least a week now. Thanks for calling me,
Mom... I was so glad to be reminded of it... you know... with everything that's
been happening, I'd forgotten. I would have been so upset if..."
Austin touched Sami
on the sleeve, redirecting her, "Hey... we're not going to think about
that tonight... we're here to have fun together... as a family.. right?"
he encouraged.
"Right...
together... " Carrie agreed, giving her younger sister a friendly,
supportive smile she hadn't mustered before. Somehow, seeing everyone together
had its impact. And, knowing what John was working on made her value what she
had too... After all was said and done, Sami was still her sister and that had
to count for something, especially at Christmas time.
Marlena and
Caroline looked at each other, their eyes exchanging volumes of meaning, seeing
with a mother's gaze. Caroline smiled. She'd helped Marlena with the idea of
what to do that might help John as well as bring the family together in mutual
support of each other at a difficult time for Sami. Finally, Caroline spoke
too, "Well, I'd just like to say that I am so glad to be a part of this
family... you all mean so much to me and to Shawn. Thank you, Marlena for
suggesting we all go out together. I think this is going to be a wonderful
evening..."
But I said I've
just got to know them...
John was a
different man already and Marlena knew she was successful in her efforts to remind
him of what was most important in his life, helping him to put his energy in
the place where he could have the most influence, and find the meaning and
purpose he seemed to be searching so hard for, of late. After playing hostess
for a moment or two, she made her way toward him. Before she got there, he took
her hand and guided her toward the terrace. "Marlena... thank you.. .you
did all this for me... didn't you?" he asked, his face registering the
depth of her love for him in a whole new way.
"Guilty as
charged, Mr. Black... I just wanted to help you remember how much love you have
in your life now... John...and how blessed we are to have each other and the
children..."
Leaning in to brush
her lips with his, John nodded and said sweetly, "Yea... well, it
worked... you amaze me, Marlena... Thank you for.. loving me.. for putting up
with me.. I know you're worried, but I assure you... I'm not going
anywhere." Waving his arms in a broad gesture he added a comment sure to
convince her of his sincerity, "This... right here is where I belong...
and I promise you I won't forget that... not ever, Doc."
It isn't what
she's got to say
Or how she
thinks or where she's been
To me the words
are nice the way they sound...
Relishing the
feeling of being in the strength of his arms as well as hearing the certainty
in his voice, she sighed with relief and said, "Oh, John... you don't know
how much I needed to hear that tonight...
I'm glad I could help... I love you so... "
"And, I love
you, Doc... and the kids... the Brady's.. everybody... I know what's most
important, Doc... I do.. and no matter how desperate I seem right now to get my
past back.. that will never take the highest priority in my life.. If you need
something from me... if I seem to be neglecting you... you just say the word...
and I'll put it on the backburner... okay?" he finished, tenderly
caressing her right cheek with the backs of his bent fingers, a gesture that
sometimes sent shivers up and down her spine. This was one of them, and she
shut her eyes and sighed with pleasure..
She found tears of
joy filling her eyes, and shared it with him, "John... you touch me so...
I appreciate that... and I want you to know... I do understand your need to
find those answers. You have my support... wherever this journey takes us...
you can count on that, honey."
I like to hear
them best that way
It doesn't much
matter what they mean
But, she says
them mostly just to calm me down...
It was incredible
the effect she had on him, though it shouldn't surprise him anymore. It had
always been that way. No matter what was happening, Marlena Evans always found
a way to make him feel better about himself, about his life. Whatever was
troubling him didn't seem so bad when she was with him. She had a way about her,
an innate quality that was indefinable. It wasn't what she said or some
specific thing she did, it was just her presence in his life and her love in
his heart. "Thank you, Doc... I couldn't do it alone... I can't even begin
to imagine what my life would be like without you, and I don't ever want to
find out. I love you more than anything else in this world, Marlena. That's
never gonna change."
I feel fine
anytime she's around me now
She's
around me now almost all the time...
The trip out to see
the Christmas lights was wonderful. The kids loved it, looking at everything
with wide eyes. The adults were amazed by how intricate the displays were...
John and Bo inspecting them closely, analyzing how it was all done, while the
women 'oohed and ahhed,' their way down the meandering pathways around the
Zoological park.
When it was over,
they all went back to the Penthouse for cookies and cocoa. John felt better and
more connected with his present family ties than he had in several months, and
so did Marlena. They were sure of their love now, secure in the warm protection
it offered from the cold world around them. Marlena was glad to see that he
seemed to have his priorities in proper perspective in relation to his search
for answers, and John felt confidant in his decision to pursue his past again,
content with the knowledge that Marlena would be standing beside him every step
of the way. That brought immeasurable comfort to his weary soul.
And if I'm well
you can tell that she's been with me now
She's been with
me now... quite a long long time
Yes and I feel
fine........
Lyics appearing in
body of piece borrowed from song of same title, as performed by James Taylor