I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For
U2 Joshua Tree
I have climbed the highest mountains
I have run through the fields.........
The memories were so powerful, so intense, flashing rapid fire in his mind. Scampering through the jungle with a poison dart in his leg, climbing through dank dark tunnels, running down endless corridors, fighting with Stefano, being beaten by thugs, locked in a cage hardly big enough for a man to stand up, almost dying in the gas chamber, endless hours spent pouring over maps and the eternal helplessness of waiting. Flying off into the night at a moment's notice, searching, wishing, hoping, praying. To find her, to rescue her, to be with her...
Only to be with you..
Marlena watched him packing his bag with an outwardly calm demeanor that unnerved him, not saying a word, not showing any emotion whatsoever, and it hurt him in ways he couldn't describe if someone had asked. They had endured such hardship, together and separately and they were together, in spite of all the pain. But, now.
She had asked him to leave; it was all so unreal.
What was to become of them and the love they said was undeniable, the bond they thought was unbreakable?
What John didn't know was that inside, her heart was
shattering into a million tiny fragments and she was screaming, 'No, John...
no I didn't mean it.... I don't want you to go... please stay... fight with me,
John... convince me I'm wrong... please don't leave me.. DON'T GO!'
Only to be with you............
He didn't understand what was happening any more than she did. How they could be growing apart, now after everything they had been through to be together? It was simply inconceivable to both of them, and yet here they were talking about separating for a time. The pain was nearly unbearable and tears began to fill two sets of disbelieving eyes and two hearts were breaking in the deafening silence as the seconds ticked off the clock on this ordinary January day.
At last John broke that silence to confront it one last time, saying with a tone of exasperation, "Doc... this isn't what *I* want... how can this be what *you* want?"
"John.. it isn't about what either of us wants anymore; it's about what has to be. This isn't working, John... there's something missing and I think you know what that is."
"What... so now we're back to it being my fault... " he said, somehow letting the angry frustration creep back into his voice.
"I didn't say that."
"You didn't have to, Doc."
There was dead silence between them again and he didn't know what to do about it. John felt as though his mind and indeed his entire life was careening out of control, the pain of loss already hitting and they were still in the same room. What would it be like to wake up alone, to try to fall asleep without her? To live in a cold, empty hotel room? The thought of it made his heart ache with a pain he thought he would never have to feel again.
"John... you need this time... and I need to be there for Sami, for Carrie... Austin, Will... there is so much happening and my family needs me."
"Oh, and I don't... is that what you're saying? You think that because I'm so involved with this search for answers, that I don't want you... that I don't need you anymore?"
There was such pain in his eyes, such hurt, but she couldn't take it away. This was something she was compelled to do for him, even if he couldn't understand it now. Marlena was letting him go so that he could put all of himself into the search for those elusive answers. Her fears were holding him back and she knew he wouldn't feel free to pursue them headlong, if he were worried about her safety or concerned about her feelings.
"John... please.... we've been over this... "
"And, we'll keep on going over it until I can understand it.... Marlena... I love you and I don't want this!!! Can't you *see* that?" he said, nearly slamming the duffle bag against the far wall.
She flinched at his vehemence, but stood her ground, forcing him to accept it, "Well, I do, John..... this *is* what I want... I want you to go. Go, and find the answers you need so desperately! I'll be here... when you're finished... if you still want me."
John was hurting beyond belief... grasping her shoulders between his hands, he tried to impart his reaction to her comments, "If... IF I still want you... Marlena... I want you now! A life with you and the kids is all I've dreamed of for so long. I don't want to leave! You are everything to me, Doc! "
Shaking her head, she said sadly, "No... No, I'm not, John... I used to think that.. but not any more. I've finally realized that there is something that I can't give you, John... something you have to go out there and find. And being here... with me... and the children... it's only holding you back. So.. go... with my blessing, John... go and find your past... and when you've found it, you come back to me and we'll talk."
I have run
I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
Only to be with you..........
Again, the memories were right there, the emotions so strong, the images so vivid. The affair and all that went with it. That first time on the plane when they tried to say a last goodbye. John shut his eyes and he could almost feel her breath on his skin, her hot tears on his neck.
All the desperate stolen moments, the intensity of the love they made, the aching burning desire to be with her at any cost. There were moments when he would have died to be with her, when he would have killed to be with her. At last he had her in his life again, and what was happening between them? None of it made any sense.
But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for........
As much as it hurt, as much as it made his heart ache with an unfathomable sense of loss, John finally began to accept the reality of what she was saying and to understand her position. She didn't want to be blamed or resented for keeping him from finding out about his past. As much as he said he could research it from Salem, there was a part of him that knew he needed to go to Europe again and spend a prolonged period there, delving into historical records, etc. to research his life there. John acknowledged the truth of what she was saying. "Oh, Marlena... I don't know what to say... you know I want to marry you... and we were apart for so long... how can you tell me to go now... when we finally have a chance to be together... when we're finally free to marry?"
But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for.........
The sadness in her voice and in her eyes was almost enough to strike him down on the spot; the fact that he couldn't argue with her was killing him. "Because....we're not free, John... and we never will be until you do this... you know that too... don't you? That's the real reason we haven't set a date.You know that and I know that.. all this with Sami and Franco..... that was just the excuse we made, John.... the truth is... there is more unfinished business."
"My unfinished business..." he said softly, not looking at her. He paused for a long while and then finally worked up the nerve to ask her a question as he resumed the difficult task of packing his things, "Marlena.. are you.. angry with me? Do you blame me ?"
"No..." she started to say, wanting to save him the pain of feeling guilty about it, then changed her mind. She wanted and needed him, but not the way he was, his heart and mind divided, his focus elsewhere much of the time. Yet, it was a choice. "Yes... yes, I do.. and myself as well. I *hate* this! I really do!"
"Then why...."
She cut him off sharply, "Oh, stop it.... just stop it, John! You know why, now just... go, before we both end up saying things we don't want to say... things we might regret later.. please, John.."
"Marlena... I love you... more than my own life... I hope you know that."
She only smiled in return and muttered under her breath, "I used to, John..."
John tipped her head up, wanting to leave her with something to remember him by, with a kiss that lingered long after he'd gone. For long moments, he rested his cheek on hers, as if to memorize what it felt like to have her skin against his. And then he allowed his lips to hover near to hers an inch or so away. Slowly, his tongue slipped inside the warm moist confines of her mouth, and embraced hers, the movements starting quietly, but swiftly building in intensity. Soon, the embers were ignited, the flames burning bright and hot, their desire for each other increasing by the second, the touch of their hands fueling that passionate fire.
I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing in her fingertips.........
Moans of desire were escaping; they were almost panting with the need of one another and John suddenly realized that if he seized the moment, if he made love to her now, then maybe she would change her mind and all would be forgotten. Their lovemaking was such a powerful part of their relationship and if he were successful, this would be a minor glitch along the timeline of their love.
It burned like fire
This burning desire...
He moved to unbutton her blouse and had it nearly removed as he unzipped her skirt, letting it fall to the ground. She began to fight it, pulling away. He crushed her to him, his body screaming for release, his desire more intense than at almost any other time in their history. "No, John... this isn't the way... " she cried in anguish, feeling conflicted even as she tried to put him off.
John wasn't listening to reason, his fear of losing her, his passion so strong it was all he could attend to at the moment. Intensifying the kiss, John laid her down on the bed, then climbed on top, his hands moving across the nearly bare surface of her skin with expertise that was unmatched by any other lover. She was becoming lost in sensation... as she always did with him. ‘No... this isn't right...' her mind told her... but her body was losing ground as he continued to kiss and touch her in irresistible ways.. "Oh.. John... Oh..." she moaned, a part of her still fighting, the other ready to surrender completely to his powerful moves and his deep moist kisses.
"I want you... I'll always want you... " he said in a breathless whisper, desperate to take her, his hands frantic to remove his pants and become one flesh with the most beautiful woman he'd ever laid eyes on.
I have spoken with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone.........
Abruptly... she pushed him off and scrambled out from underneath, leaving him breathing heavily, her own breathing quite rapid and her heart rate elevated. "I said NO!" she yelled, incensed at what he tried to do. "John... that was a terrible thing to do... using our lovemaking... to hold onto me... to make me change my mind... Is this what we've become, John... You resort to using sex... to keep me?" she finished raspily, while gathering her clothes around her suddenly chilled and trembling body.
What I'm looking for...
He hung his head, feeling ashamed of himself. John had never once truly felt ashamed of his need for her, of the desire that flared without a moment's notice; not even during the affair when he worked so hard to deny it, nor when the affair was revealed.
But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for............
But he was ashamed of it now and of his own behavior. But desperate times called for desperate measures. These surely qualified as desperate times if ever there were any.
I believe in the Kingdom Come
Then all the colors will bleed into one
But yes I'm still running...
He tried to touch her, to put a hand on her shoulder. She was shivering and John willed her to accept his overture, but she rejected it, shrugging out of his grasp, turning her body away from him. The pain grew worse as each moment passed. "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry, Doc... I just.... don't want to lose you... and I'm afraid... of what's going to happen to us... if I go now, like you asked. I thought that if.. I reminded you of how good we are... then maybe you'd let me stay."
You broke the bonds
You loosened the chains
You carried the cross
And my shame..
That made her angry, very angry and so frustrated. She whirled around to face him, wanting him to see the fury in her fiery eyes, "You think I've forgotten.... That's what this is about? You think I don't know how good we are? No... John... don't you see... that's the whole point! I *remember* how good we are... and *that* is precisely why I asked you to go. I want us to find that kind of love again! I want you back... I want the man I fell in love with... but he's not here right now. He's gone away to some... far away place where I can't reach him.... I can’t reach him…” Her voice trailed off, the deep sadness and fear she was feeling replacing the anger with which she'd started.
John was desperate to convince her she was wrong but every time he opened his mouth it seemed as though what he said only made things worse. Still, he knew he had to try. "No... No, that's not true, Doc.. I'm right here... I'm here with you now... and I love you.. " he said reaching for her shoulders again. A sigh of relief escaped as she allowed it. Maybe there was some hope left.
Shaking her head again, she stared into his confusion and willed him to accept what she was saying. "No, John.... I know that you love me... I'm not questioning that... what I'm saying is that... you need these answers... in order to move forward. I understand that... I do, or at least I'm trying to.. but you won't find them if you're concerned about me... if you have to keep assuaging my fears. If you stay... you'll resent me.. maybe not now... maybe not next month or even next year.... but someday."
And my shame...........
John wanted to argue with her. He wanted to tell her that nothing mattered except her and the children, that he could give it up, he wanted to tell her she was completely wrong in her assumptions, and he wanted to finish what he'd started. He did none of those things. Instead, he dropped his head and said nothing at all, looking down at the duffle bag, which was now mostly packed, wondering how he would find the strength to walk out the door and leave her of his own accord. The awkward silence descended again, as they stood there, neither knowing how they would survive yet another moment of parting.
She was watching him finish the packing and a thought occurred. "Don't forget your wool socks... I washed them and put them near the heating vent over there," Marlena finally said, pointing it out to him.
"Thanks..." he said as he swiftly retrieved them. He couldn't help but laugh at the ordinary married couple exchange, at the fact that after such an intense argument, she wanted to make sure he had his warmest clothes for his trip.
"What's so funny?" she asked with an involuntary sad sort of smile, guessing, but wanting to hear him say it.
"Oh... you.. me... talking about socks... It's nice..." There was a long pause and he wanted to fill the emptiness inside them both, to bridge the gap that was opening up between them, but he didn't know how and tears began to form behind his melancholy blue eyes. John looked up and she was weeping, unable to hold back the flood of fearful emotion any longer. His lips trembled as he made one last plea, "Oh.. Doc... I don't... want... to walk out that door. We said we'd never do this again... Isn't there some other way?" he pleaded, his voice quavering as the tears began to leak out around the edges.
You know I believed it...
She nodded, crying steadily but resolute, "Give it up.....for good." Again, there was an uncomfortable uncompromising silence that seemed to increase the space between then. They stood frozen in place, each wishing to give what the other needed most, but unable to find that ability within.
But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for..........
He shut his eyes again. The pain was worse than he even imagined and yet, he couldn't do it. John knew in his heart of hearts that she was right and he had to find those answers before he could feel settled with what had come before and move forward with his life in the present. He was compelled to know. "I.... I.. can't, Marlena.... I'm so sorry.... "
That was it then; everything had been said. Now it was time for farewell. "I thought as much..... Goodbye, John," she said, as the tears made a steady stream down her flushed red cheeks.
"Goodbye, Doc... I love you." John turned and slung the bag over his shoulders, then rushed down the stairs and out the door without looking back, knowing that if he did he couldn't go. And he *had* to go.
But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for...........
Inspired by song of same title, as performed by U2