TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART
Turn around
Every now and then I get a little bit lonely
and you're never coming around.....
John was alone in the loft, again, and she had just left. It was agony to say goodbye whenever they parted. He wanted her to stay.. he wanted more than anything else to hold her and kiss her, to caress her silky hair and velvety soft skin. There weren't words to describe how desperately he wanted to make love to her, to be the one she went home to at night, but that was not to be. She belonged to the man who owned the name he believed was his for so many years. He popped open a can of beer and tried to drown his sorrows, not understanding why he kept trying. It hadn't worked yet. 'Well, there's a first time for everything,' he mused as he downed nearly a third of the can in one long guzzle, hoping it would numb the pain.
Turn around
Every now and then I get a little bit tired of
listening to the sound of my tears
Marlena drove home, fighting back the emotions that always flooded through her body when she left him all alone at the loft, alone with only memories of happy times. It hurt more than she could describe to look in his mournful blue eyes, those eyes that once sparkled with sheer delight to be with her. But, that could never be, she had given her heart to Roman Brady, the real Roman. Therefore, all she could ever share with John was friendship. It was killing them both to try to pretend that was the case, that they were only friends, when they both knew it was so much more than that. They had always known it, even when he was with Isabella, his love for Marlena was there as an undercurrent, as was hers for him.
Turn around
Every now and then I get a little bit nervous that
the best of all the years have gone by........
As he laid down next to his tiny boy, seeking companionship, his mind went back in time several years, to the months right after she told him she believed he was her beloved husband come back from the dead. It made his heart leap with joy and he wanted to sing out his love for her. That first day was like a numbing but very wonderful shock and then slowly with her encouragement, he let himself believe it was real. She loved him for the person he was with her; she didn't care that he didn't remember that other life, and there were no words to accurately describe the depth and breadth of what he felt for her. Sometimes, he couldn't help but wonder, Was that all there was for him in life, that brief shining moment? Did he have his glory days and now all that was left was to finish out his life alone?
Turn around
Every now and then I get a little bit terrified
and then I see the look in your eyes.....
Marlena recalled the look of smoldering passion behind his eyes. He wanted her like never before and she wasn't doing very much to discourage him. It felt so good to be that desired, that cherished; she certainly didn't have that at home these days. John wanted to spend as much time with her as possible and their time together was always enjoyable. They didn't fight, they discussed issues. He respected her and valued her opinions, and he was never condescending or controlling like her husband. ‘Watch it, Marlena... you're comparing them again.’
Turn around bright eyes
Every now and then I fall apart.....
The more he thought about what she meant to him, the more he stared at the watch she had given him out of gratitude, the more it hurt, the more his heart ached to be with her. "To J from M, thanks for giving me time... time... Time took you away from me, Doc.. Oh, how I still love you... I think I always will." Suddenly, he found himself near tears at the thought of never again holding her like he once did and he cursed his fate and his tormentor, "Damn you Dimera.. Damn you for doing this to us!!"
Turn around bright eyes
Every now and then I fall apart...
As she looked at the small picture she carried with her, one of John and his little toddler Brady Victor, she found herself drifting back in time, to those early days of their relationship and it made her cry. "Oh, John... I loved you so much..." 'Marlena admit it, at least to yourself... you still do.. love him.' She gave the question of her conscience a soft reply, "Yes... I do still love him.. God forgive me, but I never stopped loving him." That acknowledgement led her to break down in tears and she had to pull off to the shoulder and stop the car.
Turn around
Every now and then I get a little bit restless
and I dream of something wild......
Those crazy ideas started to run through his mind again and he fantasized about running away with her. John had the whole scenario mapped out in his mind. He would create some kind of an excuse that she had to meet him someplace and then he would whisk her away to some private island paradise where it would be just the two of them and their feelings for each other. John was firmly convinced that if he could get her alone, she would admit to the love he sometimes sensed from her in the seconds before she turned away and shut those emotions down again. And then, who knew what might happen between them?
Turn around
Every now and then I get a little bit helpless
and I'm lying like a child in your arms.......
As her hands played with the charm bracelet he had given her, Marlena remembered what it was like in that warehouse and how very frightened and vulnerable she felt just before he gently wrapped his strong protective arms around her. It was as if he were able to ward off any and all danger simply by holding her in his warm embrace, keeping even a building from crushing them to death. He would have sacrificed his life for hers in a flat second without a moment's hesitation and she knew what that meant then, and now. John loved her with all of his heart and sooner or later the two of them were going to be placed in a situation where one or both of them began to act on their true feelings for each other.
Turn around
Every now and then I get a little bit angry
and I know I've got to get out and cry......
Finding himself becoming angry at Stefano was not helping matters. It only served to fuel his irrational jealousy of Roman, when it was John who stole that other man's life for nearly seven years. How could he be jealous of Roman taking back what was rightfully his? Rational or not, that was how he felt. John was all alone with very few memories of his own. The only ones that were clear belonged to another man and the best ones of all involved being with the woman he loved, but the memories were tainted somehow because so many of them he didn't even make, and the ones that were his didn't seem to matter any more. She had recommitted herself to the genuine article, and he was left out in the cold dark night.
Turn around
Every now and then I get a little bit terrified
but then I see the look in your eyes...
Besides the expression of desire he let slip through, there was a look of compassion and understanding she saw there in his eyes and face. She was touched by it and found that when things seemed to be at their worst, she remembered that look and it helped in some small way. Being understood was almost the most important aspect of any relationship and they had always had that. It was special. It wasn't so much the things they said, but more the way they looked at each other. He talked to her with his eyes and those baby blues spoke volumes of his concern for her welfare.
Turn around bright eyes
Every now and then I fall apart......
He cried for the loss of what might have been and wondered if maybe in the distant future they would find their way back to each other. Then he snapped out of his reverie, realizing he was only hurting himself, but holding out even a glimmer of hope. "No.. stop it, John.. that part of your life is over.. You aren't him and you can *never* have her like that again, so just get it out of your crazy head. The sooner you accept it, the better it's going to be!" he said to himself through the tears of grief that were flowing freely by that point.
Turn around bright eyes
Every now and then I fall apart.......
She cried for that same loss and also pondered the 'what if 'questions that had plagued her for years now. "Oh, John... I'm sorry I can't give you my heart.. but it belongs to Roman now.. I wish you could just accept it and move on.. find someone new again." That still small voice wasn't nearly so small or still, as it confronted her about her true feelings. ‘Oh please... Marlena, just who do you think you're fooling? You don't want him to move on.. that's the last thing you want and you know it! You haven't done anything to discourage him when he looks at you like he wants you desperately, not a darn thing. Admit it.. you love how it feels to have him desire you that way... don't you?’ In the instant she examined herself, she had to admit that it was all true and she broke down completely, feeling guilty for how she was dealing with John. She was hurting him terribly by not giving him a clear message about her intentions, and then it occurred to her to ask the question of herself. ‘Just what exactly are your intentions young lady?’
And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever........
And if you'll only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
We'll only be making it right
Cause we'll never be wrong together.....
John couldn't sleep for thinking of her, so he decided to leave Brady to his peaceful slumber and go on up to the rooftop. As soon as he was there, he looked up and found Isabella's star and began to speak to her, as he often did. "Well.. Izzy B.. I sure am in quite a fix this time. I think you know how I feel about Doc... but then you always did, didn't you.. you understood it. Anyway.. the fact is, I love her very much and I want her back.. Now, here's the thing.. I know it's wrong.. but I can't help what I feel inside and I can sense it from her sometimes... and I'm trying to decide what to do about it... Should I tell her.. and try to win her back?"
As he reviewed a possible scenario in which she was in his arms again... a smile graced his face, but then was soon replaced with an expression mimicking regret when he envisioned her in tears after being rejected by her children, the Brady's, everyone.. for leaving such a good man. In his imagining, they all hated him for ruining a wonderful family... "No... I can't do it to her.. I can't hurt her like that. I have to give her up and leave town, that's the only way... isn't it?"
We can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time.....
Marlena finally made her way home, thankful that Roman was out on a stakeout. She did everything she possibly could to distract herself, to think of anyone or anything besides John Black. She failed miserably. His face kept appearing in the magazines and on the televsion screen, and sometimes he seemed so sad and lonely to her in those images. No matter where she was or what she was doing, he was in her thoughts and in her heart. Marlena stopped to consider how it was that the strong passion she had for him was rekindled. It started out when she was trying to help him get through the devastating loss of his new wife... but it soon changed and they both knew deep inside their hearts. It was something she fought hard to deny, to push down but day by day, she found herself in a losing battle. Her love for and attraction to John were increasing and the danger of being around him was at the same time frightening as it was enticing, much like the story of the moth and the flame. Anything could happen at any given moment.
I don't know what to do
And I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight..............
John knew he couldn't stay in Salem much longer because his desire for Marlena was growing stronger with each day that passed. As the intensity of his grief about Isabella's death began to lessen, he found his thoughts turned to Marlena more and more and he was slowly began to recognize that it was love he still felt for her, love he had buried deep inside himself in order to let her and the children go when Roman returned. "Oh, Doc... I wish there could be more.. I wish we could share love again, but I could never break up your family, I can't do that to you, or to Roman and the kids... I know that just wouldn't be right and we might end up hurting ourselves anyway. So... I gotta go, baby.. it's the only way. I know it'll upset you.. but you'll get past it and live a good life with him." He looked at the family portrait the Brady family had taken after he came back. Marlena had given him one of just the kids, but John remembered saying he wanted the family picture too, so he could see her with them whenever he felt bad about being apart from them.. He told her it would help him to see them safely wrapped in her loving arms, as they were in that photograph. Looking down at it to see four smiling faces (Carrie was still in Europe at the time it was taken) John said, "You do love him.. Doc.. I knew that from that first day on St. Cristobal; you were drawn to him almost immediately."
He put that picture down and took another out of his desk drawer. As much as it hurt him to hang onto it sometimes.. he kept it close by. "God... I wish... we could go back in time... to that year we were together when I thought I was him.. those were wonderful days, weren't they?" he asked her smiling image from the day they were wed so long ago. "We were so in love, so happy that day," he added sadly. As he fingered the photograph and remembered the joy and peace that flowed in his veins at the time, a few drops of salty moisture fell upon the glass that protected her image, obscuring her face. That's how it is for me these days... all blurry and confusing. "I don't know what to do, Doc... I wish you could help me, but you can't, not this time."
Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart.......
Marlena felt as if she were going to explode; she couldn't
go on like this much longer, loving two men. 'Well, at least I finally
admitted it completely.. I love them both... so now what do I do?' She
picked up two framed photographs, the first one from the mantel that contained
a picture which was taken shortly after the twins were born.. They were all so
happy then, one big happy family and she talked to herself in her mind, 'How
can I leave Roman... he's the man I met and fell in love with all those years
ago, not John.. I commited to stay with Roman, to share my life with him and
raise our children. How can I possibly forsake those vows?'
One upon a time there was a light in my life
Now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
It's a total eclipse of the heart.......
Then she replaced that one on the mantel and pulled the other one out of the desk drawer, looking around the room to make sure she wasn't seen. She stared wistfully at his handsome smiling face, asking herself in the privacy of her mind, 'But what about John...doesn't he deserve some consideration too?' It was a picture that was taken on the day of their wedding. They were all dressed in such fine clothes; he was so dashing in his tux and she recalled him saying that he was made speechless by her stunning beauty. That was one of the happiest most wondrous days of her entire life. How could she just dismiss her love for him as if it had never happened? Was that fair to him, was it fair to herself? But what can I do? We made our choices, didn't we? No one could know that Isabella would die, so soon. Tears filled her eyes as she thought of him all alone to raise his son, still with so few memories of his own life. "Oh... John... I wish I had two hearts to give.. you could have one... oh.. what I wouldn't give to be able to take away your pain and your loneliness."
Turn around bright eyes
Turn around bright eyes
Turn around
Every now and then I know
You'll never be the boy you always wanted to be........
He sat there in the dark of another long lonely night,
making his plans. It had to be done as swiftly as possible, no long tearful
goodbyes for him. John knew he simply couldn't handle that. Marlena was going
to make it hard for him to go; that much was a sure bet. Maybe he should leave
without telling her. Immediately he contradicted that thought, 'NO.. John,
you can't do that to her, not after everything we've meant to each other. She
deserves a proper goodbye.. but how in the HELL am I gonna say those words and
get on a plane while she stands there crying?'
John too found moisture forming again, as the reality of what he was intending to do began to sink in and he asked out loud, "How can I really leave her.. when I.. still.. Oh God.. help me... find a way!”Where would he find the strength for that unbearable undertaking? It was plain and simple. He wasn't Roman Brady, and if he stayed he would hurt her and the man who had first claim on her heart and all of the other people John had grown to love when he believed he was that man. No, this was the only way to protect them all from pain. It was his only option and he had to take it no matter how much it hurt him.
Turn around
But every now and then I know
You'll always be the only boy
who wanted me the way that I am......
Marlena knew John loved her completely and unconditionally, that was a fact. She chuckled as she imagined hearing his throaty voice utter that trusty phrase. How she missed just talking with him every day about simple things, waking up with him, lying down with him at night, and the way he loved her; it was an amazing phenomenon Roman was a wonderful lover, but John... Well, there weren't words to adequately describe the incredible, intense pleasure his lovemaking brought her. The love he gave her was like nothing else she had ever experienced. She heard a sound behind her and quickly shoved the picture frame back in the drawer, safe in its hiding place. If only it were as easy to hide her true feelings so that no one would see them.
"Hello honey... how was your evening?" her unassuming husband asked innocently, as he reached inside the closet to hang up his jacket.
She found herself responding by rote, pasting a smile on her face as she replied with some vague comment, "Oh.. you know.. same old same old.. just biding my time.. waiting for you sweetheart." The words rang so hollow as she uttered them and the kiss seemed empty because she was thinking about the other man so much. She did love Roman and she had chosen to recommit herself to him in marriage. If she could just find a way to put John out of her mind, she could reconnect with Roman again.
"Honey.. let's go up to bed.. I've missed you," she said honestly. She had missed him, he'd been very involved with his work lately and there were too many lonely nights spent thinking of her other love.
Roman smiled with the anticipation of intimacy, "Oooh.. and I've missed you... all these late stakeouts.. I've been aching to be with you too, Doc. I think it's going to slow down soon and we'll be able to spend more time together."
She smiled weakly and said half heartedly, "That's good to hear, Roman... I'd really like that."
Turn around
Every now and then I know there's no one in the universe
as magical and wondrous as you.....
John made a solemn vow;he would never love again. Marlena was his one and only. He knew that now beyond the shadow of a doubt. Marlena was the woman of his dreams, her beauty was timeless, her body was perfectly made, her eyes were like precious gems, her hair like spun gold, her sweet aroma like the nectar of the gods. She was everything a man could ever want and so much more. She was his angel, his savior, his mentor, his comforter, his friend, his temptress, his soulmate. To put it simply, she was everything. No one could ever compare; his heart didn't want to try, and his soul knew she was the only one, forever.
Turn around
Every now and then I know there's nothing any better
and there's just nothing I wouldn't do....
Turn around bright eyes
Every now and then I fall apart......
Roman was sleeping soundly after making love, snoring actually. It was cute. She laid there in silence for as long as she could stand, but eventually the guilt took control and she couldn't lie there next to him any longer. Marlena felt as though she were betraying him. After all, he had just made the most sweet, tender love to her and all she could think of was another man.
As she arose and went to the window, she launched into a self-directed diatribe, screaming at herself inside, ‘What's wrong with you, Marlena... For goodness sake.. you were just with your husband, the man you are in love with, the man who has loved you for over a decade... the father of your children.. and all you can do is think of John... How can you betray him like this? She began to weep as soon as she finished those self-critical remarks. It was a truly impossible situation, but hard as she tried to fight it, she found her thoughts turning to John once again. Marlena wondered if he too were still awake, if he were thinking of her, then to more intimate matters such as what he was wearing or not, and she remembered his rugged masculine scent from the last time he hugged her. Those were some of the most wonderful moments they shared, but they were so brief as to be painful, leaving them both wanting so much more than was safe for either of them to give or take. It was ecstasy and it was agony.
Every now and then I fall apart.......