YOU AND YOU ALONE

If we have to wait forever, that's alright

If you say let's run away we'll leave tonight.........

He said he was okay with it, that he could wait for her, that he understood it, but that wasn't entirely accurate. John was hurting and finding it very difficult to put those accepting words into practice. For some unknown reason, they were at yet another crossroads in their relationship, and it left him feeling utterly bewildered and more than a little frustrated. He hadn't seen it coming at all, and it felt like the rug was being pulled out from underneath him once more. The crisis with Sami had thrown the entire Brady clan into turmoil, everyone scrambling for answers to the question of what went wrong. The only one they could come up with was the same old one.

The Affair, which threw Marlena into a whole new round of guilt about her actions during those months. It was then, of course, that Sami's troubles all began. Marlena was therefore, unconsciously withdrawing from John, not in any obvious ways, but he knew her well enough to sense what was happening. She was conflicted between her love for him and her loyalty and responsibility to her "other" family. Though he had known it wasn't the right time, he'd started bringing up their plans to marry, partly to test out his theory, and she wouldn't talk about it, avoiding the subject at nearly all costs. John knew Marlena believed she was covering well, but the writing was on the wall as far as he was concerned; she was pulling away from him, her commitment faltering under the pressure of that damn guilt! He loved her beyond words and he'd told her he would do whatever she wanted, but the waiting was so difficult and he found himself desperately wishing they would have eloped, as they'd discussed a few times since Roman's return. Now, it was too late.

I'd do anything you ever asked me to

Girl, the reason my heart's beating is for you......

The affair.

God, how he was sick of those two words being used to describe what had been the most incredibly pleasurable experiences in all the life he remembered. It had never been so good, before or since, the forbidden nature of their encounters and the danger of being discovered adding to the physical pleasure it gave. He remembered feeling like she was the only other person that existed in the entire universe when they were together. His mind wouldn't clear, his heart and body ached when they were apart and he couldn't manufacture enough excuses to be near her, to listen to her voice, to touch her, and most of all to be alone with her, even for a moment.

And you alone...

The love they made during their brief liason was simply magical. The memories brought a smile to his face, immediately followed by the all too familiar emotion of regret for the pain it caused for Marlena and the family he still loved as if it were his all along. However, if he were being completely honest, he would have to admit that it just wasn't the same anymore.

He felt like an outsider now, the situation with Sami cementing the vague uneasy feelings he'd been having since Roman returned to Salem. It wasn't anything he could define and if he analyzed it, he couldn't identify anything specific they were doing to make him feel that way. It was just different.

There's a price to pay for every choice you make

We'll have our day no matter what it takes.......

The more he thought about it, the more upset it made him. They had already paid the price with years of nearly crippling guilt and he'd spent those same years trying to make himself believe he could get over her and make a life for himself with another woman. At first it was any woman, then it was Kristen. Talk about paying the price; he'd paid dearly for his ill-fated involvement with *that* one. She had made a complete fool out of him. Everyone he loved was so good about it, but he knew. He had carried on like some depraved idiot when he was with her, almost as though she had cast some spell over him that clouded his thinking and impaired his judgment. And Marlena; she had certainly paid dearly for loving him, almost losing her life several times over for what happened to her following the divorce from Roman. She suffered more than her fair share of pain, some of it because of one John Black, so there was guilt for that too! So much GUILT!! Sometimes he pondered the question of whether that weighty encumbrance would one day crush him into the dust.

I'll be there for you whatever we go through......

In spite of all that, he loved her and he wasn't going to give her up without a bitter fight. John also knew she loved him as much as she ever had and even more importantly, she needed him; there were no doubts about that. Since that was a given, John made a solemn vow that the situation with Sami was NOT going to tear them apart again, though he intuitively believed Roman would try to take full advantage of Marlena's hesitation, if there were the slightest opportunity to do so.

Girl, the reason life's worth living is for you

And you alone.........

Marlena was alone in the living room at the Penthouse, remembering their most recent conversation about what was happening with her daughter. "Honey... please.. you know that I love you..."

"But... this just isn't a good time, " he completed, his disappointment hard to hide. "I know... I'm sorry," he said with a weary sigh, just before taking her into the strength and comfort of his arms.

John hadn't said it directly, but he was feeling insecure and if she examined her actions, she would have to admit to having been distancing him since Sami's arrest for the murder of Franco Kelly. Somehow, her daughter's painful predicament had sparked the old guilt and Marlena was beginning to back off slightly from John, putting off all discussion of their plans to wed, as if her relationship with him was to blame for all the problems her family ever had to face. It wasn't true, but she couldn't always see that.

Oh, you and you alone are with me from now on........

Hard as she tried, she couldn't get him off her mind. Even as she listened to Mickey Horton talk about his strategy, her thoughts turned to John, wondering where he was, what he was doing, if he were thinking of her as well. She told him she needed some time to make sense out of what she was thinking and feeling and to help Sami... He had agreed to give her that time alone with her daughter, graciously moving to the Salem Inn for a few days. It was what Marlena said she wanted and yet her heart was aching without him, and it hadn't even been a full week.

Even if I never see your face again

The love that you have shown is unlike anything

I've ever known.......

He couldn't really concentrate on much of anything without her. Working was a total joke. He missed her tremendously and he needed her to help him make sense out of his feelings too, of the worry that he had something to do with what went wrong with Sami, other than the affair. He wondered if he had done something terribly wrong in the way he raised both Sami and Eric that might have left her vulnerable. Had he missed some traumatic event that happened to her as a young child, something else that scarred her?

We both know it's just a matter of when......

Marlena had a way about her, a way of helping him understand himself better than he could. 'I love you Doc... I hope you don't lose sight of our dreams... we used to see our future so clearly... Now everything is cloudy again...’ he said with a weary sigh. How he wished they would have married this summer and he didn't quite know why they hadn't. There was no real reason. When would it happen? Was there ever going to be another wedding ceremony for them, or was he living in some dream world again. When, Doc... when will it be the right time for us?

I wish that we could just turn back the hands of time

And find a way to have your world fit into mine.......

It was exhausting to keep putting it off, and Marlena wondered why they hadn't married in the Spring or Summer, when they were officially back together since fairly early in the Spring season. They could have been well married by now. So, why weren't they? Were there some unspoken doubts, some intuitive sense that they didn't ultimately belong together, even though they freely admitted that they had never stopped loving each other during all the long years apart. Was she not able to truly commit to him in marriage because of Roman? No.. they had conquered the problems of the past... so what was it? After a long hour or two of pondering the possibilities, Marlena gave it up, deciding that if there were some really important issue that needed to be addressed, it would come up again soon. Until then, she was determined to hang onto the dream of marrying the man she truly loved. That man was John Black, plain and simple.

I'll keep dreaming that someday it all comes true......

John found that daydreaming helped sometimes, imagining them laughing, happily married, the kids well adjusted to family life, a new house, custom built for them and their children. He was holding on to the dream as well. "We *are* going to be married.. I'm not giving up on you, Doc... I promise... We are meant to be together and it's going to happen...soon, I pray... I love you so much and I really miss you... I know it hasn't been that long, but it seems like we've been waiting forever.”

Girl, the reason my heart's breaking is for you

And you alone......

Sami was asleep at last; she still seemed so innocent when she slept, but that was far from true now. Had so much of it been the fault of her mother. Was the affair and its aftermath the single most defining moment in the young girl's life? Could she never find the strength to move past it and grow into a responsible adult? John was always telling her they couldn't take all the blame for Sami's problems, but Marlena had a more difficult time letting go of her *mother guilt.* What a powerful force that was.

Oh, you and you alone are with me from now on.......

Nevertheless, her love for John was an awesome phenomenon as well. She couldn't imagine ever really forsaking that love. Even all those years ago, when she'd tried with all her might, that love lived on inside her heart, inside them both. It was an unstoppable, undeniable force.

Even if I never see your face again

The love that you have shown

Is unlike anything I've known......

They were in separate places, different beds, but in their hearts they were still together. And one day soon, they would be back together in every way.

Just in the moment she needed to hear his voice, the phone rang and it was indeed her love. She told him all about Sami and the talks they were having, how horrible she felt for her daughter. He understood all that, and he cared too, but he was determined not to let the old feelings her daughter's horrendous situation stirred up keep them apart.

At one point, John took over the reigns of the conversation and spoke with great passion, "I understand that you're upset... that you're worried about Sami.. I am too... But I love you, Doc.. and I'm not going to let this thing tear us apart. I'm not giving up on us... never!" he said to convince her that they could weather even this latest storm.

She had been doing a lot of thinking and her reply was reassuring, " I love you, too John... very much.. I'm not going to let you go... I promise... we'll find our way through this... together." It was in some ways a foregone conclusion.

We both know it's just a matter of when......

"We belong together, Doc... we both know it... Our love is strong enough to handle anything that comes along... you know that, don't you?"

"Yes... I do know that, John... and that's why I want you to come home. Will you forgive me for being so... confused... so unsure... I'm really sorry...I don't know what happened, but I know I love you... "

"There's nothing to forgive... I understand completely... and to answer your first question... is five minutes too soon?" he said with a chuckle, thrilled at the prospect of being with her again.

"Come on over baby..... I'll be waiting.... and John... I want to show you how much I've missed you.. is that okay?"

There was the sound of a lusty laugh followed by the whispered words, "Oh.. yea.. that'd be.. SO much more than okay, Doc... I'm on my way right now.. the bags were still packed!" he finished excitedly. "I can't wait to...hold you in my arms.... to kiss you and make love with you... See you soon." Her soft sigh was the last sound broadcast on the phone. John was in the Jeep and heading toward the Penthouse in less than a minute.

You and you alone.........